At midlife, your friendships with other women will make the difference between living a vibrant, fulfilling life and being miserably alone. Every woman longs for someone who will listen and offer a safe environment where she can laugh, cry, and express her feelings. It's important to take the time now to cultivate meaningful relationships with women that cheer you on while you explore different options, catch you when you fall, and encouarge and support you as you endeavor to redefine yourself.
The biggest key to finding friends like this is to be one yourself!
Listen to other women when they're sharing about themselves. Be attentive. Show interest. Keep the conversation focused on them and not on you. One woman I know has a story for every situation that someone else brings up. I'm sure you're familiar with the type! They probably mean well, but it almost seems like they're trying to top your situation with one that is more tragic, or more eyebrow raising than your own.
It's okay to share a similar situation, but make sure you're giving the other woman plenty of time to speak and share what's on her heart before you barge in with a situation of your own. It's much better to ask questions like, "How did that make you feel?" or "Are you feeling betrayed?" or "You're probably very angry. Have you been able to tell her how that made you feel?" Questions like these allow the other person to realize that you really are hearing what they're saying.
Be willing to make yourself vulnerable by sharing your inner feelings with a small, intimate group of women. You have found a treasure if you have just two or three other women with whom you can take off your mask and risk being totally honest and transparent. Deep, meaningful friendships like these will give you a fresh perspective on your struggles and the assurance that you don't need to go through life alone. It's wonderful to have these kind of friends to share the joys of life with as well.
Work at establishing long-lasting friendships. Build memories together. Do a girls' weekend away. Stay at a bed and breakfast. Take a rafting trip. Plan a fun outing. If it's playing near you, get tickets to see Menopause: The Musical. It's hilarious! You will be talking about it for weeks afterwards. Join a golf league. Visit a day spa together. Join a women's fitness center together. Have an all-night card party or scrapbooking workshop. Rent fun movies. Play songs from the 60's and 70's and dance to them!
Consider starting a Path Partners support group. We have several that are starting in different parts of the country, but we need more women to step forward and volunteer as leaders. The groups that have already been meeting are enjoying having other women to encourage them as they step out of their comfort zone and try new things. The group helps them to see options and alternatives that they wouldn't have otherwise considered.
In a Path Partners support group, the women hold each other accountable to their goals. The women are free to ask each other compelling, thought-provoking questions that guides them in discovering their own solutions to perceived obstacles in their path. Talk to a few of your friends to find out if they'd be interested in meeting together and using the Path Partners material to guide group discussions. You may challenge each other to reach new heights and explore new paths you'd previously considered impossible!
Do your friends know that you're thinking about them? Meeting face-to-face is the best way to reinforce relationships, but you can also pick up the phone, send an email, or even better - send a note letting her know that you're thinking about her. Finally, pray for your friends. There's nothing more powerful than prayer for changing lives! If there's someone that is on your mind a lot and whose situation weighs heavy on your heart, don't underestimate the effectiveness of asking God to touch her life.
As Thanksgiving is approaching, take time to be grateful for the women who have impacted your life. If they're still living, this might be a good opportunity for you to let them know how much their friendship means to you. Don't let the busyness of the upcoming holidays keep you from focusing on the relationships that make life truly worthwhile. Reconnect with old friends and nurture the new friendships that are just beginning to blossom. Your life will be richer because of them.
Enjoy the journey!
Ask the Coach
Q. I used to eat chocolate when I got my periods. Now I eat it all the time. How do I handle midlife cravings? (Sharon W.)
Christine: Sharon, with Halloween candy still in the house or at the office, this is a huge tempation for many of us! The occassional indulgence is normal and won't have a lasting effect on your scale. Constant cravings, however, are often a substitute for deeper, unmet emotional needs.
When we're under a lot of stress, we often turn to food to give us temporary comfort. Maybe you would benefit from a creative outlet - some time to work in your yard, doing some needlepoint, completing a page in your scrapbook, or putting on some peaceful music and practicing yoga.
Make a list of 10-, 20-, and 30-minute activities that you can turn to instead of food. Maybe it's reading from a collection of inspirational stories, taking a brisk walk around the block, changing your nail polish, giving yourself a neck and shoulder masssage with an electric massager, or cleaning out a junk drawer. If you're at the office, try walking around for a few minutes or bringing some baby carrots with you to munch on instead. (I dare you to overeat baby carrots!) Usually, taking a mental break from what we're doing and engaging in some kind of brief physical activity will be just enough to recharge us without the sugar high we get from chocolate or other sweets.
Discover what times of day or what other external events trigger your cravings. Is it sitting in front of your computer or watching television? Is it late-night cravings just before bed? I identified 4pm as my prime time to be tempted to binge, so I rescheduled my daily workout for that time. My kids get home from school at 3pm, so I visit with them and find out about their day and then I head out to a local bike trail. When the weather is bad, I use a treadmill or one of my workout DVDs.
I used to always pay for gas inside so that I had an excuse to tack on a candy bar before I signed the credit slip. Now I pay at the pump so I can avoid that temptation. I also discovered that I often had a snack when I was working on my computer, so now instead of bringing chips and cheese to my desk, I grab a water bottle and my need for mindlessly putting something up to my mouth is satisfied in a much healthier habit. What about you? What habits can you change to create a healthier lifestyle?
Another excellent idea that is at the core of the Weight Watchers plan is to have allowance points that you give yourself for "splurging" each week. You can use a few a day or save them for the weekend and spend them all at once! One woman I know allows herself one "free day" a week where she can eat anything she wants. If there's a dessert she wants, she saves it for that day. If she's craving a Hershey's with Almonds, you guessed it - she saves it for her free day!
If you love carmel fudge ice cream, let yourself indulge once in a while. The point is not to deprive yourself, or you're setting yourself up for certain failure. You just can't give into every little tempation to raid the cookie jar!
Finally, buddy up with another friend who is facing a similar struggle. Agree to call each other if you're having trouble resisting the tempation to eat half the pan of brownies. And check up on each other regularly to see how you're doing. Share your victories (you made it through a party without grazing at the buffet table) and support each other when you slip - as we all do!
Decide what it is that you want more than that Reese's. Is it to be able to fit into your favorite pair of jeans? Or your holiday dress? Keep a mental picture of that in your mind and refer to it often when faced with a craving. Make a commitment to yourself and you can succeed!