With August quickly approaching and kids getting ready to go off to college, many of you are going to be experiencing the "empty nest" for the first time. Are you prepared? We take steps to prepare for other major events in our life - marriage, a new job, a move, a new baby - why should the empty nest be any different?
When children leave home, be prepared to experience a sense of loss. It's one less place to set at the table, one less person coming and going, one less set of sheets to wash, one less person to get a hug from on a daily basis. If this is your last child to leave home, it means putting your daily parenting role on the back burner. There will still be an occassional crisis to handle - many times a need for money - but there will also be broken relationships, disappointments with grades, or frustration over a part-time job. On a daily basis, however, your parenting responsibilities are probably no longer needed. And you probably wouldn't want it any other way!
The problem lies in that our identity is so wrapped up in our role as a mother - especially those who have devoted their child-raising years to full-time motherhood - we may have to figure out who we are separate from our children. I know I experienced this to some degree when my children entered school after 10+ years of homeschooling. I had identified myself for years as a homeschooling mother and then, suddenly, it felt like I wasn't needed anymore. Obviously, that was far from the case, but they just needed me in a different way. I realized that now I had time free to pursue other interests and other passions.
This is a time to focus on the possibilities. If you're married, it's a time to reevaluate how you want to spend your time and energy as a couple.If your marriage has been neglected, it's time to give it the attention it deserves. Too many couples, thinking their marriage is over, call it quits without really fanning the flame that brought them together in the first time. Many marriages are just asleep and need to be shaken awake by injecting some fun back into the relationship. Remember the spontaneous things you did as newlyweds? Why not surprise your mate with an unexpected outing...an outdoor concert, an afternoon of canoeing, or going out dancing? Some couples have enjoyed taking a cooking class together and experimenting at home. Others have picked up golf, or gardening/landscaping, or antiquing...whatever would bring the two of you together.
More importantly, whether you're married or single, it's time to reconnect with yourself. This can be the start of a whole new chapter of personal growth, adventure, and happiness for you. Is it time to consider a new career, one that's more reflective of you and your personal giftedness and interests? You may be very good at your current job, but is it what you want to be doing for the next 20 years? If you've been a stay-at-home mom, are there secret dreams and passions that now you have time to explore?
Maybe there's a class at the local community college that you would find interesting or you could explore taking music lessons or take an art class or computer class with your local community education program. Do you want to learn to scuba dive or go sailing? Maybe you want to transform your child's former bedroom into a private office or studio for your new business or hobby. Many women are discovering the joy of traveling with other women - with special tours just for them!
Keep in mind that if you're a parent, your children will eventually "leave the nest." For many, this becomes a pivotal point in their adult years. The more prepared you are for it, the smoother the transition will be. Sure you're going to miss your kids, so it's important to allow yourself some grieving time. But don't get stuck in your own pity party. Take action now to prepare for the "empty-nest" and embrace it when it comes. You have a rich, full life waiting for you!
Action Steps:
- Prepare now by developing interests outside of your role as a mother. Enroll in a class, take up a hobby, start a new career...whatever you've been dreaming of, now is the time to take the first baby-steps towards it's realization.
- If you're married, devote more time to your marriage relationship. Go on dates, plan fun outings, get to know each other at a deeper level; don't assume you know everything about this person you've been married to for over two decades. Inject some fun and spontaneity back into your marriage.
- Plan some special times with your child who will be leaving home soon. Take them out to dinner or go on a bike ride together. Build your relationship with him/her and set the stage for open communication as they're on their own. Allow this natural change in your roles to take place as you become two adults rather than your child being dependent on you.
Don't hide your head in the sand. Be aware of and anticipate the changes that are coming as you prepare to be an "empty-nester." Remember, "empty-nest" doesn't mean an empty life. This is just the beginning of a whole new chapter!
Enjoy the journey!
Ask the Coach
Q. What do I do if my husband is an alcoholic and has cheated on me? He constantly calls me names and tells me I'm a nag. I admit that I am guilty of nagging at the kids to study and do their chores, but my husband works away from home 4-5 nights per week and has had several girlfriends. If I complain when he flirts with waitresses right in front of me, he tells me to "lighten up." He blames everything on my mid-life crisis. Maybe it is my fault, but I am tired of being the scapegoat. (Name withheld)
Christine: Sister, I can hear the pain in your voice as you write to me. It's very understandable that you are bitter and resentful about the way your husband has treated you, but do not allow yourself to be the victim. Victims are powerless and you don't want to be powerless. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you. Honor and respect yourself by establishing some boundaries.
I speak out very strongly about couples fighting for their marriages, but you can't work on your marriage if your husband is actively sharing his life with another woman. Tell him that you love him and ask forgiveness for the specific things that you personally have done to cause the breakdown of your marriage. Also let him know that you are going to start treating yourself with respect and that you no longer will allow him to treat you with anything less than love and respect. If he's unwilling to shut the door on these other relationships, then you need to love yourself enough to ask him to leave.
Continue to be loving and gentle...even suggest a fun activity for the two of you to do together and hopefully the original spark between you will reignite over time. Often men (and women) look elsewhere because they feel stress and pressure from their spouses, but an affair provides them an opportunity to have fun and temporarily escape the responsibilities, routine, boredom (and nagging!) in their marriages. You are not to blame for his infidelity, but you are responsible for how you respond to him and how you treat yourself from this moment on.
It is not your destiny to live an unhappy, dissatisfying, unfulfilling existence. You were created for a purpose! I encourage you to read Bring It On! and start making some positive changes in your life. Each chapter is filled with ideas for simple steps that you can take to construct the life you deserve!