One of my all-time favorite romantic movies is "Sabrina" - the 1995 remake starring Harrison Ford, Julia Ormond and Greg Kinnear. You might ask, "What does a movie about coming of age have to do with midlife?" and the answer is:
Everything!
As women in midlife, we are on our own personal quest to "find ourselves" - to start redefining who we are and what we're going to contribute to this world through our own personal gifts and talents. What is our calling in life? What's our legacy?
And not unlike Sabrina, many of us MLCers get caught up in all-consuming crushes on someone that we see as our knight-in-shining-armor. Our every waking thought is about him. We plan our days around catching a glimpse of him and (gasp!) getting an opportunity to talk with him. We attempt to come up with something funny and witty to say so he'll realize what a charming person we are and feel compelled to get to know us.
Everyone around us (that is awake enough to realize what's going on) tries to warn us against the futility of our misplaced affections, but to no avail. We're convinced that someday he'll recognize how perfect we are for him. Our knight will finally come galloping up on his gallant steed and rescue us from our dreary life that has become way too confining, too predictable, and too familiar. We want to escape - to ride off into the sunset and find that elusive life that we just know we're missing out on!
Well, ladies, it's time to find your own horse! Your marriage is not your problem and another man is not the solution. You will never find what you're looking for on the back of someone else's horse.
It's not until Sabrina is alone with herself in Paris that she truly finds her "calling." In her case, her camera becomes the key that unlocks the path to her soul. She starts seeing herself and the world around her through her photography. She discovers that she possesses a natural gift to see what others miss. She captures it in her lens, but only after it's penetrated her heart.
She also discovers a mentor - a woman that has walked in her shoes and is willing to share her personal experiences to shed light on Sabrina's path. She listens. She makes it her own. It's the painful, lonely period of self-discovery that requires you letting go of everything else to find. It's what you finally uncover when you get to the end of yourself and all of your preconceived ideas and notions about what will make you happy.
Only when Sabrina has faced the truth about herself is she able to love a man - with a mature love that only comes from knowing yourself first. You don't need to run off to Paris to face your fears and come to grips with your life; you can do that right where you are right now. But it does require making some adjustments: Setting aside some activities and commitments for a time while you spend some time with yourself.
Yes, you need to find ways to "get out of the house," but you're more likely to be inspired at a biological garden or an art museum than at the local tavern. You will learn more about yourself working alongside other volunteers building a Habitat house or serving at a soup kitchen than you will spending money you don't have at the mall or spending endless hours at the gym. Don't get me wrong! I'm all for updating your wardrobe and getting in shape, but don't use it as an escape. Horses come in many different sizes and colors.
Midlife transition is in so many ways like adolescence; our bodies are changing, our hormones are out-of- whack, we're wondering who we are and what we want to be when we grow up, and we desire to be in full control of our lives. At midlife, we are "coming of age" all over again!
Going through this midlife coming of age is one of the toughest, most emotionally gut-wrenching times of our lives, but if we try to ignore it, run away from it, or find short-term solutions, we'll miss out on discovering who we really are and why we're here on this earth. Skip the shortcuts and enjoy the journey! Don't short change yourself. If you embrace midlife, the second half of your life will be richer, more fulfilling and rewarding because of it.
Don't deprive the world or yourself of your personal legacy! You'll be grateful that you did and so will the many lives that you touch along the way.