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trying222
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« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2010, 01:29:09 PM » |
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PHG - Just my two cents worth on your date this weekend as a dating divorcee myself - subject of a mind blowing MLC from ex - no offense to you guys who say "have fun" but.... Run.  T22 |
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pghobbsx
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« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2010, 01:50:52 PM » |
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thanks guys...
i am leaning towards not continuing this relationship any more . i feel like i should have learned something from the crisis i was put thru. and if i do not listen to my past experiences, i am still no better off then i was. those little voices are telling me something.
i did date a lady about 6 months ago and she has the same signs of meno, mlc that my X did. i am still friends with her, but every month or so she e-mails me and tells me how much in love she is with the latest guy. she is now on about the 5th guy since me and she always moves in with the guy and it never works out. she is definately a mixed up woman.
so maybe i should stop this one now before i get caught up in it. i really like this lady but there are those little nagging things. maybe i sabotage it before it begins. i am not sure.
but most of you are correct when you say this is just dating. i am not looking for a companion for the rest of my life....yet.
pghobbsx
Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own
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trying222
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« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2010, 02:55:49 PM » |
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re: dating -
PGH - I tended to discount women who had/have never been married - no children. But the gal I am seeing now - we met at the health club - is a 40 year old triathlete - never married, no kids. (I am 47)
We are having a blast. She is cool with my past. And she has been in several pretty long term relationships that just didn't work out, so she knows what its all about.
So, don't rule out those gals.
I am just worried when you hear about a woman slam her ex, the marriage - but yet she stayed in that long. I am positive my EX told the OM - "we have struggled for so long, married too young, never loved each other."
Riiiggghhhttt. That's why a strong, talented, no nonsense business woman like you stayed with me for 23 years?
See? It leans toward justification and bull crap. Honesty? That's one thing. Lying? Use your radar my friend. Your gal sounds like she is making it up as she goes along.
T22
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pexio
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« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2010, 04:02:30 PM » |
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Yeah, MLC-dar. We've all got that now.  There's some warning signs for sure, pg, but women stay in abusive relationships for a long time (my mother did) for "the sake of the kids" or because that was all they knew so don't write her off so quickly. Try to find out about her childhood: parents happily married, no history of 'disorders' in the family, no abandonment, neglect, or abuse at a young age. It's all about the childhood brother. Dating's fun though ain't it? |
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kjh
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« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2010, 05:30:37 PM » |
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I would add. check out the mother. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I thought it was different with my stbx. I dismissed the nature and bet on the nurture and I lost the bet. My stbx is reverting back to her mother - before the speech in november the kids started to notice and made comment to her "you are starting to sound like your mother" who btw is, how can I say this nicely, a very disagreeable unhappy, hen, who dislikes most people and has poor social skills. My friend has a general theory. And it goes beyond genetics too. He says research he has seen shows a general drift back to values and beliefs the child grew up with in the family home. If that is the case then for me it means my stbx will know the price of everything but the value of nothing. bottom line for me as I move on eventually to the dating scene is before I get serious with any woman I will evaluate the family and especially the mother thoroughly. On a more humerous note I am sure we all have had the friend or the friend of a friend who slept not only with the daughter but the mother too. Now I am not suggesting such a trist, but maybe it is not as crazy as I once thought.
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pexio
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« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2010, 06:47:39 PM » |
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I would add. check out the mother. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree....
In 1964, my XMIL had an affair with a senior Marine sergeant about to retire whose wife and kids lived back in Alabama. My X is the product of said affair. In 2008-9, my X had an affair with a senior Marine sergeant about to retire whose wife and kids lived back in Alabama. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree? Yeah, I'd say so.  |
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kjh
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« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2010, 09:01:06 PM » |
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pexio that is too wild. I couldn't come up with that even from a Jerry Springer episode. Unbelievable example. If I believed in Freud there would be so much to discuss. Sorry it had to happen.
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trying222
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« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2010, 11:09:27 PM » |
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ahhhh - so the woman I am dating - her mother left her father when she was 4. Mother re-married the town's mayor. then left the family completely in the 80s. On third marriage now.
My girlfriend and her sisters have not heard from this woman for 20 years. She lives nearby.
Damn it.
My ex MIL? Never finished high school, pregnant with my Ex. Low self esteem - which I had known for years. Ex wife spiraled into her low self esteem - depression. Nice.
Maybe single is the way to go guys.
What the hell.
T22
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pghobbsx
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« Reply #23 on: February 01, 2010, 11:35:43 PM » |
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update...
i have a date scheduled with the lady in question on Wednesday. i plan on asking a lot of questions. not in a bad way. i an just curious. maybe we should get a questionaire made up on here and have all our new dates fill it out....lol
i am getting a little nervous thinking that there is something wrong with me being attracted to broken women. am i just a fixer and always looking for someone that needs fixing?
my X did come from a very disfunctional family. alcoholic grandparents. alcoholic mother. spineless father never standing up to the dominant mother.
trying222 may be on to something about staying single. it is a way to keep from getting hurt again.
but from my pain came a new reality for me. i am now a survivor. it has made me realize i can make it thru anything life throws at me now. i spent sunday at my sisters house and all 3 of them said how much i have grown since my divorce. it may not be obvious to me, but if it is to others then it must be there. God is working miracles and i for one am proof of that.....
pghobbsx
Our actions define us, not our words.
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chono3
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« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2010, 11:40:59 PM » |
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Bunch of paranoid bastards ain't ya? LOL
Seriously speaking pghobbsx, give it some more time. Your're just dating. I think there is a tendency after all we've been through to see MLC behind every bush. Might be premature to judge so quickly after a few comments and one date.
I'm dating a woman now and I've confronted her for clarification on things that she has said. I ask. I'm straight forward. It takes awhile to get comfortable enough to be frank and that open. People say shit all the time that comes out wrong or out of nervousness or to make an impression or because they think that is what you might want to hear.
Trust me, I don't want a repeat of this crap in my life either but lighten up guys. LOL It is a date not a job interview.
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Through the hills of Kentucky 'cross the Ohio River. The old man kept talking 'bout his life and his times. He fell asleep with his head against the window. He said an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind.
Minutes to Memories - JCM
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JoeP88
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« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2010, 01:12:51 AM » |
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so true BB
just have fun brutha...do what I just did. lol. wait, dont do that. lol.
Dont ask her anything..small talk. find out what kind of food she likes, what she drinks, what she does in her free time. open the doors for her... all in good time.
dont worry about all that stuff now. I'm dating...after 17 years of not being single (and I'm 34 and have a lot going on for me)...working on 7 girls all at once. it's great!
Enjoy it, PG! It's time for YOU to have fun. one day at a time! one date at a time.
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It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
- Foo Fighters
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kjh
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« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2010, 03:07:34 PM » |
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Joe 7 girls? what kind of computer system do you need to keep track of all this? I can't believe an I phone or Blackberry would do it. Also what are your monthly Viagra bills? I need to know this as a negotiating tool when my stbx and I sit down to discuss finances.
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pghobbsx
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« Reply #27 on: February 04, 2010, 12:21:09 PM » |
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update,
i had my 2nd date with my lady friend last night. she came to my place.
we talked a lot about our past. which is normal because that is the one thing we have in common. divorce.
well i did find out a few things about her childhood. she was raised by her grandparents. not her parents. i did not ask why her parents did not raise her, but it did seem like she did not want to go there.
the more we talked about her X the more i found out how he was physically abusive. in fact on their first date 30 yrs ago he hit her when she would not give him what he wanted. and the abuse kept on going throughout their marriage. more verbal than physical. i want to feel bad for her, but who in their right mind would stay in a relationship that is abusive? talk about low self esteem. and maybe i am feeling a little low self esteem myself in wanting to date someone like her. she is funny, quick witted and very polite. i just do not see how she could have put up with that crap for so long. she insists on saying she knew the marriage was bad from day one. she is well educated and a nurse.
one thing i noticed is that she is very affectionate for only the second date. i did not get this type of affection so quickly with any of the other woman i dated.
so now tell me....RED FLAG, STOP....or GREEN FLAG , GO FOR IT....
pghobbsx
Our actions define us, not our words.
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Gary
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« Reply #28 on: February 04, 2010, 01:03:45 PM » |
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she insists on saying she knew the marriage was bad from day one. Danger Will Robinson!!!! Sorry PG this sounds really familiar to me, and a few others here i'm sure  I'd say RED FLAG but your gut will tell you better than anyone. Good luck |
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Light up the darkness........
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Hurtman
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« Reply #29 on: February 04, 2010, 01:59:50 PM » |
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PGH,
My friend, I smell danger.
Always a very serious problem when a woman persues and stays in an abusive relationship. If you dug deeper I am afraid this is probably the case with any relationship she has ever had.
Most likely there are some very deep seated issues with her father. As you pointed out, she was not raised by her parents. Major problem. I can feel it in my bones.....major daddy issues.
I had an experience like this late last summer. Fantastic gal- attractive, smart, witty, great mother. Unfortunately she liked being in abusive relationships. After learning about the pattern of crappy past relationships, I questioned her about how her relationship was with her father on our third date. I got the answer I suspected. I never contacted her again after that date.....I knew it was a lost cause. Guess what? She returned to her previous abusive boyfriend, a man she admitted HATED women, about two weeks later.
I could never provide what she wanted, the only thing she knew from relationships- abuse. Her loss, not mine.
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