Deserving Better

[limbo]

My story is quite lengthy which will post another time. In the meantime my W has said on numerous times that she beleives I deserve someone better and doesn't know why I am still there. I received the speech in Feb this year but had it brought up in converstaion Nov the previous year. Have tried to follow the MLC self help tools to the letter, sometimes have gone off track but am still in the house (where I'm not going anywhere) with the children (6 and 15). She has not been wearing her rings for a month now and just says she doesn't feel married. There has been no kisses, nothing for over a month as well. But all the W keeps saying is that she has told me how she feels and I chose to ignore it and that I deserve someone better who will treat me nicer and who can love me. Without letting too much on about my sitch can anyone explain what this means???Is she trying to push me out the house?

[jacksondad]

I hate to be the first to tell you, but if she's not loving you or touching you, there's someone else getting her attention. I know  it's a tough pill to swallow but in almost every sitch on this sight, that has proven to be the case.  I really wish you luck, it gets worse before it gets better and you've just begun. 

[classic]

My gut feeling is that is code for "I am feeling guilty about cheating on you and if you moved on it would let me off the hook". She will no doubt deny there is someone else. I would counter that if there isn't then why don't we work at putting our marriage back on the tracks.
 Read the multiple stories we all got caught off guard and the more trusting we were the more we were in shock. Read "Private Lies" by Pitman. If I could do it all again I wouldn't let up until she admitted there was someone else. Mine used to say I will walk out if you keep it up. I should  have kept it up....
  Post your sitch, there is always a pattern. Listen to the advice, read all you can. The best advice is to detach and work on yourself.

[Bigdaddy4x4]

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!!!
My x told me i deserve someone better to
Do not leave your children, they need you more than ever now
and you need them...
Hang in there ... this is her.. NOT you
Best Wishes
  BD

[limbo]

There was an EA going on with OM which has been going on for 6 years on and off. About 3 years ago the W cheated on me with him - it all came out and we decided to have a go at it again. Since then I found that the EA has been going on for sometime with texts which again found out a month ago in which case since then the contact has stopped (I know this as a fact). All the time she claimed to be just friends with him and knew it would go no further. I ended up calling him and we had you could say an interesting chat on what his thoughts were about it all. So my current predicament is I know she still has some feelings for him but also know with her not having any contact with him for now that there maybe some chance working on us. I believe she knows she has done wrong by us and hence thinks I deserve a better person to be with. We also get along like best friends and don't argue at all, that is the strange part, she just can't provide any intimacy...

[Faithful Father]

Ditto on all the previous posts.  This will be hard to read, and I hated this forum for a month of so, because I was in denial.

I'd bet my house that there's an OM.  She wants you to "move on" because she already has, but feels guilt and shame about her new double life.  This is par for the course, really. I've got the same exact speech, multiple times.  And it will get worse, she will become nasty.  Right now, her guilt is pushing her to be quasi nice.  But as you don't act in accordance to her fantasy, she'll get more and more frustrated/angry. 

It might be time to start gathering data...  Document all that you can, with eyes wide open.

If it's a romantic affair, it's pretty much game over until the affair runs it's course.  And who knows how long that will be.  Dont wait around for it!!! There's a lot of talk about "shock and awe" on this site...  But in my case, she was already long gone.  No way can real life compete with a fantasy...

The wife you knew is dead.  Sorry bro...but if your case is anything like ours...then the woman you knew is gone.

[daniel]

Hate to say it also but, it's the classic ILYBINILWY speach. She wants you to accept this fact so she has no guilt about what she is doing. Best thing to do is dig in deep. Get your "own house" in order like Faithful Husband says.  Suggest she may be right, "yeah, I probably do deserve better, why don't you pack you bags and move out for a while honey?" I'll be fine here with the kids.. you go live the life your missing and we will be fine...
I can tell you what not to do, DON'T leave the house, DON'T leave the master bedroom, tell her to live in the basement is she wants to stay,.. You need to act as if this creature that was your wife is now just a house guest. Take advantage of anything she may do around the house like cook or clean but don't expect it. Your children need a "sane" parent through this. As tough as it is, As angry as you may become, you need to be a rock with them. I can only speak from what I am going through right now. I'm the Rock, I'm in the house, she booked, they see it, they trust me and depend on me, not her.. and my kids are still pre teens...
keep reading here, accept it, get over the "yeah, but my situation is different then these guys" I'm trully sorry dude, I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is what it is and it ain't going to get better..
Dan

[limbo]

Thanks guys for all your advice. There is no-way I am going to leave the house or the master bedroom. She was sleeping on the couch 2 weeks ago for a week when the new texting came out in the open but has since come back to the bedroom. There is no other room for her to sleep in the house so the next step would be out the door. There is also nowhere for her to go as she cannot afford to rent a house by herself. Right now we are in the situation where she does not want to appear married (i.e. rings) but would still like the benifits of being married. She has told me how she feels about me (all the same stuff as posted on this forum) and thinks I chose to ignore it. Little does she know that I am only chosing to ignore it to protect the family. The weirdest thing is that she says this but then talks about what we are going to do at Christmas or what the next thing to buy for the house is? But that being said the last four weeks have been hell and am now at the point of asking if she is in or out with the R. With absolutely no intimacy it is breaking me as she goes on as if the home life I have provided is granted. The other point is that we get along really well and are great friends, but nothing more at the moment. I have kept it all together for the children but I can only take so much if she will not commit to working on our R. I also have control of all the finances and would have anough evidence of what occurred in the past to blow it all open which she knows. Right now I believe her head is trully screwed and have in the past 6 months tried to understand it but nothing I say or do will change it. I know and have been working on myself but having a split personallity living in my own house which makes it difficult. I do know I can't keep living like this forever and she is waiting for me to either leave the house or do something to give her a reason to boot me out.

[Faithful Father]

Yeah--time to become Don Corleone.  Make sure you have 100% comtrol of the money; she only has access to that which you are prepared to lose. Dump all joint credit card accounts. If there's a debit card, make it such that over-drafting is impossible. Make your direct deposit yours alone.  Create a new account if you have to. 

Do not move out of the bedroom. I did--because she theate Ed my property if I didn't. So I caved--this was before I knew what I was dealing with.  Fortunately, it turned out to be a quasi-positive... As it allows me better data collection, and the tv

Prepare your case...  Document her (current) affair. Smile, be cordial, but take no prisoners...  She's not thinking right now...so this is your chance to get 3 steps ahead.  And if you want to go thermo-nuclear, it has to be soon. Still not sure I believe on it 100%, but it's no worse than any other option. Draw your boundaries and do not give in--unless it is to your strategic benefit...

[pexio]

Welcome limbo.  Does your W know that YOU know about the texting back and forth?  Did you make no contact with the OM a condition of a continued relationship for the two of you (OM=No Marriage) or did she stop because the OM dumped her perhaps?  In any case, it sounds like your OM addict wife is going through the withdrawal of her drug and the pain, guilt, grief, etc. that an addict experiences in withdrawal is likely the cause of the "you deserve better" talk.

Is your W open to counseling, specifically IC (too soon for MC, I'd say)?  She should also see her doc about getting on some anti-depressants.  You've got to treat the OM addiction before any progress can be made in your relationship.  And follow the advice above about protecting yourself and your kids.  Good luck bro.

[Doc Martin]

Your situation is almost identical to what mine was and this actually does seem to be working out for us -for now at least.

I agree with the others that she is having a relationship or thoughts of one with an OM however if you are lucky ( as I was) this may just be a 'fantasy' EA with an OM who may not have any real feeling towards her and may not realise how frighteningly intense her feeling towards him are- my wifes was more like an adolescent crush than an adult relationship.

The 'deserve someone better' IS partly guilt avoidance and trying to make life easy by persuading you to be the 'bad guy' and end your marriage but she probably does also feel bad about the way that she is treating you. At the moment she is probably full of shame and confusion for feeling like this ( although that may not last so its important to take advantage of it quickly)   - my wife as she started to come out the other side said 'the only person I hate is myself for feeling like this'

My advice for what its worth is 1) Push her gently about a possible EA 'I am not saying you are having an affair but it would be easier for me to understand if I thought you had developed feelings towards someone else' 2) Give her space and sympathy 'it must be very hard for you feeling like this' Do not pursue /wheep/cajole,  allow her to sleep in a separate bed for a while if this removes some of the pressure from her, make it clear that you are sad but prepared to let her go and ready to carry on with your life without her if neccessary ' I want you  to be happy even if it involves life without me, but are you sure that you want to give up what you have now because you will have to if we go down this path' 3) protect your finances, make it clear that you are seeing a solicitor, closing down joint accounts and cards and getting ready for life without her 4) Develop your own circle of friends, continue and expand outside activities, be fun and interesting, let her see that she is losing something valuable if she loses you and that your happiness is not dependent on her even though you dont want her to go 5) be alert for any evidence of a PA- fortunately I didnt have to deal with this but if I had she would have been out the door immediately and this was made explicit 'I dont own you and I cant stop you from sleeping with other men  but if you do I could never forgive you and that would be the end of our marriage'

[jacksondad]

I got the same bullshit as you, and no matter how much I denied it, there was someone else.  You can chose to be second best, or you can act like you got a pair and put an end to it now!. Draw the line and NEVER back down, tell her it's them or you, and you wont be there for her if she choses the other.

[angel]

The weirdest thing is that she says this but then talks about what we are going to do at Christmas or what the next thing to buy for the house is?

This is emotional terrorism...it sets up expectations in your head about the future or about your current state.  In the context of your situation, it is complete bullshit.

Emotional terrorism has many faces, and in this case, it isn't in the form of outright evil behavior.  This is more subtle--recognize it for what it is. 

[limbo]

Thank-you for all the comments. It seems yesterday that she contacted the OM via text which I am aware of. This would be the first time since 3 weeks ago. You are correct in that the OM is a drug which she cannot withdraw from. I understand from the OM (don't know whether to believe this) is that she is the one doing the contacting and he is just going along with it as they are mates. I know is is also good at talking bulls*it. He has told both me and the W that he has a fiance and young child which he doesn't want to ruin. He did say he was going to break it off for a while (this was about 3 weeks ago) until my W can get her head sorted out. Obviously this didn't last long. I will see what eventuates today. Over the past few weeks I saw obvious withdraw symptons from her. She has been on antidepressants some time ago and right now thinks her head is fine and she doesn't need them. I have tried so many times to advise her that she is going to lose it all for the OM or what she thinks she has with him but she just states that they are just friends and that nothing will ever happen. I also know that she doesn't believe him with his family or she just chooses to ignore it. All the W knows is that I thought she had been txting the OM and this was confirmed when I called him. If this keeps going over the next few days I will be laying it again on the line to say that it is me of him. I also know that she will just not leave the house even if I kick her out but am also at the point where I don't want her home until she makes some kind of commitment to us. It is just getting too hard to be living in the same house as her with what she is doing. I also don't understand how she can go on sleeping in the same bed (on the edge that is) and going on caring for the family when she beleives there is feelings for me???

[pexio]

So is this the same OM that your W has been having an EA with "on-and-off" over the last 6 years.  And what does "cheated" on 3 years ago mean?  PA?  Does your W know that you know this texting is going on?

You probably know what I'm gonna say, right?  You're going to wait "over the next few days" to see if it keeps going?  Of course, it's going to keep going.  Your W is hooked and a few days isn't going to amount to a hill of beans.  And don't try to "understand" her.  We've all tried and failed.  Your W is nucking futs plain and simple.

Brother, stop talking to the OM and start demanding that your wife make a choice.  Otherwise your PP moniker will be very appropriate.