She asked me if she could have sex with this person and I said Yes**

[Laurie So]

 :'(I have stuffed up. Help Please. I have lost the plot and need advice from anyone who can help and if you have been in my position and how you saved you marriage. Or if you have any advice.

Unfortunately I got the Book (Survive your wife’s mid life crisis) after I had already done everything wrong in step 3 “what you should avoid doing” so I’m way behind the 8 ball. The only thing I haven't done is seek revenge, and I’m scared that that could happen if she keeps going the way she is, even though I Love Her So Much and I can’t stop loving her!

Let me start at the beginning, I believed we had a very open relationship and I was of the opinion that we were talking openly all the time about everything and I mean everything, who we found sexy and attractive, the men who always lusted after her and so on. She is very attractive Dark Pakistani, very westernized, always dressed smart, always wore short skirts and high heels and at 42 turned more heads then 20 year olds, and looked only 30

So when she came to me and asked if she could make love to this person who had become a friend at the gym, what were my options, I gave her permission believing that out relationship was very strong and we had no secrets. I was totally wrong there were many things, which She had said in one liners like “Sometimes I think you would be better off with out us” “If we weren’t around you would be a lot happier” There are a few years between us and she always felt guilty that I had children with her when my children had already grown. But I loved her and was more then happy too and I have assured her many times that I wouldn’t have even considered marring her if I was going to prevent her from having children.

These one liners are no coming out of the woodwork and she repeatedly brings up countless number of them, as if she has had a list stored in her Memory Bank, and some go back 10 to 12 years or more, things that we have even dealt with and buried.

We had also been having a lot of problems with our business and had been losing money over the last 4 to 5 years, which had put a lot of strain on me and I was stressed and depressed I’m sure, she also began spending less time at our warehouse and more at the gym.

That little Video clip on SYWM-L Crisis could have been us talking, her Mobil Phone Bill was $250 and $310 in texts and Calls.

So unknowing to me they were a lot closer then I was led to believe, which I found out at a later date and basically had had an emotional relationship over 12 months, which the little sexual act then consummated. From there it has spiraled out of control on my part with me doing all the wrong things, which were in the Book. Remember I didn’t get the book till after.

I love her dearly, She is the love of my life and I have never loved anyone like I love her.
Since the event 12 WEEKS AGO we have argued, I have pleaded, I have told her that I want to save our family and want us to stay as a family with no avail. I have told her that I forgive her and want to get things back on track. We have 2 Children 5 (Girl) and 10 (Boy). Yes all the things I shouldn't have done. As I said I hadn't read the book as yet.

Yes her relationship with this guy is still on, she has no inclination at this point to stop it and give our marriage and me a second chance. She goes out 3 to 4 times a week to see him and can come home from 1.00 to 8.30 in the morning, and it break my heart every time. What can I do to sort this out?

Yes a lot of you would say get rid of her, yes I’m a fool for wanting her back, but how we came to be together is like a Fictional Romance Novel with a touch of the “Portrait of Dorian Gray” in it, our meeting and relationship was made in heaven.

Just briefly on that portrait aspect, it is a long story except to say that from age 6 she wanted to come to Australia and started saving. When I first saw that portrait it was basically the January she was born, the way we met was a sequence of events that took me to work where she was, she had only been in the country less then 12 months, spoke perfect English, I wasn’t even looking for a new job when I got the position where she worked.

The portraits is Called Moon Glow I realized only about 8 years ago how much her body and her face resembled her, in every detail including the long black hair and how she wraps it around the top of her head, she even looks Dark like her and many people think it is her.

There are many other things that make it unbelievable, Like the fact that in my previous 2 divorce settlements this portrait was one of three small items that I took. Leaving at today’s value Half a Million dollars in home and assets both times. There are another dozen things, which make it unbelievable, like where it had been stored and when I hung it up. They say be careful what you wish for and I somehow had wished for her so many years ago

This is my third marriage and her second, She is the only person I have never cheated on in all my relationship and marriages, and I have had opportunities, she is my TRUE LOVE and we have been together for 20 years.

She is my one and only true love and I can't see how I will ever love someone like that again. I don't believe I will ever stop loving her and how can I give myself to someone else when I will always love her.

I have been heart broken and inconsolable for days on end and even now I still break out in tears. I just adore and Love her, and she keeps on doing things to hurt me, I really can’t believe how heartless she seems to have become, even not worrying about the children and lying to her son and going out to see this person, although she does deny it. Though I have caught her out several times.

Does anyone have any suggestions? What can I do? How should I tackle this? Can I back track after doing all those things wrong?  Any help at all would be great. I’ve done so man things wrong and we have fought so many nights, it would be a long road back, but as I have said to her it’s a road we could travel at least try it once.

Please help any help.

 

[walterny]

Be prepared for the worst. She is not coming back anytime soon. At this point your relationship is probably over. I say that because she is now taking a turn for the worse. Once she starts to turn negative on you, it is over. But know this, you giving her permission and what she did was not the "cause". She was already on this road, a road that started in her childhood, and you just helped her see it. Time to take care of yourself. Let her go for now. I know you can't, but you must. Be prepared for any number of new directions for her including turning on you in a big way. Yes, turning on you, the guy who loved and supported her, and had two wonderful children. Yes you had a good relationship. Yes you were in love. But she is not "in love with you" now and trying to repair it at this point is more than difficult. I have a story with similar aspects to yours so can tell you being well down this road you are about to travel, it is not good.

[Gary]

Laurie,

Sorry that you have to be here.
You are right, you have screwed up but you can't change the past so stop dwelling on it.

Now, a couple of things, first DO NOT make the mistake that you are different to all the rest of us and that your marraige was more special than ours. It wasn't so start listening to the advice you get here, particularly from the veterans, and start paying attention. I've been married almost 20 years (and thought my marraige was very special) and there are plenty of guys on here married a lot longer than that. We understand, your world has been torn apart, just like ours, you are just at a different stage. We know, we've been there and it sucks It takes a long long time but, in time, it will get better, honestly....it will.
Next, stop begging and pleading, she will just consider you weak and pathetic and kick you whan you're down. That behaviour will make her hate you more so STOP IT!

Now, you have to stop enabling her and let her feel the reality of her choices. Tell her if she wants to go out with scumbag then don't come back. She has picked him over you and even your children. At this time she is not the person you married. You are only her back up plan in case it doesn't work out with him. You have to take yourself out of the equation. Tell her it's either you and the children....or him. That's her only choice to make. Force her to make it!
 You can only control yourself so if she wants to go, then let her go and get on with it. Your only chance for any future is by letting go now, because if you don't the resentment and anger will just build and build. It will eventually destroy you and it will make you hate her. You probably don't believe me but you are in the early stages and are blinded by shock and despair. Fast forward a year or two and you will be feeling differently.

Read the Tools and Perspectives Thread for the LBS and change the tactics. You have to MAN UP. DO IT NOW!!

[Bystander]

Laurie:

I have a couple of suggestions.

First of all, you have to realize that it takes TWO people to have a relationship, and right now, it's just you -- the sound of one hand clapping is ... silence.

Second, she is having a romantic affair. She believes she is "in love with" this man she had an emotional affair with for a year, and now it's a physical affair. As a woman myself, I believe it is nearly impossible for a woman to be "in love with" two men at once. So as her attraction to her OM grew, her attraction to you lessened. That is how she is able to say such cruel things to you, and seemingly not care that it hurts you.

The FIRST thing you must do is GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF MAN! I realize you made all the mistakes in the book (that's natural) ... but that STOPS NOW. Because the guys on here will help you navigate your road FORWARD. You must "get a grip." Whining, pleading, begging ... that's not attractive behavior to her. So stop it. Not just for her ... but for YOU.

I think it's VERY important that you go and seek individual counseling at this point (and possibly get on anti-depressants and/or sleeping pills). This situation is likely the toughest you will ever encounter (even though you've already been divorced twice), and you don't seem to be emotionally equipped to handle it at this moment.

Once you get your mood stabilized, take Gary's advice. You need to SET your boundaries and ENFORCE them. She chooses the OM or you & her family. She can't have both. Right now, she is "cake eating" ("having her cake and eating it too."). But you need to be STRONG YOURSELF before you can take the necessary action that follows setting your boundaries. And that is being READY to let her go, if she chooses the OM. (And it's VERY likely that she will choose the OM, especially since they've been involved for a year-plus.)

I know it seems like there is no hope for you, Laurie ... but it is ALWAYS darkest before the dawn. Our goal here is to help YOU survive your wife's midlife crisis... even if the MARRIAGE does not. And it's possible the marriage won't. That's just the nature of the beast. But even the end of the marriage isn't the end of the relationship, Laurie. You have young children together and she will be part of your life for a long tme to come ..and some men will get a second chance with their ex's ... down the road.

You see, 97% of affairs end. Of the 3% that progress to marriage, only 25% survive (I think the number is
only 25% last five years or more). So if you want to be around for a second chance somewhere wayyyy down the line, you need to MAN UP right now and do the things suggested on here.


But the FIRST thing to remember is that YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU ... not her.
Stop trying to chase her and "win her back." Start making the chances in your OWN LIFE that you need to take this opportunity to be more involved in your kids' lives.. and spend some of that energy on your business ... it sounds like it could use it. The more you chase her, the further away she runs. 

[walterny]

Bystander has given you stellar advice from my perspective. Print it out and keep it with you. Refer to it like a bible. It Is your bible right now.

[crushed]

Laurie,

In my opinion, you have been given stellar advice in the posts above.  I would like to also strongly recommend that you secure your finances - your wife is no longer the woman that you knew - she is capable of stealing from you to the point of robbing you blind.  I thought that was impossible with my Ex but tens of thousands of dollars later I found out differently.  Don't underestimate the treachery of the MLCer.

Crushed

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

One other advice Laurie, assume EVERYTHING AND I MEAN EVERYTHING she tells you is a f'g LIE! They make such good liars. This is no longer the woman you knew, she is an alien.

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

Laurie,
she doesn't give a DAMN RATS ASS ABOUT YOU OR THE CHILDREN NOW, get that through your head and believe it because IT IS TRUE. The sooner you get it, the better you will be. It's ALL ABOUT HER NOW. IT'S HER TIME AND HER LIFE. No problem, then do what you need to do to protect you, the kids, money. She will get cruel, be prepared

[e4lseed]

G'day Laurie
Your biggest mistake was to let her sleep with an OM. If you so desperately want her back then you will have to humiliate her. However this wont be easy and you'll have to do it in a way that she doesn't suspect you. If she is screwing a gym instructor then you can be sure that he is just using her.
Take the advice of the others here and start to detach. It isn't easy I know but that is what you will have to do.
Going by your post I gather you are a lot older than she is. This puts you behind the 8 ball. Go into snooping mode and find out a little more about the OM.
In Australia no fault divorce means mans fault and that is the first thing you have to understand. Protect and hide whatever assets you have and prepare yourself for the worst.

[Laurie So]

Thanks Walterny, Gary, Bystander, Crushed, Jimbonolongeri, BB and e4lseed. I feel so much better after reading your comment, I was in a Bad way to day, Valentines day here In Australia tomorrow so I wanted to take her out to dinner of course, She was busy with her Price Charming and going away for the Weekend even though she could have had dinner and gone the next day gave her a Card, and  Red Rose and she was almost about to give me a Cuddle and then had second thoughts as i was in tears when I gave it to her.

Anyhow once ahe had left I was in a bad way and wrote a letter telling her to go and leave and Leave my house I want her out, I will look after the children she can go and live with him. I have had enough of my Heart broken and she d enough tears.

So reading your Letter/Responses showed that I am heading in the right direction and they really made me feel the bet I have felt all day.

I hope I am posting this right, I am not  a wize at this stuff. Thanks Guys any more advise welcomed

[Gary]

Laurie,
I know that you are in pain but you can't talk her out of this.
You did good telling her to go. That will shock her because up til now she thinks she has you where she wants you. She will be pissed too because she's not getting her own way any longer but that's ok. The ride will be rough for a long time so hang on. You are beginning to take some control back and she wont like it but you will start to get more respect.
Remember, you are starting to man up so don't backslide
Cool, confident and in control is the way to act

As our great mentor Bystander will tell you fake it til you make it.

Stay strong and when you feel like you are weakening and about to do something stupid then post here and one of the vets will straighten you out with a 2x4 to the head

[crushed]

Laurie, 

No-one here wanted to but we learned about MLC through experience - heartbrake that is.  When the MLCer is in the throws of infatuation with POSOM there is nothing that you can say or do to make her come back to you.  You need to remove her from your life - and when you do so she will sense that she is losing control of you - and then comes the hostility, projection, etc.  But you need to detach from her.  You deserve far better than to have your wife cheating on you, sleeping with someone else and then vacationing with him.  Show yourself some self respect, give your wife the respect she deserves (which isn't much) and take charge of your life by removing your wife from it.

Crushed