Why are nearly half of married women having an extra-marital affair at some time during their marriage - usually during midlife? I've talked to dozens of women that never dreamed it would happen to them, yet to their own shock and amazement it happens nonetheless. Here are the reasons they've shared:
- Excitement and adventure. This is the number one reason cited. A woman has a driving desire to experience excitement and adventure at a time in her life when those elements have likely faded in her marriage. She often feels trapped in her role of wife, mother, and homemaker. The secret meetings, the fear of getting caught, and the intensity of a "new love" all fuel the excitement.
- Companionship. Married women often feel under-appreciated and not listened to by their husbands. A lover listens to her in a way that deep down she wishes her husband still did. Husbands are usually shocked to find out that their wife's lover is less physically attractive than they are and can't figure out why she chose this other person. What he doesn't realize is that she is responding to the emotional connection that she feels from someone that is giving her the attention she may have been lacking at home.
- Romance. Songs, movies, and books all give us the feeling that we're missing out on that "in love" feeling. For many, it's been a long time since they enjoyed tender embraces or long walks on the beach with their husband and an affair holds the promise of experiencing that fantasy. Even the strongest, most "together" woman still harbors a little girl inside that wants to be the center of someone else's world.
- Curiosity. For many women, it's a matter of "I wonder what it would be like to be with him?" Often this thought arises from a need to prove her desirability. For this woman, it's a game to see if she can entice this other man, but once she has her fling, she quickly becomes bored. Office "romances" are typically a result of this type of motivation and have disasterous results when you have to continue working together.
- Revenge. Her husband is too caught up in his work, or his hobbies, or just doesn't seem interested in her anymore. She feels alone and neglected, so she has an affair with the intention of him finding out. She wants to make him hurt to get his attention. This type of motivation will obviously backfire.
If you're currently involved in an affair, stop! Get out! Give your marriage the chance it deserves without the complications of a third party. You may be surprised to learn that only a small percentage of women that leave their husbands for their lover actually end up married to him. And those that do quickly discover that their new marriage takes on the same characteristics that made them vulnerable to an affair during their last marriage.
You're much better off to work on your current marriage -- often where you have years of history and children together -- than to throw it all away because of the "high" you're currently experiencing from this new love. Most husbands are more than willing to forgive their wives and will often use this experience as a "wake up call" to make their marriages a higher priority.
If your marriage is truly over, then move on with your life, but don't complicate the situation with a new relationship before you've ended the previous one. Your judgement will be clouded and you won't be making the best choices. Avoid making emotional decisions that you will later regret.
Many women who have stayed in their marriages, report that the relationship with their husband has improved. The successful marriages survive because they've learned how to inject the excitement and adventure of an affair into their own relationship. Even if your situation seems beyond hope, don't give up! I've witnessed many marriages not only survive an affair, but actually thrive after an affair.
Don't get me wrong! There will be emotional scarring on the part of both parties, but you can use this experience to make your marriage the romantic fantasy you always dreamed it would be (at least some of the time). It won't be an easy road, but it will be well worth it.
For more ideas on this subject, check out Chapter 6 in Bring It On!, "Renewing Your Marriage WOWS!"