Deserving Better

[classic]

T22,
You nailed it. It is so easy to put the jigsaw puzzle together when you see the box cover. All the pieces snap into place when you figure out the truth. What I am saying is my X swore no other guy but all the clues were there. For a guy that likes mystery stories I was brain dead to the clues.

 It is hard to accept is that it really isn't about you or the relationship and that is why we call it MLC. There is a script and they follow it to a t;..
Limbo is still waiting on the fairy dust. She swallowed the red pill and she is in a different realty. The hardest  part is to adjust to how little they care about you.

There is life after divorce and it could be better than what you have or have had. My two cents worth

Limbo get off the roller coaster ride and get on with your life.

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

 

 to talk honestly and open with me when she does.
Limbo,
They don't talk honestly! You will never get the truth, they are wonderful liars and manipulators

[Faithful Father]

Limbo,
They don't talk honestly! You will never get the truth, they are wonderful liars and manipulators

.

True that!  If they're in full tornadic MLC mode, with the dead, lifeless shark eyes--you are assured that if their lips are moving, it simply cannot be trusted. 

The jaws monologue applies here, folks.  Hence the user-pic.  This isn't posted to sound bitter or vindictive; it's just that these aliens lie first and foremost to themselves...so the truth just evades them altogether.

[Faithful Father]

I can't believe I just posted the above !

Does that make me jaded, or a detached realist?

[Roger Wilco]

I can't tell you which you are but I've come to where I assume she's always not being truthful.  I say not being truthful because she may believe her justifications for exiting our marriage (am I too generous, or what?).  The problem is that what she accuses me of is not.  Mine's primary gripe was that I don't support her and am forcing her to live as a 1950's housewife.  She seems to believe it.  Problem is what when I told friends/family that she's leaving me for POSOM, the first thing every single person said was, "Why would she leave you?   You're so supportive of her."  And I was. 

I think this is what keeps us in limbo longer than we should.  They believe things that just aren't true leaving us to 'wait them out' until they see reality.  In the meantime, their version of reality makes them want to smash marriage into a million pieces.

[Not myself]

Dear Limbo,

     I myself am a newbie here and through the hard advice given, it is the truth. You have to listen to these guys, they have the experience that we don't want to admit to. My sitch is getting worse, and better at the same time. This MLC thing just has to run it's course, you have no control over it, or her, or her actions. I am going to anger management tomorrow Yeah, can you tell I'm so happy? She is the one with the issues, me too a little, but it is me that took the forward step. She didn't go to therapy or anything, there is nothing wrong with her it is all you, didn't you know? I suggest that you stay strong for you and your children and let it run it's course, it will anyway with you there in the picture or not. I thought that I could blow it all up and go Nuclear, but it just drives them away and validates them about you, that you are angry, do you see where I am going? I finally realized I could live in a box without her and be ok, it would suck, but I would be ok. you will too, just work on you, that is all. In 3-7 years you might come back to it, but..........that will be for that day, if it comes at all...good luck sorry to hear your pain...            

[Bystander]

It is REALLY important for you to "reality-test" yourself every once in a while with a trusted friend or family member.
By that, I mean, it's easy for you to start *believing* the lies you're being told -- so you need to talk about them with someone who can help you validate that they *are* lies.

Like these, from my SIL:

"I've been unhappy for the past two years." Really? Then why were you talking with your MIL about having a baby with my brother 3 months before the affair began?

"He's never home." (My brother had, within the last year, started a job that required occasional travel.) Followed by "He's here too much." (When he wasn't on the road, he worked from home). Okay, so which is it lady?

I could go on, but the point is: If you hear it often enough, from a person you loved & trusted, it's hard not to think that maybe she's NOT lying. (And, in her defense, if SHE BELIEVES IT, it's not "lying" to her. It's just "HER" version of reality.) Fact-check it to get your bearings...

and most of all, remember:
"This is about HER, not YOU."

(If it was about YOU, the things YOU change would FIX it.)

[limbo]

Ok Guys. I have taken all this on. Basically I had enough with the W not talking to me about the R so I brought up that we needed to talk 2night. Went on to say whether she was in 100% or out - no grey areas, just a black and white decision. She just started to say that if she decided to go that I would make her life hell and my response was simply that I couldn't say what I would do And she wanted our conversation to be calm and for me not to get angry and I just replied saying I have simply had enough and won’t. What does she want me to do or behave? I just said that if she is out I cannot look after her the way I do at the moment and that will be her decision. She also went onto say that the past 6 years I have treated her wrongly and that I should admit what I have done. I just replied - I know and accept what I did and can't change the past and sought help for it but I am not the only one to blame here and then brought the OM up. She said that he was not the problem with us and that I made out that it was. I said that we had set a boundary and she chose to ignore it. The only reason why I was acting the way I did in the past was due to the OM being in the background and not knowing when he would reappear. I did treat her very well and provided everything for her and I didn't believe a word she was saying as she couldn't take any responsibility of the past and even went onto say that I drove her to doing what she did.

Right now I have told her I need to know what she wants and we will move forward no matter what the decision is. My gut says she will be out as I strongly think she cannot move forward with me till she seeks help in dealing with the past - not only with me but other issues as well. She is scared of what others will think if she does and what I will tell others as she doesn't want the story to come out that the reason why we separated was due to the OM.......

Bystander - you are correct in that I need someone to bounce all this off and for to realise that I am not the one fully at fault here. I have done this and is one of the reasons why the full detachment during the month has occurred. They can see what is going on from the outside and can't seem to understand why she would be so destructive.....

Will keep you all posted.

[Bystander]

Okayyyyy.... so just how long are you going to give her to decide?

And YEAH, you're going to tell people that the reason you separated was because she was cheating. DUH!
You need to make the consequences of this FULLY CLEAR TO HER!!

No, "I can't say what I would do."

It's: You're either WITH ME, or you're AGAINST ME.
If you're not with me, I'm going to make sure everyone you know knows EXACTLY what you did.
Oh: And me and the kids are going to be just fine.

Man up, dude. If you don't follow through with a SPECIFIC TIMETABLE (and, honestly, an immediate answer of "I'M ALL IN" is an "I'M NOT IN IT TO WIN IT" response) means you need to start executing the plan. Call a Realtor. Have them come and go through the house (with the idea that you need to sell it). See a lawyer. Start making an inventory of all the items in the house.
She needs to SEE that you are MOVING FORWARD WITH THIS.

[JoeP88]

That was another gem, bystander about bouncing that off someone. My BIL got me through my darkest days along w/ a lot of other divorced friends (who were all LBSs) - and there is of course always this place!

When she says you didnt do this and that, fine. Every marriage has flaws and it takes TWO.
BUT, that's apples and oranges. In a good OR bad marriage an OM is never the answer.
(you treated me wrongly so I went and found OM  - that simply just does NOT compute! its NONSENSE)

and if you're like a lot of us, you are wondering where this is coming from - why wasnt any of this ever mentioned before?

When I was working from home, after she moved out, she said 'oh, so now you're making changes I wanted" - I had already found PP by then quickly responded with "oh, so if I worked from home you wouldnt have had an extra marital affair?'
If she's IN those flaws are the things you guys can eventually work on TOGETHER. 

She's giving you a shade of gray for an answer..you must take it to mean that she's out. Do all those things Bystander said. She just may change her tune when she sees whats happening.

[Faithful Father]

Dude--the affairing wife re-writing history to justify her sin is absolutely to be expected. Both of ours used the same playbook.  I "emotionally abandoned" her you see, because I had to work 60 to 80 hours a week to secure what is now the best job in the world. She couldn't tough it out for one year?  These women are sick, bro. DO NOT LET THEIR REVISIONIST HISTORY GET TO YOU.  Find a confidont and bounce this crap off them.  It's just twisted lies to support their fantasy driven by sin.

Get ready for the storm.  Start detaching now...  Get Christine's book and read up on the detachment section.  You no longer live for her...  You live for God, yourself, and the kids...

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

Limbo,
She is playing you for a God damn F'n fool! Stop with the hesitation and take action. I am telling you this from personal experience. I was a God damn F'N fool myself and I lost EVERYTHING except for thank God my children. I am broke, lost my family job of over 20 years and filed suit on my father all for this woman who had me buffaloed.I bought her shit hook line and sinker and now I have nothing. Don't make the same mistake I made. Take action.

[limbo]

I fully hear you there but as you know it can be hard with your head saying one thing and your heart saying another. I will be taking action and setting my time frames as I have had enough playing games with a teenager. As the previous posts put it - it is black or whit. She is either in 100% on my terms with clear boundaries set or she is out. I tend to think she will choose the latter and am preparing for it.

[Faithful Father]

Tough love time:
1.  If there is a question, it's 95% game over.
2.  She just ripped out your heart and stomped on it.  Time to act heartless as well.  Don Corleone style.  Protect your finances NOW.  Document everything NOW.

We all know the head vs. Heart---we've all been there.  It is only a matter of time before she acts like a full on enemy.  An ounce of protection...
3.  I actually agree with this now... You must be willing to destroy your marriage in order to save it.  And if if she destroys it anyway, you've still saved yourself and the kids.  I HATE typing this, but if you're experience is anything like ours, she's already dead to you.  And if she's dead to you, the quicker you change your entire world view, the better.  It took me 35 pounds and 6 months... And I still struggle, but it WILL get better!

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

Limbo,
We tell you this because we care and we went through it. I know heart vs head but like faithful said she is most likely out and has been out for several months if not years. I only stay on this site if I can help anyone from going through the pain me and my children had to endure. It will only get worse and you MUST take the advice of us here who know what you are going through. Nobody really knows except us.
Pray that God gives you all the strength and courage you need. Ask for it and he will provide.