Completely Lost

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

Gary,

Well said, I have a 12 and 16 as well as 19, God only knows how it will effect them. My 16 yr old says he doesn't want a girl and if he did he would make sure he got a pre-nuptial.

[trying222]

Gary -

i guess how I see this is this - i had no control.  She left.  So, i could fight, deny, pray, and not accept what happened, OR

I could take the opportunity to broaden my horizons, make my children a priority beyond anything i have ever done - get closer to them than I have ever been.

And I have met and dated women that if those relationships had lasted, the girls would have benefited greatly from having them in their lives.

But at the very least, my girls see their dad as someone who is grounded - faithful - strong (I hope), and who loves them unconditionally.

But i hear you.  I would love to be with (her).  BUT, the wonderful gift wrapped in crap is this - make the best of every moment - live life to the fullest - get out of the rut you were in in your marriage.

MLC should not be wished for - but when it hits?  Embrace what comes - don't fight it.  Look for the positive - there will be plenty!

Trust me - t22

[locksmith4you]

T22,
you took the words right out of my mouth. i feel the same about my X. but my X is into this a little over 3 yrs and i think she has to still hit bottom. when she does i will be there to help her as a friend and only a friend. but it will feel good to be only a friend and no more of this nervous anxiety i had for so long.
so let's raise a beer to the Colts over the Saints. this is the first superbowl in 28 yrs i have not watched with my sons. they are on a cruise and they get to watch it on a movie screen on the main deck while lying in the pool. i am jealous. plus my football pool numbers are colts 8 and saints 1 and it is worth $2000. YEE HAW!!!!

gary,
now that i look back to my X's MLC event, i can say it was definetly a gift. i would not want to be with her in her condition. she is angry, spoiled, manic depressive just to name a few. and not being around that is a gift for me. hopefully someday you will recognize the gift you are being given....

pghobbsx
true love goes beyond all logic and reason.

Sorrry for your $2000 loss,

[Brixy]

Whenever I hear the words family destroyed, I think of this quote form the movie Mrs, Doubtfire:

Oh my dear Katie. You know some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you poppit, you're going to be alright... bye bye.

[pghobbsx]

locksmith4you,
it was a great game. i always enjoy when the team that wins is a first time winner. payton won one. someone elses time now.
if i would have won the money my X probably would have wanted 1/2 anyway....lol

pghobbsx
Our actions define us, not our words.

[Hurtman]

Yes, half.........your half, AND her half!!

[losingit]

I wanted to ask who has seen the movie 'Fireproof' and their thoughts. I don't necessarily know if what his wife was going through in the movie was MLC or just plain frustration from the marriage. The seemed to go against the idea of detaching even though his wife started to find interest in another man. I don't know guys...I just saw the movie and it put a lot of confusion in my head. 

[simracer88]

I wanted to ask who has seen the movie 'Fireproof' and their thoughts. I don't necessarily know if what his wife was going through in the movie was MLC or just plain frustration from the marriage. The seemed to go against the idea of detaching even though his wife started to find interest in another man. I don't know guys...I just saw the movie and it put a lot of confusion in my head. 

Did your W see with you?
My W and i saw it together a few months into her twister and it had a great eye opening effect ON BOTH OF US.
Detaching is for you, to gain self control over your thoughts and doings.
No contact is when her power over you takes over everything in your life, You can't eat, you can't sleep, everything is about her, the drama takes over, you no the routine.
So it is best to Learn detachment, and go no contact for your own good.
Without doing so, you will react to everything she does or says and the vicious circle never breaks, You cannot move forward with her or anyone if you cannot move forward within yourself, If you do not learn these self control tips, your obsession to fix her will never fade and you will never heal.You gotta let go of the what if's and what now's and what can i try next.

You can be your best freind or your own worse enemy, It's all in how you control you.

[losingit]

No she didn't watch the movie with me. We live in the same house (separate bedrooms), but no longer speak. I'm almost certain that she saw the movie as well because a mutual friend of ours gave her the dvd to borrow.

 I was doing all of the typical begging and pleading the first month when this nightmare started. Then I came across this forum and have really been trying my hardest to stick to the detaching idea. I understand I have to do this for my own peace of mind and to prepare for things to get much worse. It has been about 2 weeks now since I've tried to put the detachment idea into action. I know it will take time, but thus far I can't say it has made me feel any better and less depressed. I am eating again however, little by little, but I just can't help thinking "what else can I do to make her understand".

Before I started detaching myself, I use to do nice things for her in the house - making sure the house was clean, groceries were done, and making sure I cooked meals so she would always have something to eat. I've stopped doing these nice gestures in accordance with the whole detaching idea, but I still question it. I guess part of me thinks or hopes that if she saw and noticed enough of the good things I am doing, it will open her eyes again. I guess this is what confused me about the movie so much. He continued to do nice things for his W even after he got the divorce papers. 

[pexio]

Fireproof is an interesting movie.  We had quite a discussion on it here many months ago.  I think the important take-away, at least for me, was the father character explaining to his son that love is a decision, not a feeling.  MLC'ers tend to be ignorant of or forget that fact.  Other than that, the storyline has few parallels to our sitches.  The main character in the movie was perhaps in MLC himself or, at the very least, an ass.  Moreover, Fireproof is a movie complete with the requisite happy ending - not real life.  Keep up the detachment, losingit.  The Love Dare stuff hasn't proven to work with MLC'ers.

[paulsc1]

for the mlcer love is a feeling! that feeling has to run its course! then it has to become an action - then oh shit! I dont feel it anymore! then they get confused and ................ By which time!!!! they have gone right back to the start and have to start again - the LBS however dosnt need to go back - he just needs to go forward! Follow the advice on this site regarding mlc and the stuff in films wont matter, nor will her fall to grace! Let her go and get ready to watch her in your wingmirrors as you do one of the best overtakes you will ever do!

[Bystander]

These strategies (Fireproof/Love Dare, Marriage Builders, DivorceBusters, etc.) ONLY WORK IF THE MLCER BRINGS IT TO YOU. It doesn't work if the LBSer does it. The broken party needs to start the FIX. Only then can the LBSer join in.

Trust me, Losingit, EVERY GUY ON HERE did what you did to begin with ... my brother was watching the 5 kids, doing the dishes, cleaning the house, etc. while the SIL was going out on ice cream dates with the OM.  In all reality, it just makes it EASIER on the MLCer. She sees, "See, he can take care of things. I don't need to. I can just be ME, with the love of my life." Usually, what has led her to this point is a breakdown ... a feeling of being overwhelmed. When you take off those responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping), it just gives her MORE time to be self-indulgent (or to indulge in the OM).

And, she is suspicious ... my SIL said something to the effect of, "You're just trying to make me look bad" or "Sure, you're doing this now, but you'll go right back to not doing things soon" or something like that. (My brother actually did quite a bit around the house, and me and my mom did most of the housekeeping for her.    )

Losing it... you're already starting to eat again, which means it (detachment) is STARTING to work. This, like EVERYTHING ELSE, takes time. 

[losingit]

Thanks everyone for your input about the movie. I'll continue down this difficult road of detachment. I think if it wasn't for this forum and all of you, I would have lost any progress I've made over the last two weeks, after seeing this movie.

Bystander, your perspective is such a gift. Thank you! What your SIL said to your brother, my W said to me almost word for word - along with, "I don't feel so comfortable with you doing all these things for me". I guess I never looked at what I was doing as enabling her to self-indulge. Makes sense though.

[daniel]

Totally agree! BB!!  been there done that tried that... it takes two
I would say by the time you hear about or see that movie it's too late....

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

Hey Dan,
Haven't heard from you in a while How goes the battle? Feel so down, where have you been? Just checking up bros!