Midlife is a time when you can finally acknowledge what you need to make yourself happy. The problem is that so much of a woman's value in our culture comes from her ability to anticipate and meet the needs of others.
When you becomes more vocal about your needs, it often creates conflict in your marriage relationship. This makes it difficult to express your needs without feeling guilty and selfish. But when you don't feel heard, or don't dare to voice your needs, you tend to shut down.
You may continue to function for a while, but you'll eventually become isolated and even withdrawn. When you hold back on intimacy, however, you hold back on life. That's why it's so important that both you and your husband have your needs met.
When I was writing my first book, Bring It On! Women Embracing Midlife, a woman shared with me the following story:
I stopped loving him for a long time. I told him that and said that I was leaving as soon as I was in a position financially. There were many days that all that kept me from walking out the door were my three boys.
During all this, my husband remained as in love with me as ever. He bent over backwards to keep our marriage together when all I wanted to do was leave. I think it was my unhappiness with life in general that made me want to leave. I was blaming him for my own unhappiness.
Midlife can be taxing on a marriage. Mine survived only because of my husband. I had wanted to throw it all away. I was so unhappy; I just wanted to leave everything behind.
Finding out who I am helped me enormously and consequently my marriage. I think that's a big roadblock for many couples. So many go into marriage thinking the other person will make them happy and when they don't, they blame their spouse instead of taking responsibility for their own happiness.
As our love has grown and matured for each other, as we have learned to accept each other and not try to change each other, as we have allowed each other a bit of personal space, the chemistry has also deepened. Where once it was like a bonfire, it now glows smooth and steady like the coals.
Our relationship is better in every respect today than it was in the beginning. No, I don't look at him and the fireworks go off, but (smile) it doesn't take much more than that! -Laurie
Laurie learned what many women don't realize until it's too late: If you leave your marriage in pursuit of happiness, you're going to wake up some day and discover that the emptiness and discontentment have followed you into your new life and your new circumstances.
At midlife, you can no longer afford to pretend that anyone other than yourself is going to bring you the fulfillment you long for. You can no longer rely on anyone, not even a devoted partner, for what you most deeply want and need. It's time to assume responsibility for your own life - your individual growth and personal happiness.
Women at midlife are no longer looking for a man to give their lives meaning or to define them. Midlife women want a partner with whom they can be vulnerable and share their fears and insecurities. They desire a companion, friend and playmate - someone to share interests and activities with. Midlife women want someone who will share and support their dreams.
How often have you heard women say, "My marriage would be great if only my husband would change?" It's not uncommon for couples that have been married for many years to feel that their connection has grown stagnant. The challenge is how to make significant changes in your marriage without sacrificing the best of what you have.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Determine to change yourself first. Don't rely on your husband to meet all of your needs. A mate enlarges and enriches your life and contributes to your happiness, but if you rely too heavily on a partner for fulfillment, you'll cripple the relationship. Authentic, mature love is based on appreciation, affection, and mutual respect. When you do those things, your relationship with your husband becomes less dependent and more inter- dependent.
- Choose to forgive your husband when he has disappointed you. And be willing to confess when you've been wrong. The key to a sincere apology is to say, "I'm sorry" without adding, "but." Asking what you can do to repair the damage demonstrates your desire to take responsibility for your own mistakes and work together to create a loving, supportive relationship.
- Stop making those nasty remarks! It's so easy to be critical, but it's also detrimental. Let go of the little irritations that naturally come with living with another person. Instead, appreciate your husband's attempts to change annoying habits and make a conscious effort to focus on his positive character traits. Look for occasions to praise him and express gratitude for all he does - positive reinforcement can go a long way!
- Keep the lines of communication open. Do you have quiet time just for the two of you? Once a week, perhaps on Sunday evening, sit down with each other and discuss any current issues: decisions that need to be made, creative solutions for problems that you may be facing, ways to make one another feel more loved and appreciated, and areas in which you or your spouse may require additional support.
- Rediscover the joy of being together. Are you able to set aside time to go out once a week and just have fun? Fun plays a huge part in what makes people fall in love in the first place. Couples who nurture the fun part of their marriage create an emotional climate that's wonderful to be in. Dating your spouse is not an option; it's a necessity.
- Rekindle your sexual relationship. Do you talk candidly about your sexual needs? Sex is a wonderful way to communicate emotionally and spiritually with your husband, but you can only communicate when you make yourself available. If your hectic schedule leaves you feeling exhausted at the end of the day, you need to make your relationship a priority and give it the attention it deserves. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut and forget how great sex can be!
- Grow together by dreaming together. Get together as a couple and determine where you want to live. What kind of a house do you want? What kind of hobbies or interests do you want to pursue? Is there a business you'd like to start together? Talk about what you'll do when your children leave home or when you've saved enough for your dream vacation. This long- term vision is crucial to a committed relationship because it says, "I'll be here for you and you'll be here for me."
The success of your marriage is a choice, not some random act of chance or circumstances. Many couples get their priorities out of order without even realizing it. Unfortunately, when these feelings come on, there's a tendency to think that means the end of a marriage. Your marriage isn't over; it's just fallen asleep and you need to wake it up!
Commit today to making the rest of your marriage the best yet.