2 years 3 months.... finally a change in attitude by the alien

[pghobbsx]

guys,
i agree with bystander. someday we will all receive some kind of aknowledgement. they may do it just to satisfy their own peace of mind and not for us at all. but it will come. i am a little over 3 yrs and nothing more then anger and hatred toward me still. 70% of all divorced people regret not trying harder to save the marriage. 7 out of 10 is a lot. so all i can say is the percentages are in our favor to receive some kind of apology. but i did not let that keep me from moving on. i have and i will not look back. it was good for 27 yrs and i am leaving it at that.
my XMIL was mommy dearest for all the time i knew her. then when she was told she has a month to live, she became mother teresa. it is called a conscience. we all have one. all our X's have one.
and if my XMIL can find one, anyone can. it is only a matter of time.

pghobbsx
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us

[trying222]

Thanks bb - I would guess if it ever happened for me I would just tell her not to be ridiculous.  The past is the past - let's leave it there.  But you are likely right.  Someday she may want to say something about the way she treated me as she ran into the arms of her guy.  It was pretty cruel - other than that - boy, I just don't know.


I will likely see the old girl and her fiance on saturday evening.  Is it wrong that I cannot wait for BOTH of them to see the amazing 40 year old that will be on my arm that night? (and that of course is not why I am seeing this gal, I just figure it could be one of the fringe benefits!?)

It is probably good that we get these thoughts out in the open - it helps to close a few more doors.  Most of us old timers need to keep doing that.  I call it - Learn - Accept - Close.  When I avoid news of my ex that hurts, it only hurts me longer.  The sooner I know, and accept, the better my life has become.

My next one will be when my daughters leave in May for the destination wedding of their mother.  I wonder if the ex will take his last name?  That will be strange.  She has had my name since 1985 - longer than her maiden.  Wow - times change!   

t22

[chono3]

T222 - You'll get something out of this. No doubt. What shape or form its in when it arrives, one can only guess. The question is to what end? What will it mean? You already know the value of what was lost. You already know that she was wrong in the destruction of your marriage and your family. You already know that you are a great guy who didn't deserve this.

So if you order pie and all you get served is the crust, what is it worth? When my Ex came clean for a short period of time, it felt good.
However, that good feeling was short lived. The fact will always remain that what was will never be again. We hear that time and time again even from those in reconciliation.

So what we end up with is either reconciliation or an overture that mends a damaged ego. A damaged ego is something we can repair on our own with work and time. If enough time passes there is very little our Exs can offer us that has any real value IMO.

[Brixy]

When you have young kids and co-parent w/ your ex it's almost impossible not to have frequent contact w/ them.  In general, we try to discuss matters that pertain to the kids but every so often she'll start crying on me.

I really have trouble dealing w/ that, b/c despite what happened between us my natural instincts would be to console her. I never do that though, b/c when you're divorced you have to have some boundaries in place, especially if you're in a serious relationship with someone else. It's pretty disrespectful to your girfriend to have an intimate conversation w/ your ex--at least I think so. 

Consequently, I'm left saying things like you can't change the past, there's no point dwelling on it, you should focus on your future. Yep, I got the apology but it was too late. 

[angel]

If enough time passes there is very little our Exs can offer us that has any real value IMO.

I see your point...but when you have young kids, it takes on a new dimension.

What my X has to offer me, if and when she truly "finds herself" our of this mess, is my three girls back.  And ditto for her.  A reunited family. No more bouncing kids around and financial hardship. 

Maybe I'm unrealistic in that, but that's how I see it during this snapshot in time, right now.  I'm only a year into when I got the speech.  I haven't dated yet, nor am I ready to emotionally or financially (I can barely feed the mouths I have).  My perspective may change drastically if and when there is another saner, younger, smarter, and hotter woman in my life.

I personally don't know of any couple that got divorced and remarried each other.  I do know a lot that got divorced, and have stayed divorced--and there's probably very good reasons for that. 

[chono3]

I definitely understand and agree that IF they come completely out that they have something to offer if children are involved. However, kids aren't stupid and they know when things are fouled up so unless it is all good then it becomes a charade with continuing dysfunction.

That does nothing for anyone. When I speak, I do so merely from my orientation and certainly understand that all our situations are different for various reasons. I'm not anti reconciliation by any means. It is just in my situation it would be an arduous uphill climb for which I have no motivation or energy at this point.

I'm involved with a woman now and we have a great deal of common interest and enjoy eachothers company. Simply spending the afternoon walking hand in hand in a park, talking, is great fun. No drama, no pressure, no bullshit. I think I used up my drama patience for a lifetime, during the MLC episode. If I even smell it, I go the other direction.

[angel]

It is just in my situation it would be an arduous uphill climb for which I have no motivation or energy at this point.

And in my situation, it would be an arduous, tedious, excruciating uphill battle too.

For me, the M is already demolished.  A stinky, nasty 55 gallon drum of toxic waste that was disposed of...and some nice chemical burns to go with it.

In order for her to ever move back in again, we would have to be remarried.  No cohabitation...no "well let's see if we can make this work" bs.  No commonlaw bs.  Complete counseling.  A religious retreat for couples.  Forgiveness. A dating period.  An engagement. A simple private wedding.  A honeymoon.  The whole 9 yards or nothing.  Just like starting from scratch, except there's that little MLC thingy...

Oh yea, and a rock solid prenup.

So I can see why very few every get remarried to the same spouse.

[paulsc1]

Why is it everyone elses Xs are being horrible hoovering nasty bitches and mine is not? Or is mine hoovering well under my radar?

Mine has praised me from day one as being the greatest dad and a fantastic husband! Not one complaint, not one criticism just the ILYBNILWYAM statement that hasnt been mentioned since the few weeks after I found out about the affair!

But the plain and simple truth is she did untold damage to the M and to the friendship, she is addicted to the OM, she left the family and more importantly - the kids, the damage (although she is being nice (( I use that word very loosly)) she is still hellbent on destruction) is just so far from any kind of repair for me, our kids, our friends and our family, that she gave up on recon a long time ago and now I have been given time to give up as well!

So whilst she is nice to me and sings my praises she is still living with the OM is still a divorced woman with absolutely no fall back option physically or financially and is every day distancing herself from her family and her KIDS! A year sure does does change things though! I'm seeing my X faltering, I can see from a distance the cracks in her relationship with the OM faultering, i can see her life looking like a whole lot worse than it was.

Me! I have let go, I have forgiven, I have accepted ---- still dont understand, but what is there left to understand? Let it go and help the kids to do the same! That is the hard part - the kids dont understand - they look like they do but they dont and the anger comes out in all the wrong places.  Thats were you need to focus and when you do you realise that its not about the wife that she was, its about the mum that she was - and isnt anymore! As the kids navigate towards me more and more and away from her you start to find your path and off in the distance you can see the cliff your X is going to walk blindly off! She's already walked into the desert and got totally effing lost and confused, you cant rescue her and you cant stop her walking off the cliff - shes going to do it! Be there to help when she splats on the floor if you want but i'd rather not be! She still has another desert to get accross before she can even start to find herself - let her do it and just hope she finds her way! Only then will you be of any importance! Wait if you want but I would suggest not! Divorced couples do get back together - several years latter! But only if the both of you havnt burnt too many bridges! Let her go and let
those bridges remain in tact! Hard to do but let her go and get on with your life!

If at any time she changes her attitude then let her do that as well, watch her and wait for her to bring what you want! But be sure to be in a place where you know what you want as well! The place I am getting towards is a place where I just dont care if she pops her head out! Theres just too many options going forward for me than there are in going backwards, for all of us! The boys and I will be fine - she has to go backwards to go forwards though and that is not a nice thought - not at all good - especially if you have to do it on your own!

[walterny]

"So whilst she is nice to me and sings my praises she is still living with the OM is still a divorced woman with absolutely no fall back option physically or financially and is every day distancing herself from her family and her KIDS!"

So she is being nice to you? Still living with the OM? That's nice.  And is every day distancing herself from her family and her KIDS? Yea, as long as she is nice to you, I guess you can overlook the fact that she's a piece of shit.

Hitler was a very nice guy too. He loved his friends. Loved animals. Had a dog named Fuschl, who was trained to run up and down ladders. Sure he was killing anyone he could. But he was nice.

[paulsc1]

Cant overlook it at all! It is just what it is - which made it hard to detach! Her being nice could have kept me hooked and hoping for years! Instead I didnt just detach - i let go! I forgave --- for me --- and accepted! Once I did that it was an easy transition, not every day, nor every week, but in general I made that shift and whilst at times i wished she was the bitch from hell towards me - she wasnt! I concluded that all the problems were with her and that she recognised it but didnt or couldnt admit it, nor do anything about it! At the end of the day the way she behaves is not important - what is important is the way I behave, the way I move away and how i help my boys follow me down that route.

The Hitler analagy I like btw! that was funny! That " he was nice" has been the subject of far too many late night debates/WOTT arguments amongst my far too argumentative friends!

[walterny]

"At the end of the day the way she behaves is not important - what is important is the way I behave, the way I move away and how i help my boys follow me down that route."

We should all tattoo this on our arm. Great words.

[trying222]

paul - mine never hoovered.  just some emails that got too conversational, and I ignored that part of them and she got the message.  She will never have the ability to say we had a great break up - and are great friends.  When i get asked, I say, "we never speak" - and people look at me very strangely, but i'm not going to lie.

yes it does make it easier.  Consider - she has never been in the home I share with her daughters.  Believe me - no one blames me for this - they have seen her transformation, tattoo, engagement to a guy with tattoos and earings in a rock band.  But they want the best for her.  She has become a bit of a symbol of MLC with her tattoo and new guy at age 45.  And trust me - she is not stupid.  She knows what everyone thinks.  She just doesn't care.

But it is good to keep closing the doors on the past.

A gal tonight told me that moving on is like being at one end of a swimming pool, hanging on to the wall.  If you let go, and swim to the other side, that's it.  You have left that side of the pool behind.  But as long as you hang on - you have to stay where you are.

I think we can be good guys, friendly, wish the old girls the best, and raise our kids, after we let go and swim to the other side.

Swim baby!  Swim!

T22

[chono3]

Swim baby!  Swim!

T22

Yeah.....because that IS Jaws behind you

[Hurtman]

Jaws....with SHARK EYES!!

[simracer88]

Hell even jaws is no match for a MLC'r in full bloom.
They should create a special state for these people and migrate all of them to it, Land of the twisted!