Bystander's Words of Wisdom

[pexio]

I think this pretty much sums it up:

So you could be an example for the new guys on what not to do?   

My brother had the same strategy as yours early on, JoeP. But, as we all know, appeasement doesn't work.

Here's the moral of the story for the new guys:
If your MLCer won't choose THE MARRIAGE, then get the divorce done AS SOON AS YOU CAN.
NOTHING is gained through delay. The divorce will just cost you more (and the EMOTIONAL cost to you will be even higher than the financial cost.)

[pexio]

Please give me some direction

You asked for HELP (for "direction") because your life right now is painful.

Many guys ... who have been EXACTLY where you are ... gave you hard-won, blood/sweat/tears guidance on exactly HOW to extract yourself from this torture and begin to SURVIVE your wife's midlife experience, instead of just EXPERIENCING it.

Your response (like so many -- you're not the only one) ... is to talk about how YOUR case is DIFFERENT.
(My case is different because I almost DIED three years ago and she told me to go to a hospital. My case is different because my wife may or may not have spread her legs to a kid half her age... she may have just been KIDDING about doing him or thinking about doing him.)

WE ARE NOT TRYING TO DESTROY YOUR WIFE ... we are trying to SAVE your life.

Pexio has said this OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN: In order to SAVE your marriage, you must be WILLING to destroy it.

You're not being MEAN when you ask her to choose YOU/THE MARRIAGE over strangers/pondscum/OMs.
YOU ARE FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, not AGAINST IT or HER!!!

I agree with you: WHO YOUR WIFE IS RIGHT NOW is NOT who she WAS.

So let's say she had CANCER instead of a MIDLIFE CRISIS.
If the doctor tells you, we need to DESTROY those cancerous cells with chemotherapy (but, in the meantime, we are probably going to also kill some nice normal, healthy cells), would you say, "NO ... I cannot let you HARM my wife with your treatment, even though it might (VERY LIKELY WILL ) save her life?"

You'd say, "Doctor, do whatever you need to do to save my wife's life."

That's EXACTLY what we are saying to you right now, sosad.
We are saying that you have to KILL her desire to continue to pursue Other Men in order to SAVE your marriage.

Just like with chemo, there is a risk. There's a risk that the chemo could weaken the patient and kill her ... or that the chemo might not work at all, and the cancer will spread, and she will die.

The same with anti-MLC therapy. There is a risk that you asking her to CHOOSE will cause her to leave the marriage. Pursue more OMs. But you don't seem to realize that THOSE THINGS ARE ALREADY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!

Oh, and by the way: Asking her to choose (and then not FOLLOWING THROUGH with detachment, divorce, self-improvement) are like getting diagnosed with cancer, starting chemo, and then continuing to smoke.

I get that your wife is SICK ... but you are WITHHOLDING the treatment that is the ONLY defense that has shown ANY kind of impact. When there is an OM (even the THOUGHT of one, given her past indiscretions), the ONLY thing you can do is detach, set your boundaries, and move forward as if she WILL NOT be a part of your life in the future.

STOP TRYING TO FIX HER and STOP trying to influence your mutual friends.
I don't usually advocate taking the high road (by all means, you should tell the truth when you are asked about it), but you're wasting your TIME & ENERGY if you think building a website to expose all of this is going to help ANYTHING. It's not. It won't even make you FEEL BETTER, because you'll have to be exposed to all that crap again in order to post it.

Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.
Just let it go.   

[pexio]

June 25, 09:

  That's what I'm here for -- to be an OBJECTIVE BYSTANDER to remind you of REALITY.
It's easy to get caught up in what the MLC woman SAYS ... but you have to look at their ACTIONS.

She says she was unhappy for the past

• years. Really? Then why did you have more kids with him? Why did it take a third party before you decided to file for divorce? Is getting a tattoo and going out with your friends bar-hopping 'til all hours of the night the solution? Didn't think so.

Look, I had a very interesting conversation with my brother tonight. He was remembering milestones in this whole journey. One was the weeks just after his wife served him with the divorce papers (which was completely unexpected from his perspective -- she had committed to "working on the relationship" the day before, in a joint MC session ... even though she knew she had spent the day at her lawyer's office getting the papers together (the B!tch).    I digress...

The first few days he ha his apartment, he couldn't stand to be there alone for long stretches of time. It was too quiet. (No wonder, coming from a house with five kids.) So he came over to our house. A lot. I didn't mind at all (it tested my husband's patience a bit.  ) But SLOWLY, he was able to adapt. And now, even though we talk every day, I might go days without seeing him. And I no longer wonder if I'll find him in his garage with the car motor running.    Which is a huge relief.

We also talked about some of the incredible things he's been able to do because he's not with my SIL anymore. There are some things he's done over the last year that are truly once-in-a-lifetime types of events ... and my SIL would have been bitching about every single one of them. Because she honestly resented the fact that he had something he loved (his hobby that turned into his dream job) as much as he loved her. I think it's STILL bugging her that he's such a rock star at his job ... but too bad, so sad lady.

So LOOK for those opportunities for YOU to fulfill your dreeams. MAKE new memories. Don't dwell in the past. And KNOW that although it might be hard to even BREATHE today because of all the crap you're going through, it WILL get better. I promise.

Life still sucks in some ways for my brother (see other posts about SIL dragging him to court to keep her fill of drama ...) but this marriage eventually WILL end ... and my brother will have these incredible moments to reflect on ... while she will just have anger, bitterness ... and, eventually ... regret.

So that's why I get out my 2x4 every once in a while -- not to be MEAN, but to REMIND YOU that this wasn't YOUR FAULT. She had LOTS of other options besides falling for an OM or simply "falling out of love with you" (although I don't believe that happens without even the "hope" of someone else.)

This is NOT your fault ... but what happens NEXT is your choice. I will continue to get on your case if you refuse to see the GIFT you have been given to reinvent YOUR LIFE the way it WILL BE now ... you can CHOOSE to live in the past and focus on your regrets, or you can keep putting one foot in front of another until you don't have to THINK about your next step.

We're here to take that walk WITH YOU. 

[pexio]

July 15, 09:

Couple of things:

vandradams: Don't be a doormat. Too bad she doesn't have satellite. Nice of you to fix it for her (NOT!). APPEASEMENT DOES NOT WORK. Her cable/satellite service isn't getting paid for? LET HER FIGURE IT OUT HERSELF!

WHY are you glad you sent the message? I can tell you why:
PIG WRESTLING.

You LIKE contact with her, even if it's hurtful to you. Wrestling with a pig is unproductive: You'll get dirty, and the pig likes it.

That's why NO CONTACT (when you do it for YOU, not as a way to "get back at her" or "to save my relationships") works ... because it takes away some of HER control. If you respond to messages at all, WAIT a while. Let her calls go to voice mail. Wait at last 4 hours to respond to a text message (unless it's an emergency). E-mails, wait 24 hours.

If she sends crap, send back: "Please do not contact me unless it concerns the kids" (or the house sale ...    ) If she makes insulting comments (i.e. "crule") -- do NOT respond ... or ONLY respond to the "business" part of the message.

"Save the drama for your mama." She WANTS conflict with you ... it further JUSTIFIES what she's doing. ("See, all we do is argue now!")

Finally, I have an answer for you, feelingmn.

An acquaintance of mine is in his early 40s, never married. Serious self-esteem issues of his own, plus family issues. I'm helping him with his job search, and he joked about needing to find a wife next.  And then he wrote, "Preferably not one still married."

To which I replied, "YES, PLEASE DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH MARRIED WOMEN."
(Thinking he was referencing my SIL and her POS-OM, a mutual acquaintance).

And he wrote back: "It wasn't my fault (ok yes it was) but when she throws herself at your, what do you do?"

And that reminded me of a couple of things:

1) Your W has already DONE the detaching thing -- she is no longer "attached" to you, so when she puts herself out there, it's likely with the story, "Well, we haven't been happy for a long time. We're more like brother and sister, you know. We've just grown apart." (So she POSITIONS herself as already single -- and the guy probably won't probe too deep into this, at least not initially.).

2) She's going to play "helpless" (damsel in distress). "I've just been so UNHAPPY! I don't feel LOVED. He doesn't even pay ATTENTION to me. He just cares about (insert 'x')." (So she sets herself up to get attention from a guy who likely has self-esteem issues of his own -- so he feels like he is HELPING her.)

So remember, guys, these OMs are a piece of work ... but your W opened the door/window and is selling the story. (It's a lie ... and a relationship based on a lie ... but she's selling it anyway.)

I will go take my 2x4 and hit my acquaintance over the head now ...