Deserving Better

[Faithful Father]

I'm still not 100% sold on the "shock and awe" strategy, bit in your case...maybe?  She needs to crap or get off the pot.

[JoeP88]

right. she's gotta get off the fence...and bro, she's right in the sense that you deserve better.

this is no way for you to live. I'd start settings charges, my friend.

Bigdaddy4x4 is right. dont leave your home. She knows where the door is.

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

Limbo,

I read your opening paragraph on this topic and I knew instantly an OM is in the picture. It's amazing how a veteran status makes you understand how full of bull shit these woman are. Her baloney about "you deserve better" is her excuse to get out of the marriage. Take all the advice you receive on this site. I don't need to go over them but just understand one thing, they are fantastic LIARS and they don't stop! My kids all know it now also. Do whatever you need to protect yourself and the kids but DO NOT TAKE HER WORD. LLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[Faithful Father]

LLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

So is this how you really feel?

*chuckles*

[limbo]

Thanks. I understand all this but the next step is a difficult one. I just need to know whether she is in or out of the R. If out then she needs to pack her bags and won't get any benifits from what a R brings if that's what her decision is. Right now she knows what she is doing to me and I have no doubt that she will choose to keep in contact with the OM over me. We are having a chat to openly go through all this tonight. I will try and stay calm for the sake of getting this resolved - one way or another. Will keep you all posted.

[JoeP88]

be Corleone, be Sinatra. dont appease. be calm cool and collective. it freaks them out.

is she IN or is she OUT?  is she on YOUR team or the opposing team?

no shades of gray.

[Faithful Father]

Right now she knows what she is doing to me ...

They all do... and (at least mine) doesn't care.  At all.  Not a single bit. 

I've lost 35 pounds.  She thinks she did me a favor.  (!)

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

The art of No Reaction. It kills them! I learned it so well. I can remember the countless times she tried to bait me. I remember one time she came home and I was doing the laundry. She attacked me verbally like nothing else. Gave her a smile and said "I'd love to continue this conversation when I finish the laundry". She went ballistic, no reaction. It KILLS THEM. Practice it LIMBO. Extremely powerful. Be careful she might try to get a restraining order on you. She will want you out of the home.

The power of non reaction, PRICELESS!!

[angel]

I know is is also good at talking bulls*it.

Listen up:  Do not ever waste your time again talking nicey nice to the OM.  Never.  Never ever.

These mfers are also accomplished liars and manipulators, who will tell you whatever you want to hear. 

If you play nicey nice with them, that gives them power, because they have the mindset of "whatever he isn't strong enough to keep is mine to take". 

If you're ever compelled to talk to him, do it in person, and do it with rage in your eyes.   

[pexio]

...The power of non reaction, PRICELESS!!

Ah, the power of DETACHMENT.  Detachment, in practice, is really just being agreeable.  She says, "We should divorce".  We say, "Yeah, you're probably right".  She says, "You deserve better".  We say, "Yeah, you're probably right".  She says, "I'm not 'in love' with you anymore".  We say, "I'm sorry you feel that way".  In fact, "You're probably right" and "I'm sorry you feel that way" should be about the only things an LBS needs to ever say to an MLCer.  Even this will spin them up though because they crave the DRAMA.  As Dr. Seuss said, they do not like it - not one little bit.

Detachment is hard because it's a different mindset than what we, as "good husbands" are used to.  But the alternatives are being a supportive "rock" and further ENABLING her behavior OR trying to ARGUE with her which (cue Bystander) is pig-wrestling: you end up dirty and the pig likes it.

[Bystander]

Thanks. I understand all this but the next step is a difficult one. I just need to know whether she is in or out of the R. If out then she needs to pack her bags and won't get any benifits from what a R brings if that's what her decision is.

VERY IMPORTANT:
If she responds with anything LESS THAN "I choose YOU and my MARRIAGE over the OM," then her answer is NO MARRIAGE.
"I can't decide" = NO MARRIAGE
"I still want to be with you, but he (the OM) is just a friend" = NO MARRIAGE

You only get ONE SHOT at this, limbo ... otherwise, she'll call your bluff and you WILL be in limbo.

YOUR MARRIAGE or your AFFAIR PARTNER. You choose, RIGHT NOW. Can't have BOTH. DECIDE.

[Double Crossed]

Listen up:  Do not ever waste your time again talking nicey nice to the OM.  Never.  Never ever.

These m'fers are also accomplished liars and manipulators, who will tell you whatever you want to hear. 

If you play nicey nice with them, that gives them power, because they have the mindset of "whatever he isn't strong enough to keep is mine to take". 

If you're ever compelled to talk to him, do it in person, and do it with rage in your eyes.   

This is tremendous advice. The POS that crawled into my world has preyed on married women with kids before. What kind of guy does that? He's lucky to be alive - saved only by the knowledge that my wife of 17 years was complicit in the deal.

[Bystander]

These women play the damsel in distress card, and are "rescued" by their Knights in Shining Armor, who are often "dumsels in distress" themselves (as Dr. Pittman of the book 'Private Lies' puts it).

To paraphrase a quote I read recently on Facebook, "Most Knights in Shining Armor are Retards in Tin Foil."

They BELIEVE the MLC woman and her tale of "not being in love for 'x' years" and "not being taken care of" and "being taken for granted." I know that's the case with my x-SIL's OM.

What's so funny about this, if you choose to look at it this way, is that these knights in shining armor think they are rescuing a PRINCESS, when in fact, they are rescuing the evil witch in disguise. (Where's the fairy tale that tells THAT story?) They get the princess and, in most cases, in a few years, she turns back into the frog. A woman in MLC is damaged. That's why a normal midlife transition becomes a CRISIS.

What appears to be a FAIRY TALE "happily ever after" ending ... is, in reality, NOT.

My x-SIL got the family home. She & the OM have done some work to remodel it. But the house inspector that my brother hired to do a walk-through on it when the house was to be put on the market identified severe structural deficiencies in it that cannot be easily remedied (and don't appear to have been addressed in the remodeling). It's putting lipstick on a pig. Some day that addition will crack and a big piece of the house will fall down. (Literally AND figuratively!!!!)

My x-SIL got primary physical custody of the kids. She can make herself look like "Super Mom" for her "sacrifices" in taking care of the kids. But now she has to work full-time (never did once she had kids with my brother) and drive them 20 minutes each way to the school they were at before her affair. The reality is that she's got to deal with is the trust and discipline issues that are going to come up in the next few years as her kids reach the teenage years and say things like, "You're not my dad! You can't tell me what to do" to the OM or "You can't tell me who to date and who not to date," to her. 

My x-SIL has received a lot of support from toxic friends and relatives. But again, appearances can be deceiving. Her parents still communicate with her, of course, because otherwise she would deny them access to the grandchildren (she has proven to be punitive towards them in the past on this topic)... but one of her sisters won't talk to her at all, and another limits her contact. This is a family that used to spend EVERY holiday together and would even invent excuses for get-togethers. The OM has not attended a single one of these. Even if he does, they all know this is the guy that she chose over her marriage and her family. Tainted goods forever.

So don't get too wrapped up in how things APPEAR to be. Appearances can be deceiving.

And as my mom always says, "It's what's on the INSIDE that counts, not on the OUTSIDE."

The OM will eventually discover (as many of the OM's cited on this thread did) that they didn't get the princess. They got the frog.
Just as many of the MLCers will realize they didn't get the knight - they got the guy in tinfoil.

All in good time.....
 

[trying222]

again, sound advice ms. bystander.  Pittman's book was brilliant about how it all goes down.
"haven't been happy in years"
"we got married too young"
"I do everything in my marriage/household"

yeah.  blah, blah, blah.

But - I do believe when you hear "you deserve better" - is the same OR WORSE than ILYBINILWY.

It means this:

"I am in a situation I never imagined - in love and total lust with another man-and this guy who I used to love?  I feel nothing for him.  I am having an affair - and it is as exciting as anything I have ever done in my life.  I won't stop, but he (you) does deserve better.  He was a pretty good dad and we did have some fun times.  He'll find someone.  I'll tell him he deserves better than me, and we will be just fine after the divorce."

I got the "you deserve better" line on one of our 3-4 late night talks about the end - her unhappiness - and I thought it meant because she wouldn't kiss me - hold me - wanted anything to do with me - only later did I realize it was because she had already begun a relationship with another man, something I assure you - she never, never, never thought she would do.

When you hear "you deserve better"  ITS OVER - in my humble opinion.

Sorry friend - the journey is just beginning for you - but you will do fine, however it comes out.

T22

[limbo]

Great advice from all the threads here and have taken it all on board. The talk never ocurred last night and was waiting for her to bring up the R issue and to plan what our next step is. I was calm all night and waiting for the opportunity as I know what to simply say - "Are you in or out?". I understand the W is very upset over all this as well and I can only assume she is scarred of what will occur next or what I will say or do in return. I know that from her past actions that she has feellings for the OM (he is 10 hours drive away) but also understands nothing can happen about it but on the other hand still likes the life we have created. I of course cannot and never will accept this as long as we are together. I understand this is all her actions and thoughts and if she wants the life with me she needs to commit or else she is out the door. I am starting to think I cannot wait for her to say something about the R as over all these years she cannot talk about it. The W is a very cold person on the outside which I have accepted is her trait but because of this iyt has always been difficult to openly discuss our R issues. But maybe after all this time it was because of me due to her having feelings for the OM???

So right now I think my head is straight, I know what to say and do thanks to this and after all this time can afford to wait again til tonight. I know what you are all saying though - why wait and for me to bring it up??? Well I can't really answer this but to only say that I would like her to bring it up and to be ready to talk honestly and open with me when she does. If not we will still be going around in circles and still living in Limbo. I have learnt from the past if we are both not ready to talk then nothing gets resolved but we are at the point now that it HAS to be resolved one way or another...