Help Wife filed for divorce and in MLC

[Bambam]

My wife is going through a MLC and has filed for divorce last week.  I hired a lawyer but not sure how to act or say to my wife at this time.  Is there anything I can do to wake her up?  What do I do?  She’s not seeing anyone else but is extremely controlling and doing things that’s hurting the kids as well.  Any suggestions???

[pghobbsx]

bambam,
sorry to see you here. but never forget you are among fellow LBS's here.
first thing is you are not going to wake her up. it will happen in time, but you CANNOT do it.
second, tell her if she wants a divorce, you are sorry she feels that way but if this is what you want i am ready to give it to you.
third thing is MLC is nothing more than depression. she is depressed about what she sees as her life passing her by. you have become the anchor to her ship.
just read as much as you can on here and you will see how much the stories are similar. it is an epidemic in our society today. MLC is an epidemic and also an event. with a starting and stopping.
you are now the mom and dad for kids. she is not thinking of anything except herself.
detach and indifference. remember those 2 words. DETACH AND INDIFFERENCE. that is your life right now.
it is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. but you need to do it. there is nothing on God's green earth you can do for her. it is her journey and you need to let her go......

pghobbsx
True love goes beyond logic and reason.

[walterny]

Assume she is the enemy at this point. Don't give into her. Set limits for her. Make it clear you will not tolerate her behavior. She is not going to "wake up". She spent her life thinking the world has controlled her and now she believes she is going to "wake up" and take care of herself. True or not, you are now not her love. If she filed, you must now protect yourself and your children. Those children now need a stable parent. You are it. Take care of yourslef. You are about to go through a terrible time. The worst of your life. You may stop eating for days. You may get severely depressed. If you can, start seeing a psychotherapist NOW!!! You need to get yourself out of this storm as soon as you can. Use this site for all questions and to simply express your feelings. We all have gone through this and no one will shame you for feeling sad, depressed, or scared. You have a great group of men and women here that will help. But right now change your course. She has filed. She is not coming back at this juncture. Protect yourslef and please make sure whatever you do, that you protect those kids best interest.

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

Bambam,

You've come to a great place. Keep talking to us. It will get ALOT worse but we are here to help you. It is nothing you did, this is strictly abour her and her issues. Read Christine's book. Don't take the blame for her issues. We have all been where you are it, some further along than others but these women are remarkably similiar.
Keep in touch

[Gary]

Bambam,

Sorry you have to join us.

Ditto what the guys said. It's the start of a terrible rollercoaster ride so hang on. BUT, it can be made a little easier if you follow the advice the guys and Bystander give you here. I'll tell you the truth, you are going to hear a lot of suggestions and advice that you wont like but please take it. It is given with your best interests at heart and to try and save you more pain. All of us here have been through the ringer and know what you are going through.
You will be told over and over, you can only control yourself so don't waste your time on her. You cannot force her to do anything. It is futile so don't even try. Concentrate on yourself and the children. LET HER GO!

Read the Tools and Perspectives thread.

Keep posting and listening. There are no better people to help you get through this.

Good luck

[Bambam]

Thanks all.  I can’t believe how much she has changed and it came on like a light switch.  She’s not treating the kid’s right either. 

She wants the house but can’t afford a car or furniture.  I just don’t understand what she’s doing. 

Does anyone know if she will snap out of this MLC when she figures out what she wont have? 

[walterny]

Probably not. But right now, that is not what you should be worrying about. The sun will always come out after a storm, but right now you have to prepare as the storm is coming and it will be like a storm you've never imagined. We have been there so know what you are going to go though. Sad that she is doing this to you, her kids, and herself, but she is. Don't fight it as hard as it sounds. Take care of what you can control. Number one thing you can NOT is her. Most tkae years going through an adolescent age, just as they did as a teen, not seeing what they are doing or who they are hurting. Let her go for now. Worry about those kids. Do whatever you have to to protect their interests.

[angel]

Does anyone know if she will snap out of this MLC when she figures out what she wont have? 

Bambam,

I'm very sorry you are here, but at least you are in the right spot.


To answer your question:  MLC is a life-altering event.  The MLCer does not think with a rational, logical mind.  They are in many ways insane. 

SHE IS NOT GOING TO "SNAP" OUT OF MLC.  PERIOD.  Please understand that. MLC lasts 2 to 5 YEARS (or longer)!!

Start making moves to minimize your financial exposure and emotional damage. Be there for your kids.

Time to throw away your thinking cap and trying to figure her out...it is a complete waste of time. 

[Bystander]

The desire to UNDERSTAND is a powerful one ... and one that is COMPLETELY useless when it comes to MLC.

My brother said to me this morning (just after church), "I don't understand how she could do this."

MLC is a form of mental illness. You can't UNDERSTAND it. You can only COPE with it.
She will do ANYTHING she can to try and FEEL BETTER, even if it is completely DESTRUCTIVE.
Such is the nature of the beast.

You cannot try to understand the irrational. So STOP TRYING!

I will repeat again:
YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU.

Look at your life at this moment and figure out what YOU can do. To help yourself survive. To help your kids survive.

SHE is not something you can do anything about.
She will only change when SHE is ready to change.
The sooner you realize that, the better. 

[crushed]

Bystander,

What a blessing you are to your brother - I would like to adopt you as my "sister".

Crushed

[Gary]

Bystander,

What a blessing you are to your brother - I would like to adopt you as my "sister".

Crushed

Dead right Crushed. She has a lot of grateful brothers on here!

It's so unusual to find someone who actually understands who isn't literally living it. My family sympathises but really have no clue what this is all about. What people think about when they hear the term midlife crisis really doesn't tell the story does it

[Bystander]

LOL! You are all my "brothers." 

[simracer88]

LOL! You are all my "brothers." 

My sister gives me a 100.00 every birthday wanna one up her SIS??
  Do i hear 200.00......lol
  Only joking with Bystander You are a godsend.

[Bambam]

Thanks All!!!  I'm going forward as hard as it is.  Just can't believe this is happening.
I will move forward and be a better person for what I have experianced.