Is this a good thing?

[Brian2010]

Yesterday, the wife explained to me that she believes that she has had self-esteem issues her entire life and, as a result, she was never able to fill her 'internal reservoir' properly.  She further explained that she needs to continue to 'work on herself' to fill her 'internal reservoir' in order for her to be able to work on the marriage.  From the best that I can tell, working on herself seemingly means to work on her art and 'find herself within the marriage'.  She also stated that she now realizes that I am not the cause of her empty reservoir, rather, that this problem existed long before she met me.  Only when there is enough in her reservoir, she said, that she would have something to give to the marriage. 

I am glad that she recognizes that 1) She is not right and 2) I am not the cause of it.  I have not detected a re-appearance of EA OM in about a month now.  I am wondering if anyone has seen this before.  Thoughts?

[angel]

Sounds good.

BUT,

Please understand that the alien is very very very undependable, emotionally. They will be introspective, then evil, then sad, then indifferent, then etc...the list goes on and on.

My X told me two weeks ago she was going to see a shrink, and was looking forward to it.  She recognizes she has problems.  Guess what?  She hasn't gone, and I doubt she will. 

Actions are the only thing that mean anything, words are empty.

[Brian2010]

I agree, Angel.  I have seen her cycling, but I have seen far less evil over time.  She has been going to IC for maybe 4-5 months now.  She has recently asked for, and has been taking, anti-depressants as of last week.  It's here move and I hven't seen any action on her part.  Actions, not words.  Until then, play with the kids and me time.... oh, and eyes open.

[simracer88]

Brian, be on the lookout for OM withdrawals.
 This is the same effect as a drug addict not getting a fix, She could be telling you everything you want hear to throw you off track.

  Now if she's willing to go to IC or MC,then she maybe real about it only time will tell, stay on guard and DO NOT PUSH HER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.
 As our brother BB would say, ACTIONS NOT WORDS.

[Brian2010]

Thanks guys.  Yeah, I am also worried about this all being a stall tactic, but, if I had to bet, I think she actually believes what she is saying because it matches exactly what I think happened to her, even before this all started nearly six months ago. Yeah, my reservoir did in fact get blown up, but I can't wait for her to build it back up for me.  I built it once and I've started again.  It's just a shame that she hasn't really laid brick one and I wonder what will happen if I rebuld it without her and she comes back all the way.  If she wants her name in the cement, she better get here before the last of it is poured and dries.

How much time lapsed for your wife to go between the "bursts"  and "poof"?  I know that each case is different, but I'm just trying to get a baseline.  Thanks again.

[AllRightyThen]

How much time lapsed for your wife to go between the "bursts"  and "poof"?  I know that each case is different, but I'm just trying to get a baseline.  Thanks again.

Hi Brian,

In my case, there have been bursts but nothing I'd call a "poof."  The trend is positive and evident, but volatility remains.  We are now 18 months post OM. 

I have been consistently asserting boundaries to which she is generally resistant.  In this environment, improvement comes but I'm the primary mover.  Your brick analogy reminded me of a favorite story:  The Cask of Amatillado by Poe.  Heh, wonder what that reveals about me . . .

Anyway, as the boundaries are constructed on every side except the direction I want her to move . . . after she finishes the fit . . . she has eventually moved in the only remaining direction.  My patience is pushed to the limit, but it does eventually happen.  I can sense it happening earlier and with less prodding from me.  So this trend has been discernible (though not a lot more than that).

I take care to choose boundaries that will hold up in hindsight.  In tense moments, I say to her (as to my teenagers) "I'm aiming for your appreciation in the next 24 years, not the next 24 hours."  In general, I think she senses that I'm watching over her.

Self esteem is something that you can not provide her directly.  But you can do more than watch and wait.  Encourage her in any way you can toward productive achievement.  Praise and appreciate her when she deserves it.  What she's going through is very difficult.

And as for building yourself:  You're right not to wait.  Welcome the chance to lay some of your own bricks.  If it's in the cards, she'll catch up.   

[walterny]

Your wife's own words make it clear she suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder. The "reservoir" is her narcissistic supply which she is admitting is not being filled. It all started in her childhood with her parents lack of self esteem which meant she was never given a true sense of self. She uses achievement and performance as a crack filler to make her feel like a person.

[Brian2010]

Walter, you may be right.  Either way, I think my play is the same.  I can't fix her, no matter what is wrong with her.  Let the professionals do that, if they can. 

As I stated on another post, the tornado was full-on yesterday.  She even said, at one point, that she hoped that I was getting what I wanted out of her NC with the EA OM.  I said: "I am getting nothing out of it.  You are getting the privilege of sleeping in a warm bed and seeing your kids every day."  She then turned onto other attacks, but I was proud of my Michael moment.  That sure looked like OM Jonesing to me.

[e4lseed]

Brian, be on the lookout for OM withdrawals.
 This is the same effect as a drug addict not getting a fix, She could be telling you everything you want hear to throw you off track.

  Now if she's willing to go to IC or MC,then she maybe real about it only time will tell, stay on guard and DO NOT PUSH HER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.
 As our brother BB would say, ACTIONS NOT WORDS.

Yep. The OM withdrawals. This is when they get nasty plus and dream up new things to blame you for. Copped it 1st hand over xmas.

[island]

OK my turn.  Long time reader, first time responding to anything.  Brian, your W is almost identical to mine.  She is under pain medication, sleeping pills, etc. etc. in attempts to come back to reality.  We are in house seperated for 5 months now.  I have the master bed and am proud of it.  I no longer care how the sitch works in either direction - It takes some time to detatch - but you must do it and you will.

My W suffers from childhood/teenager issues directly related to her family life.  Do a search for the "INNER CHILD".  As an only child she was exposed to a dysfunctional family to say the least.  Whenever she visits her parents she gets the biggest headache you can ever imagine (lasting several days) and the stress afterwards is huge.  It's sad yet funny to see this happening.  Now I understand a lot more of what is happening.  Yet you could'nt wedge the three of them apart under any circumstances!  The sad thing is the children see what is happening as she boasts continuously of moving out and leaving me to run the house.  I just don't care anymore about anything she says anymore - bring it on and get out of my life!

Looking back on our family life I have put up with more BS than any of you can imagine and the fact that I kept our family together makes me an invisible hero in my childrens eyes.  That is something they may never know.  Hope you can get yourself on the right track along with the rest of us.  As of now I am actually looking forward to meeting other women depending on how this mess works but at least I AM IN CONTROL of the final outcome and not her.

Good luck, we are with you, you are not alone
Island

[Brian2010]

Thanks, Island.  I have read your earlier posts and I think you have things a little worse than I do.  I am not confronted with any substance problems on her part. IMO, your W is trying to make you jealous by hugging other guys, etc. in front of you.  Anyway, you're right, set your boundaries regarding OM, and when they are crossed you have to respond with prejudice, i.e., file.  Other than that, I am now transitioning to a fairly good statement of detachment.  Just don't talk about the relationship with her at all unless it's positive.  As soon as it turns negative, I say "I'm sorry that you feel that way.  Let me know when you want to work on something positive." and I walk away.  It's time to slow this thing down.  I tried to fix things and it didn't work.  I tried to rationalize with her and it didn't work.  I brought a hug to a gun fight and it didn't work.  It just fueled her fire. 

[Brian2010]

Oh, and my W has now and is taking the ADs.  Wellbutrin, 300 mg/day.  (That's not the max, 450 mg is).  It's not a H-bomb, but it may thin the fog a little.  We will see.  I was warned that she may have a few anxiety or manic indicidents in the first few weeks.  I think that's what I saw on Wednesday.  Anyway, we have a "get away weekend" this weekend.  I'm sure that the force shields will be up, but it could be worse.