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For me it has almost been 5 years since I got the speech. And atleast 3 since I got served papers. Maybe 4, I am losing count.

But, I get up every day, and I take care of my kids. I have a great relationship with them. Am I enabling my MLC wife ? Sure, perhaps you can say that, but my circumstances are quite unique at this point. The path has all sorts of twists and turns that I dont' feel I can go into.

For some of us, we suspected an OM from the get go. For others, the evidence just wasn't there. I was in the later group. Swede kept telling me that there must be an OM. And he was correct. Infact, I am guessing now that there could have been even two.

This whole thing hits you hard, and its hard to grapple with. It doesn't mean someone is any less of a person. It just means that they took a different path when dealing with it.

My kids know, that I am there for them. I recently got my youngest son his first phone. And when it was time to enter his In case of Emergency contacts, it was a no-brainer. Dad was #1. Mom wasn't even on the list. His choice, not mine. I didn't even coach him.

Having the wisdom of hindsight, my message to all the spuses of MLC'ers is to simply gather your wits about you and find the shortest path to the door.


I used to think I would never move out - my current belief is that I won't leave without my kids.


The  system isn't fair. It is still stacked in facor of the women, and they know it. But the sooner we stop thinking about what is right and what is wrong. What should be... the better off we all will be.

The bottom line is they want out. it takes two to have a relationship.  I no longer buy into the "Divorce busting" adage that one person can change a marriage - espeically a marriage in crisis.

Its just time to move on...

Whoosh

P.S. Yes Ambushed, I sent you a private message as well.

tried my best,
take care of yourself, don't worry about her. This is classic enabling the mlc. You must change how you think if you are to survive

justvisiting,
to me a loveless marriage is one that the people are in only because of the children. it can be disected in a million ways, but i think to stay together for children is wrong. the children will suffer too much. just my opinion.
you are very lucky to have a support group like the one you have with those women.  i only wish me ex would have gotten some help from people other then what most of us on here call toxic.
i for one value your opinions on here. nice to see you sticking around and putting up with a lot of negative talk.

gary,
opinions. aren't they wonderful? and thats all this is about on here. our opinions. i never made it an order for anyone to do what i said. chances are none of us will ever meet in person. what that means is we can only judge each other by our words on here. you know absolutly nothing about me or my values, or my morals, or me as a person. so i write on here and let people know how i feel about certain subjects. i said i would not under any circumstances live in loveless marriage with my children. i would worry more about how this effects them later in life then how it effects them now. and if doing what i think is right is being stubborn and foolish, then put me in that category. because i will always do what i feel is the right thing no matter what the situation. what positives are there in staying in a marriage where your spouse says she does not love you, she wants a divorce, she is having sexual relations with God knows how many other men, etc. if giving my opinion makes you feel like i am talking down to you, then find out why you feel that way.
i will never think less of a person just because they do not do what i would do in the same situation.

pghobbsx
Our actions define us, not our words.

Same here.
This MLC really broke me down and when I built myself back up a lot of things are different for me. When the alien moved out I was pretty much on my own w/ the kids. Surviving, I cared about very little: Kids/Job/food in the fridge.

I'd honestly like to down size the house, maybe when the market rebounds, but for now me and the kids are fine right here.
I used to be jealous of this person or that person for what they had. Used to take a normal vaca, but wished i could go somewhere better. Recently spending a few days camping and poolside w/ my kids - after all this - was something they talk about often (dad, remember when we were camping and...)
My house is VERY bare right now. Slowly though, its becoming more and more 'me'. and 'stuff' just gets in the way - I've tossed lots and lots of 'stuff' out.

this shitstorm/mlc has REALLY taught me alot about myself, what's important, whats not, what I need and what I dont need. What I worry about and what I dont worry about..Sometimes, I am glad I went through this.

Angel you did it again! I just realised ..... 18 bloody months on ..... there is a drawer in my bedroom that is full of stuff that ill never use. face cream, hair remover, nail varnish, foot scrub, face STUFF, moisturise this and that .... Tampons??? why is it still there?? i'll never need it> But if i empty those drawers of that stuff , then the bloody drawers just become stuff as well ... coz now they are empty. All bloody night ive been walking round the house thinking why the hell have i got candles and pillows lying around still? picture frames with no pictures in?

I have got so much clutter in my house that she bought and it serves no bloody purpose whatsoever, why the hell is it still here? ..... and why have i got 7 tvs in the house when there are only four people living here??

I really enjoy camping, I love my tent and so do the boys ... we take what we need  and what we forget we get on the hop, or catch a rabbit. Tent, water, BBQ food, bedding and a few quid for supplies ... alll adds up to a great weekend under the stars. Oh yeh and the beers and a fine bottle of red???

Its definately time for a clearout and maybe get rid of what was the family home and find a new place to start again? Sure as hell dont need a 5 bed luxury home any more? Nor 7 bloody tv's!!!

Gotta wait till the settlement is done though and that is just a few weeks away from being a done deal - if it goes through .... result of the century?!

But then theres the STUFF ...  and that has really got me thinking> BIG TIME

First of all, i'm nobody's door mat! Never was and never will be! I lived my own life while she destroyed hers. I did intervien when i decided i didn't want that sob around my kids and promptly took care of his worthless ass.  Dont assume you know people handled themselves  just from what you read on here , i told only what i wanted them to know.

2. I'm very lucky to have the confidence of a number of much older women who run a counselling and self development ministry where I've done volunteer work for a number of years.  In peoples later years, their perspective on life, love, relationships changes and things that seem so dramatic and dire in midlife become unimportant and trivial to what really matters in the context of a lifetime.  People are more inclined to let go of ego and just relish the moment they are in in the 'twilight' of a lifetime. I feel lucky to have these ladies friendship as I pass through this passage for that reason.

I think this is an interesting contribution.

One of the things that has contributed greatly to the plight of my family (in a positive sense) is the presence of women like you mention who basically said to my wife, "what you are going through is a natural process but you need to seperate the 'I' from 'us' and learn to know what is based on how you 'feel' vs. how things are.  She has an older friend who basically told her, "No shit honey.  I hated my husband for 3 years.  Couldn't stand the sight of him but now I wouldn't trade him for anything.  There is a lot more to this than the quest for happiness."

I guess I would state that one of the biggest enemies to a LBS is the mentality perpetuated by malcontents of, "you need to do what makes you happy," because it establishes happiness as a destination vs. a state of mind.

I know this is somewhat trite and cliche, but take a look at the material items thread.  We were relatively fancy people (a term our friends assigned to us) and we are now literally taking a step back in time, in terms of material possessions, to when we were basically just getting established as a married couple.  

The thing is, I am absolutely content.  I can't wait to move and get down to what is really the baiss of personal fulfillment and hapiness.

[worse]

What actually is a 'loveless' marriage?  As an MLC tenet, I felt permitted to consider divorce and new relationship because of a 'loveless' marriage, but one camp says that 'love' isn't a feeling, it's doing the right thing and honouring commitment.  Another camp says if she doesn't feel love for you, than that indicates a loveless marriage.  It's very confusing.

I admit, I don't 'feel' love in my marriage, but my choice is based on two reassuring things.  1. that the actual sacred vow gets you to say you'll stay for better or worse.  It's a counter intuitive requirement but if you trust in sacred tradition you have to accept it regardless and 2. I'm very lucky to have the confidence of a number of much older women who run a counselling and self development ministry where I've done volunteer work for a number of years.  In peoples later years, their perspective on life, love, relationships changes and things that seem so dramatic and dire in midlife become unimportant and trivial to what really matters in the context of a lifetime.  People are more inclined to let go of ego and just relish the moment they are in in the 'twilight' of a lifetime. I feel lucky to have these ladies friendship as I pass through this passage for that reason.

...no one is putting the kids first when they stay in a loveless marriage. they are being selfish.

We're ALL selfish.  MLC is pain and we each pick a path that we perceive is the least painful.  For some guys, the thought of not being there for their kids or having their kids raised solely by an MLC nutjob (with or without OM) is more painful than enduring a "loveless" marriage.  For other guys, the scale tips the other way.  Still others don't have a choice in the matter.  Their wives bailed with or without the kids.  Living in "limbo" was never an option.  There's no easy answer.

Sage words from Brixy above, as usual.  Regarding the online dating, I met my GF through eharmony and I started dating her shortly before my D was final.  In retrospect, I wish that I had held off for a while since I was clearly not really ready.  Anyway, things worked out and we've been together over a year now.

My GF told me that when she was on sites like match.com, she was always being hit on by losers and married guys.  I think the women generally have to deal with lots of chaff and not much wheat.  Keep plugging away at it.  It's a game that you have to get your head around.  There are some great women out there (I know, I found one) so don't give up.  But please think long and hard about whether you're healed and ready for something serious.  Most women our age are not into casual flings.  Congrats on surviving your wife's mid-life crisis.  Good luck brother.