Is it midlife crisis or Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Belle2]

Perhaps I am BPD and just managed to hold it together until I turned 40??

I was googling some of the issues I'm struggling with and keep coming up with these references to Borderline Personality Disorder instead of midlife crisis.

This article especially resonated with me.

Unacknowledged Grief Can Keep You Stuck

Grief is intense emotional suffering caused by loss. It is a deep sadness and or an acute sorrow. For many people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) loss is all-too-familiar. Loss results when a child's basic needs are not met. Loss results when one is abused physically, emotionally, verbally, and even more so -- sexually. Loss results when one is or when one feels neglected and or not cared about. Loss results from a wide-variety of experiences. Loss, in life, is inevitable. Learning to cope appropriately with loss is a major part of recovery.

For many people with BPD the losses just continue to compile until at some point they have become so overwhelming (whether one is aware of them as the source of their grief or not) that they become the embodiment of the fear and the avoidance that have attached to initial trauma in such a way as to fuel the development of defense mechanisms, walls and denial that keep a borderline dissociated from their grief. If you are dissociated from your grief many of life's average situations and interactions will set off pain and distress inside of you. You may or may not understand and be aware of the connections. Refusing to acknowledge your pain and to grieve that pain will keep you stuck in the active throes of BPD.

Remaining dissociated from your grief serves to increase your pain because so much of the behaviour and the resulting distorted thoughts govern the patterns that emerge from these efforts to protect and avoid the pain of your loss or losses. Unacknowleged loss hightens the tide of the borderlines' ocean of pain, constantly adding to an ever-swelling sea of suffering which remains submerged and results in yet more and more grief. This grief, if it is perceived at all, consciously by the borderline, then takes the shape and has the depth of a maelstrom of whirlwind proportions that is experienced as being outside of self rather than being correctly perceived pain that is a part of oneself. You are alienated from yourself because you have chosen not to "live" with all of your truth -- the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. The threat to trying to face your pain at this stage is that you have lost your self to the externalization of it. You have built it up into some big foreign monster that has the power to annhilate you.

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/bordergriefstuck.htm

PLEASE RESPECT THIS SECTION AND DO NOT RESPOND UNLESS YOU ARE A WOMAN DEALING WITH MLC OR A CONSTRUCTIVE SUPPORT PERSON.

[chono3]

Belle - Well....I'm not a woman and I'm not sure that I qualify on the second criteria, as I hold no formal position here.

I'm of the opinion that BPD and MLC are not necessarily mutually exclusive. There seems also to be a divergence of opinion as to age of onset. In other words, an individual might be traited with BP features at an early age and then due to stress might later become disordered. All of us display BP features to some degree at different times in our lives. Different personality traits might become more prominent depending upon life circumstances.

A.J. Mahari, the author of the piece you cited, is in my opinion brilliant on the subject matter. She is a survivor of the disorder herself and having read her story, it was a very severe case. I find her writing absolutely fascinating and inspiring.

Please know that I understand that you are in pain. I respect the fact that you are searching for answers. We all are. The pain is raw for many of us. The answers to the complexities of life will always be elusive. What we all share are that the questions and answers as well as the journey to find them are integral to our happiness and sometimes our survival.

Good luck and best wishes on your journey. Peace.

[Belle2]

Chono, thankyou for your comments but interaction between the Mens Section and the Womens position here has no positive outcome.  Your objectivity is decent... but it isn't shared by everyone on the board or lurking.

I've just thought I'll post a few ideas and things I am learning, for any woman that might come across this site in the future and unwittingly post assuming the environment is sympathetic to her situation.  Sometimes people deserve the benefit of unprejudiced information that is free from judgement which is what I believe I can do by referring to proper clinical information.

But thankyou for your observations. 

[walterny]

I would like to ask for help in some casual research I am doing related to this. There is apparently a personality fixation relationship to MLC and females. One type in particular is noted as having the most difficulty with MLC and the one most likely to loose themselves. In the science of the Enneagram it is most often the type three "image driven" that looses themselves because outside of the veil they have made of who they are all their life, once it drops, they have few internal resources to counter what is left when their only external defense disappears. I have given Enneagram tests to a number of MLC suffers and sure enough they come up as the type three. Perhaps I can explain this in more detail here soon, but have to run right now.

[NewLife]

Walter, sorry there aren't more takers for your survey yet.  I was really into the Enneagrams about 8 years ago and determined myself a 9 with 4 and 5 wings.  It's interesting but I don't think it carries much weight at the end of the day since there are far too many influences and nuances that make a person who they are.  It wouldn't surprise me to find that 3's took a greater internal 'fall' during a midlife transistion though, in a similar way to how many men take their fall.  People who have been goal driven and have fairly streamlined focus don't seem to have as much familiarity with the wide range emotional voices that call a human being.  But then again, having a sound sense of self and selfs place in the world no doubt determines how that 3 would choose and decide even then.

Anyway, it's interesting and enlightening to explore the nature of the human being.

[walterny]

Thanks for teh reply newlife. The physical factors (family history of thyroid disease, bad PMS, etc) and the social factors (great lose, major move, change of job, loss of social structure, etc) and the predisposition for certain types of personalities are all factors and each has weight. It is interesting and the similarity in personality fixation and the loss of self during the crisis is far greater than you may believe.

Also a note: based on your feedback, you can not be a 9 with a 4 and five wing, there is no such combination so perhaps the methodology you used was not correct. If you'd like to take the only scientifically validated test, let me know, it can be very revealing.

All the best!

[locksmith4you]

This is evidence that the hard wiring in these women’s heads is truly out of whack.

1. They don’t get that when you look hurt, unhappy and “in pain” it’s because of something they’ve done. They think it’s because of something you’ve done because if she hurt you, you deserved it and she was right to hurt you. She’s confused hurting you with “showing you affection” and trying to take most of your assets as “generosity.” You cannot reason with this.

Once most men finally get out of an abusive relationship, they feel an intense amount of relief. They have regret and sadness that they fell in love with a woman who doesn’t really exist and put up with the abuse for so long, but that’s normal. Nearly every man I know who’s broken free from one of these women is infinitely happier—even with less money (if it’s divorce—a reader describes it as “the price of freedom, sanity and happiness”) and/or less time with their kid(s). Once the abuse stops, it’s a tremendous relief.

2. What they call love is really abuse and control, but they doggedly insist, “it’s love.” Enough said.

3. They truly believe they were the best wife or girlfriend. You could show this kind of woman a video tape of one of her unprovoked rage attacks and she’d still deny she did it or find a way to blame you for it. Her defense mechanisms on this are impenetrable.

[walterny]

Belle take a look into this topic and you'll find something that is the beginning of many of every case of MLC here:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Identifying-and-Healing-Narcissistic-Wounds

Best of luck. Glad to see you are trying to get answers. That is a good sign that you are on the way to recovery.

I would strongly suggest every woman here read Alice Miller's "The Drama of the Gifted Child". It is a difficult book to read but will open your eyes as to why you are where you are. A few pages of it may be so hard for you to read as it will say things that you don't want to hear, but don't give up. It is the answer.   

[walterny]

Fantastic Belle. No wonder why you are so far along in this mess they call MLC (I say so far along but don't take it literally, I know it's along journey). So many women need to understand the origin and the narcissism that causes us to lead a life that we realize is not us aka MLC. I'm trying to tell a lot of the men on this site about their wives and how they too led a life that was not who they are, but it is difficult for many men to accept that their wife was not the women she presented herself as. She didn't even know that at the time either. I'm glad you are finding yourself. Also good to see you have found Healing the Hidden Self. It sounds like it is healing and bringing you closer to yourself and hence God. I hope your journey brings great things for you!

[walterny]

But no, I'm not a Borderline personality Disorder. 

I agree, you are not. But the similarities are close. Similarities in that Borderline disorder has a lot of narcissistic elements in it. I would agree that both MLC and BPD are not exactly the same thing but the origins of both come from very similar places and many of the appearances mimic each other. One major difference is that those with BPD manifest many of the symptoms throughout their life, while the MLCer manifest many of the BPD symptoms (anger, abuse, lack of empathy, etc) when "the veil drops" and they are faced with the reality of their existence and the confusion caused by the loss that triggers the MLC.

[walterny]

Not everything about my prior life was false though, Walter.  I'm essentially the same person. 

Of course, I didn't say it correctly. I was referring to the narcissism. The part each of us suffers as a child. The part that is a major factor in bringing about MLC.

[walterny]

I mean if it helps men detach to have a recognized diagnosis for the W’s behaviour, it’s a good thing I guess, because it’s imperative to detach. 

Unfortunately many men can not detach and rather look at the wife as "in a cloud" "broken" and "crazy" which of course does nothing to make the wife want to talk nor even be near the husband. From the male side, the way this seems to hit like a sudden storm, many men are left looking for answers.

"In my own case, I found that being told the various mental and psychological conditions I’m suffering has been detrimental to moving through."

I can completely understand. Who wants to be told they are "defective" which is essentially what it must all sound like and the last thing one would want to hear.

"I was able to identify a particular narcissistic mantra that came to life after my mother admitted she didn’t like me when I was 15.  Sounds silly I know but I’ve had to grieve that moment because it was a death that was replaced with my “I’m so much better than she knows” mantra." 

No, not silly in any sense. The pain that we endure all our lives from unresolved family matters is certainly as valid as anything else. I went through similar pain of my mother at 34. I always say my mother was a great mother to me, but  a lousy person to me. The emotional abuse she gave me was very detrimental on my life. It wasn't until I came to that realization and had to stop my life and address it before I could move on. I have a new relationship with my mother now. It's not the same relationship, more on my terms. The pain never goes away, but understanding makes it bearable. I'd equate it to you having a new mantra.

"The other thing I did this September was a week silent retreat with spiritual direction."

Fantastic! We should all be made to do this at times in our lives. To be with oneself (finally) and have to face only yourself so that you can see and hear what is going on is tremendous. I think the key to a lot of people who face MLC is that they kept their lives "busy". In keeping busy they quieted their mind and what was brewing underneath was not being addressed. We all do this. We all seem to keep our minds so busy that rarely do we have time to really be authentic with ourselves. Hense why program slike you did are amazing as they allow us to really look inside with no diversions, and do so with only unconditional love.

"The problem is you have to come back and live in the world that is not in the least about unconditional love." 

The place it all began, or ended. No, the world is often not a safe place. We must find inner resources to help us weather the storms of life. Finding who you are is key to helping one develop a circuit that allows us to find unconditional love in what is often a cruel world. If we can not get it from others at times, we must learn to find it in ourselves. But many things in our childhood prevent us from being able to look inside to find resources. Hence as you said, one must get through one issue (usually something in our earlier childhood) to find acceptance of the other (our adult life). The key is always authenticity with oneself. That is the hard part to find.

[locksmith4you]

Locksmith, rage and pain distort the world for anyone.  MLC wife or LBS husband.  I know you're a prayerful person and from my experience we can overthink prayer and even fashion it into a weapon of sorts.  Could you simply ask the Lord to help you detach from your W?  Take the anger and hurt to a counsellor. You must realise with all the wisdom you've read here that you are inflicting more pain on yourself that anyone.  Every person is a different kettle of fish and I'm not a fan of the 'these women' statements because there simply isn't going to be a formula that every man can use.  These are personal journeys for introspection and discovering our own God given wisdom.

Belle, I disagree,
We are here to help one another through our own experiences. If giving information on what I believe is my case with fact not fiction then it may help many on here with dealing with what has happened.

Closure is a healthy part of ending a relationship. You each get to say your peace. You both apologize for any unintentional and/or intentional hurts. You say goodbye and wish each other well. This is how closure works between two reality-based, reasonably sane adults who basically had a good relationship. It didn’t work because of different goals, values, interests, a lack of compatibility or you grew apart instead of together.

Attempting to obtain closure with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic and/or borderline woman is always a maddening exercise in futility. You will never get closure with this kind of woman. NEVER. She doesn’t meet the three most important prerequisites for giving and receiving closure:

1.A reasonable degree of sanity.
2.A foothold in reality.
3.Empathy.

[locksmith4you]

But I do aggree with prayer, asking him for help to detach from this type of person is all I have asked from the lord.
He is not my weapon but my saving grace. With out him in my life i could not have detatched so well.

Life is soooo good for me now. Hence my posting in life after a divorce.

[walterny]

Belle and others,

Please ignore the men who bring negativity and try to tell you that you are sick, ill, or crazy. You are not and you need empathy, not ignorance. Please do keep the channel of communication open with those who do care about your condition, sympathize with the pain it brings and like you want to understand it.