Left and came back to visit

[noidea]

DrummerN

Didn't hear a word from my W either kind of really makes you wonder?  Not having a good day myself to be honest I guess on these "special days" the mind starts to wander a bit.  In good times and bad for better and worst till death do us part....OUCH!

Peace

[49andlost]

Go Figure,

Well had a great day with my D's, took them a couple of fun places and we enjoyed the day as a family.  W volunteered to come pick them up after, showed up with a card and gift for Father's Day.  A simple, comical card and a thoughtful but not extravagant gift.  I did not react to either, simply said "thank you" and helped the D's pack their stuff into the W's car for the trip home.  I know she was just trying to look normal in the kid's eyes but they are not buying it either.

This stuff is just dragging on, like it is for most of you, and I am growing weary and losing patience.  I am also done whining about "why me", it never did any good anyway.  Probably going to meet up with an old college friend this week who is recently divorced, she is attractive and we had some unacted on mutual chemistry 20 + years ago...should be an interesting week.  yes she know about my sit. I do not lie about it, it is her  idea to get together for drinks and catching up.  Maybe time to really move on and get on with the new me...  be careful what you wish for creatures/aliens.....

49

[DrummerN]

Go Figure,

I know she was just trying to look normal in the kid's eyes but they are not buying it either.

Probably going to meet up with an old college friend this week who is recently divorced, she is attractive and we had some unacted on mutual chemistry 20 + years ago...should be an interesting week.  yes she know about my sit. I do not lie about it, it is her  idea to get together for drinks and catching up.  Maybe time to really move on and get on with the new me...  be careful what you wish for creatures/aliens.....

Ahhh, friends with benefits!  I have told my W that it is time for her to stand up to our children and fill them in on her adventures this past year. By this time next week they should all (4 adult kids-18~24) know. As of now I am looked at as the demon and hear- "mom just wants time alone, this is what SHE wants, you are not making her happy, you two are having "problems" etc"  they don't know of her EA/PA with OW so I'm the cranky, unhappy one. She is just out to find happiness!

Funny, regarding old acquaintances- my 30 hs reunion was 5 yrs ago, a single buddy of mine left with 2 other fine ladies and all of us spoke about it later like oh wow- not me! I happened to be there with my "loving" W. 

My next one is this November to which I'll be going alone- guess I might consider becoming the life of that party now too.



 

[Bystander]

Ahhh, friends with benefits!  I have told my W that it is time for her to stand up to our children and fill them in on her adventures this past year. By this time next week they should all (4 adult kids-18~24) know. As of now I am looked at as the demon and hear- "mom just wants time alone, this is what SHE wants, you are not making her happy, you two are having "problems" etc"  they don't know of her EA/PA with OW so I'm the cranky, unhappy one. She is just out to find happiness! 
 

You're expecting your W to be honest and tell the "truth" to your kids? And you think she's going to do it -- instead of CONTINUING to justify what she's doing? I wouldn't leave that conversation up to her -- they are "adults" (18-24) ... that would be a conversation I'd either have with them myself, or jointly.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

[DrummerN]

Bystander-  thank you for your reply-  I was only giving her the deadline of this Sunday- I also intended to follow up immediately after to verify what she had told them just in case she wasn't going to say anything while I was present.  And, if they doubt, I have incriminating IM files that I would share with them privately- definitely proving that mom was not just going out for pizza and a movie with the OF.

Otherwise- I ABSOLUTELY want them to know. I have been living this hell alone (with some support- my older sister, family support minister, also a very close M friend and his wife) while she reacts with them like nothing's wrong, just another day at home, just need to live away from dad, he is so overwhelming and controlling (I'm not by any stretch of the imagination- matter of fact I've been told I'm too easy going) talks to them as she certainly doesn't want to "bother" them with this. It is our problem I hear- they don't need to be worried about it as they are in college and concerned with their own direction.   

Pretty disappointing-  My 18 yo D said to me the other day, you don't want mom to be happy?  She's just having some friends like you do (again, I am outgoing, W is more shy). My 22 yo S (lives here) is avoiding me and any conversation of a personal nature- much like mom! My 24 yo S lives out of town and is more life experienced and much more receptive to our conversations- this will certainly be a major shock to him.

My guess is that to my dtr. it looks like I'm the bad guy- depriving mom of fun while I am the stick in the mud with responsibilities and all that!

[Bystander]

I see what you're saying ( ) but you're still giving HER the first opportunity to "spin it" ... and you KNOW she's going to lie.

I still think YOU should have the conversation with them ... first ... not necessarily SHARING the IMs, but alluding to them. Not that I think it will make a whole lot of difference to your D ... she will come around in time.

[Screaming01]

I think the daughters are the toughest to get through to. My D18 actually lives with W. OM. And aunt and she still views me negatively. When what's wrong is right in front of her face daily. Actually she's my step D. For 15

[49andlost]

Fellas,

It seems that you are seeking that justice and fairness that we all hope for to put the bulk of the blame where it belongs, with the SBTX.  Stop it, you are wasting energy on her feeling shitty and looking bad in the eyes of both of your loved ones.  What real good would that do anyway, it will not heal her or you and you sure as hell do not want her back because she is too ashamed to leave you.  That would be a fun partner don't you think???

There will NEVER be fairness in any of this, time to make your life better for YOU.  If you move on and she wakes up and comes with you, you will then have a chance and only a chance at reconciliation.  Is she does not come back to you, you were NEVER going to get her back...SHE WAS ALREADY GONE!!!!! 

This is YOUR life you have to fix not hers...don't plan to fix your life to include her, you don't have that power.  Your stepchildren will never choose you over Mom, you are asking for something they are not capable of doing. 

You can survive this, step up and help yourself.  Nothing else matters right now...

49

[DrummerN]

49andlost-  I have begun working on myself and do not look at this as some revenge effort-

What I want is the clarity with my kids (my kids are not stepkids) so that when they talk with me it is not that I am harboring some sort of vendetta I have about their mother!  I realize she is gone and may never return-
While I do not have the ability to "fix" her, I at least offered some constructive advice last eve when we were having dinner together at a restaurant (a first for a long time)- "I think if you have problems (with the loss of your mom, dad, empty nest, whatever), you should be seeking professional help (counselor, therapist, psychologist) not the OF who is as needy as you--- you need an umbiased discussion- not with one who is as wanting for your attention as you are of hers and masked as a concerned, close friendship"

[49andlost]

DrummerN,

Absolutely you should expect different reactions from non step children, didn't mean to insult you at all.  I do believe that your advice was very accurate and sound to your W, I simply know that my W will not listen to ANY advice, good or bad that I share with her.  I have been extremely calm and saying very much the same things you did, all she heard was me "telling her what was wrong with her".  It is the same reason that she has cut off virtually everyone of her/our friends and speaks to no one except her "friends" from work that she alone knows.  They are cowards at heart and all at some level know what they are doing is wrong...but they don't want to hear that from anyone from the past.

I hope your wife comes clean with the kids, and I do agree that you need to be in the room as a silent observer to make sure the truth is told.  Then the true damage control will begin with the reactions of your children, they will need your undivided attention for a while.  BE strong like you seem to be and best of luck to you and your family...

49

[DrummerN]

Thank you-  No insult taken at all- just wanted to clarify about the kids-

I'm not sure at all that W listened to me- all I know is that she "heard" me as we sat right across the table from each other and the diner was empty as it was late.  I did notice an amazing lack of eye contact- to the point where I was almost talking to a mannequin!  My eldest separated sister (61) used to be close with my W as she had no siblings of her own-  she noticed her changes over a year ago- when my W spoke with her at least weekly if not monthly. She said she strangely became distant, didn't talk with her anymore, my W blamed (to me) on my sis not "being there" for her when her mother passed away whereas this new OW was easily available 24/7 for her! 
I anticipate being there when my kids are told- at first I thought I would give her the stage alone- then realized we both (if not all) are affected so we should all be there.  They may not think she is changed (she shows like a manic episode behavior- happy go lucky) but they sure have seen me depressed and wondered why. 

[49andlost]

DrummerN,

Keep us informed as to how it goes and how you are handling the emotions of your children.  Share as much as you are comfortable with and I do encourage you not to do it alone.  Seek out counseling for you and the kids..if you haven't already.  You are very right to force her to stand up and admit the truth in order to start the healing for all of you involved, stay strong and detached.



Good Luck,

49

[Bystander]

Wise words, 49.

Drummer: If you kids don't "get" it now (and it's likely they won't), give it time.

[49andlost]

DrummerN,


Any progress?? Not at all trying to pry or push you, just very concerned at this major crossroad for your family and children in particualar.  I can't imagine the angst that you must be feeling with all of this pending.  Again, detach and stay strong for your children and remember YOU DID NOT cause this situation...this is her problem. 

Vent here when and IF you are ready, you owe us NO explanation either way my friend.  My best to your family..

49

[DrummerN]

Spoke with my W as this will be Sunday and she is prepared for it. I told her I wanted to be present- she threw a fit- said she already told them she wanted to talk and have 2 hours available- from her to them and a period of discussion after.  I stated it is a family issue- should be open to family- again she threw a fit- stated she needed to talk to them alone and without me (go out to Home Depot or something she said!) My guess is that with my insisting- she will just drop it altogether and not say anything so in the interest of her saying something to them, I am considering relenting. 2 of my 4 kids think it's my fault anyway and I am obsessed with looking at her computer files, reading her emails etc as they have walked by when I was reviewing although did not see anything. I mentioned MLC to them (WRONG MOVE!) and was told I am focusing on that instead of the "issues".  My 22 yo S said to me yesterday- so what- you have problems and need to work on them- I don't want to know- mom needs to be happy (implying I was keeping her from that!) So typical of a response. In Christine's ebook for Men with Wives in MLC, she opens with the bullets of symptoms. W has had no less than 85~90% of them.   

It doesn't really hurt me either way- just wanted her to stand up and tell them with me present. On the other hand- I told her I want the same courtesy and have them all present when I ask what she told them- She doesn't need to be there for that. My guess is that she will give an abbreviated speech- maybe leaving out chosen items- however I am prepared to let them know it all- including giving them their mother's AIM log file copies to show how she had been involved for some time- at least a year as their were references to last June!

Interesting- I know a close F friend of the OW who also works for my W, this friend has been having much trouble with OW in communication contact etc. and she was close friends (BFFs) in the past.  My W said- I thought you had told the friend since her attitude has changed for the OW these past 2 weeks!  I said no, however I am not saying I won't in the future- She just looked at me as I was killing her dog and so sad that I could do something like that to their (the F friend and the OW!) friendship!!!  Just an uncaring individual I suppose. 

My guess is that the reality of it all, she has had problems with me (and herself) for years and years but had clammed up about it. She had never asked about counseling- professional, religious or otherwise.  I cannot be held responsible for not doing what she wanted to do with her life! Our beautiful kids are now grown- "I'm a cast iron weight just dragging down her ship of happiness!"  I asked about counseling now and she refused- stating you need it for yourself- not me, not MC but IC!

My MIL passing away 2007 and last child off to college gave her no reason to be connected to anything- she is an only child, her kids are all adults- she owns a business- she has no further use for me! (especially being unemp. at present and unable to supply medical coverage at this time!) We just share the house bills, college tuitions and other routine expenses.