Over fifty percent of women in midlife end up single again - either through death or divorce. In fact, the majority of women attending the Path Partners Summer Workshop were single. No matter what situation has caused you to be living a single life, be grateful for this opportunity to make conscious choices about your future. Instead of allowing yourself to slip into self-defeating behaviors, take charge of what you can control about your life and don't worry about the rest.
If it wasn't your decision to be single (your husband died or decided to leave), go ahead and allow yourself to grieve. Confide in a trusted friend with whom you can share your fears of being alone. Work out the anger and bitterness, but don't live in the past. If you try to hang onto what was, you'll miss out on the miracles that are happening in your life now.
Eating lunch with my friend Rachel yesterday, I was reminded of what rich and fulfilling lives many of my single friends experience. Just as with marriage, singleness comes with its share of challenges too. But you also have the freedom to explore and grow. Embrace it! Here are a few tips I've picked up from my single friends along the way.
Action Steps:
- List all of the advantages of being single. For instance, you have the freedom to decorate your home to fit your personality and you can pick up and take off for an impromptu weekend trip with a friend. Make as long a list as you possibly can!
- Plan an overnight trip within a couple of hours of home, yet far enough away that you have to find your way around an unfamiliar place. Several women have shared with me how scary it was to stay in a hotel room alone for the first time. Eat out. Take time to explore. Face your fears now so that you are prepared for new situations. If you want to really challenge yourself, sign up for an all woman adventure travel vacation. For more information, check out www.adventuresingoodcompany.com.
- List at least five accomplishments - no matter how insignificant they may seem - that you've been able to do on your own. Maybe it was figuring out how to run the lawn mower or change the oil in your car. How about going to a matinee by yourself? Or maybe you threw a dinner party. Whatever it is, pat yourself on the back and keep track of all the big and small ways that you've stepped out of your comfort zone and done something new.
- Reach out to other people - both single and married. Invite a few people to dinner. Join a club where you share the same interests and see the same people on a regular basis. Make a variety of different friends. For instance, make friends with people that like to be active and go bike riding as well as those that are particularly good listeners. You might want to include people that enjoy the theatre and those that would prefer a quiet evening playing cards. Surround yourself with friends - both men and women - that bring out the best in you!
- Make a list of all the things that you'd like to see and do. Next time you're feeling lonely, make a date with yourself to try one of these activities.
- Schedule yourself for a massage. This non-sexual form of touch is not only healthy for you, but it feels great too!
- Don't wear "any old thing" to bed. Go out and buy yourself a luxurious negligee. In fact, purchase some high thread-count sheets and a down comforter to sink into at night as well. Light some candles and play relaxing music. It doesn't matter if no one else is around to share it with you. You deserve to pamper yourself!
- Emerse yourself in a creative pursuit. Continue to learn and try new things. Get your pilot's license. Learn to play the guitar. Study a foreign language. Take up rock climbing, or kayaking, or gardening. Buy a camera and set up your own darkroom. Pick up some oil paints or learn how to quilt. Volunteer for a Habitat for Humanity project and learn some new skills while giving back to the community. One gal started rollerblading after her divorce and not only found an activity that worked off some stress, but some extra pounds as well.
When you are visualizing your future, see yourself leading an exciting life with rich, rewarding relationships. Don't wait for happines to come to you. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you're living a temporary life until you get married again, but you must resist the temptation to put your life on hold. Go out and create a life that brings you deep joy and contentment. Whether married or single, your happiness does not depend on another person. Other people enrich our lives, but our happiness is up to us. How you view your life will make all the difference in the world.
Enjoy the journey!
Ask the Coach
Q. I'm suddenly bored with the sales job I've had for the past fourteen years. I've always enjoyed my work, but lately I'm starting to dread going into the office. Even after landing a big account recently, I still feel dissatisfied with my work. I'm wondering if it's time for a career change? (Kris T.)
Christine: Kris, there are certainly ways to make your work more interesting and challenging, but if you're as unhappy as you sound then perhaps it's time to take a look at some other possibilities.
A question to ask yourself might be, "If money were not an issue, how would I spend my day?" For instance, do you see yourself in the creative and fast-paced environment of an advertising agency or do you picture yourself managing a white-water rafting outfitter? Do you prefer to be around people or to work alone? Is there someone you know that is living the life that you'd like to live? What about it appeals to you? Why?
You'll also want to list your strengths and your accomplishments. Don't be shy! Ask trusted friends for their insight. Where do others see you as being particularly capable? Get their opinion on how you might use these attributes in another line of work.
You aren't trying to narrow the field quite yet however. This exercise is simply to help you come up with a list of options to explore. Take the time then to talk to people in these various fields and find out more about what exactly they do. Maybe you can job shadow them for a day. There are even places that for a fee will allow you to try out your dream career for a few days. Check out www.vocationvacations.com for more information.
After you've narrowed the field, identify what training (if any) that you'll need. A corporate tax attorney decided to become a children's photographer. Obviously, she needed to learn the photography business. Where will you get your training? How long will it take to complete? Can you work in your new field while you're receiving training? Is there some crossover with your current skills so that you could be earning money now?
Take time to explore your personal interests, past achievements, and natural leanings. Don't be in a rush to quit your current job tomorrow. Merely going through the process of identifying potential careers will reignite your enthusiasm and give you a new focus. But don't lose sight of your mission: The goal is to find something that you love so much that you can't wait to get out of bed in the morning!