"I just don't sleep," says Carol, a 53-year-old public relations consultant. "My 84-year-old mother moved in three years ago after a bad fall and my daughter, who is going through a divorce, moved in last month with her 3-year-old twin boys and a 10-month-old baby girl. I love having my grandchildren around, but with taking care of Mom and trying to run my business, I no longer have any time for myself!"
Carol's situation isn't as uncommon as you may think. Nearly one in four US house-holds are now providing care to a relative or friend 50 or older. With the costs of long term care rising and the number of Americans over age 65 almost doubling in the next 25 years, it's expected that 53 million US households will be caring for one or both parents (or spouses) in their home as well as children.
The "Sandwich Generation" is more than just a cultural phrase. It's quickly becoming a reality for a growing number of women who, like Carol, are seeing the tides of responsibiity turning and the care of their parents falling on their shoulders. Even if you aren't directly involved in their care in your home, you may still be regularly involved in your parents' daily needs - trips to the doctor, grocery shopping, cleaning, paying bills, and handling correspondence.
"Sure, I have two brothers that could be sharing in the responsibility for Mom," says Carol, "but their wives don't want the daily burden of her care. Honestly, though, I wouldn't want her anyplace other than with me. Besides, she' gets a kick out of playing with her great-grandchildren. She reads them stories and even watches Dora with them!"
Women who devote themselves to caring for others, however, tend to neglect their own well-being. It's important for women in shoes similar to Carol's to break down any barriers of isolation. You might wonder how anyone could feel isolated living in a household with four generations, but if you don't have anyone with whom to share the challenges and frustrations, you risk growing extremely lonesome and even bitter.
Don't spread yourself so dangerously thin that you lose the joy of caring for someone you love. Reach out. Find the support you need. Perhaps there are others in your church or community who are facing similar struggles and would be willing to meet with you for coffee. Don't bear your burdens alone.
Here are three websites where you can go for help:
Remember also to ask for practical help from siblings, adult children, spouses, your church, or volunteer groups. If your budget allows, hire someone to come in a couple afternoons a week so you can get out for some "me" time. We all need it. Don't be a martyr.
Take a break to go for a walk, curl up with a novel, write in a journal, work in your garden, meet a friend for a round of golf, or go out to dinner. If you don't renew yourself, you'll risk your own health and state-of-mind and won't be available to help the ones you love.
Finally, allow yourself to laugh. Rent a funny movie. Read the comics. Go see a comedy show. Try to find the humor in your daily life. The physical act of laughing will go a long way to relieving your stress and brightening your outlook.
My hat goes off to those of you who are "sandwiched" in right now. It's an important job you've taken on - whether voluntarily or not. Give yourself credit for all you do. Even take a little time to wallow in self-pity. Call a friend and commiserate if you think it will help. But don't stay in that frame of mind for long.
Read something positive. Write an affirmation about the good things that are coming of this situation. Like Carol, recognize how you and your family are being blessed by this season of your life. If not now, someday you will see how special and healing this time in your relationship has truly been.
Enjoy the journey!
Ask the Coach
Q. I'm feeling so depressed watching all of the news coverage from Hurricane Katrina and the flooding in New Orleans. People are homeless, grieving loved ones, not knowing when, if ever, they can return home to rebuild their lives. I just feel so...helpless. I sent what little money I could to one of the relief organizations, but it doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. (Toni R.)
Christine: Toni, I too have struggled to make sense of the current issues facing the victims of Hurricane Katrina. It's easy to get sucked into the highly sensationalized accounts of the pain and suffering of the victims and feel totally helpless to do anything about it.
Don't get me wrong! I've personally been on hurricane relief trips and their pain and suffering is very real. But these dramatic accounts you see on television are intended to suck you in so that you literally can't stop watching the events unfold. One woman confided to me that she was addicted to CNN. How is sitting on our sofas watching the news in our warm and comfy living rooms going to do anything other than feed into our own helplessness and despair?
Take action. It's great that you were able to send some money. Continue to send a predetermined amount out of each paycheck. These problems aren't going to be fixed overnight! The relief organzations are going to continue to need our support for weeks, months, and probably even years to come!
Gift cards to national chains are another way to send aid to these people that are going to be trying to rebuild their lives. You may think that any assistance from you would be merely a drop in a bucket, but it makes a difference to the person who receives it. They care! They appreciate that you didn't allow apathy to keep you from getting off your sofa to take action.
If you want to be helping on the frontlines, contact relief organizations to find out how you can help. Be prepared, however, to be "roughing it" for the duration of your stay. People are living in temporary housing with limited food and water. Don't expect more for yourself. I've slept on a gymnasium floor with no hot shower after working a 10+ hour day doing manual labor. By the end of the week, you can look and smell pretty awful! But nobody cares - they're so thankful and appreciative that you're willing to give up some of your time to help them.
One of my favorite organizations is Habitat for Humanity. They were planning a rebuilding effort just days into the tragedy. Although not a relief organziation that provides first response aid, Habitat volunteers are already preparing to help rebuild homes - and peoples' lives! Consider them in deciding where you want to give your financial assistance. A $10 donation will buy a box of nails, $35 will buy roof shingles, $100 will buy a kitchen sink, and $500 will put siding on a house! Visit their website at www.habitat.org to find out how to donate your time and money to this very worthy organization.
The secret to fighting depression is to get up and do something. And when you've done what you can, honor these victims by appreciating and being grateful for all that you have in your own life. Consider putting off buying that new sofa so you can afford to send a little more aid. Be thankful for your family and friends that are safe. Cherish your time with them and let this tragedy remind you that our time on this earth is short. Our circumstances can change in an instant. Re-evaluate your priorities and make changes where needed. This is your wake-up call. Don't ignore it!