The OM Conversation

[Talking2awall]

As some of you know I haven’t posted much on here because my divorce is not finalized and I am afraid that what I say here may have future implications in that event (August, fingers crossed since it has been delayed numerous times, I’m not sure if she knows about pp but I’m not 100% willing to take that chance).  Today was one of the weirdest days of my life.  The OM came to my home after the kids left and wanted to sit out on my porch and talk to me.  Although I am a black belt in Tae Kwon Do I did nothing violent towards this person and decided to hear him out (although I did not offer him a drink like I would a normal guest even though I was really thirsty sitting on the porch on this hot summer day).  We talked for 2.5 hours.  I found it interesting that he himself identified that he was being used by my stbx and was finished with it.  We compared notes on her and realized that we were both being treated similarly (although I had months ago decided to not be hoovered and he was still allowing himself to be hoovered).  He mentioned that he thought the turning point in my relationship with my stbx was the day that I told her that I would not spot her the security deposit on her second apartment since she left, he mentioned that since then he had loaned her hundreds (if not a thousand) dollars to cover her bills.  The straw that broke the camels back for him was when my stbx decided to involve his children in her crazy reindeer games and attempted to deny them of something he had promised them.  He decided he wouldn’t spot her the cash for something she had promised to pay half of and thus she and my kids were excluded from his plans (sorry this is so cryptic got to wait for this divorce to get finalized).   By my estimation they have broken up and gotten back together at least 8 times but this is the first time he has ever approached me. 

 He himself admits to being a narcissist, he says he is working on this problem with a therapist who asked him if he was willing to be in a relationship with someone so similar to himself (stbx).  He says that relationship is over and he can’t be with her anymore.  Oddly enough he mentioned that we both go to the same location for therapy (he goes to a different person than me), but both therapists had reached the same conclusion on my stbx, narcissist with psychopathic behaviors. 

I don’t doubt for a second that with him being an admitted narcissist that some of this talk was about himself and harming my stbx, but it strongly reinforced in my mind why this relationship will never work for me.  He even apologized (looking right into my face) for all the pain he had caused me.  I may never get the apology or the admission that what she did was wrong from my stbx, but I feel like this was a huge step forward for me, putting my past behind me and moving forward with just myself and my kids as my priority.  My biggest obstacle to overcome now is my rage, rage towards my stbx, rage towards what she did to our family, rage towards me for allowing myself to be duped so badly for so many years by someone who was only using me.  This was one of the steps, the step I couldn’t take by myself, towards reaching acceptance and peace with these emotions and moving on with my life.  It has been over a year now but I still find that I dream about very violent things that I don’t feel comfortable with in my awake state.  I don’t take any drugs because my therapist says I don’t need them, he says I have an accurate view on what is taking place in my life (thanks Walter, couldn’t have done it without all the articles you have posted). 

Oddly enough (maybe just as a revenge tactic, I’m not sure) he said the reason that he came over was because he felt that I was the better parent for the children and he said he was willing to go on the stand and testify to that affect if I needed him to.  I will not take him up on that offer since I feel there is too much uncertainty in that course of action, but it is nice to have my feelings validated by someone other than my relatives or friends.

 Stay tough guys, as the OM told me today, the truth comes out to everyone in the end, no matter how long it takes.  I just hope OM2 is better for my kids than OM1.  Although I will say that I feel bad about the level of attachment his kids reached with my stbx, and how much the ending of that relationship has affected his kids.  We are all adults and have a voice but it seems like all the kids involved in these crazy situations get hurt the most.   

[pexio]

Interesting.  I'd take whatever the guy told you with a HUGE grain of salt because, well, he is a POSOM after all.  Anyway, if there was something he told you that resonates with you and helps you move forward, all the better.  Best of luck bro.

[angel]

First off, I admire your patience and restraint.

I've received two texts from the ex-POSOM, wanting to sit down and talk to me, face to face.

I replied to neither.

My assumption is this self-serving asshole wanted to spill his guts, similar to your story, compare notes, and formulate some sort of apology.

I rejected the idea, because it would be serving to assuage his misgivings.  There is absolutely nothing he could say that I would want to hear.

And quite frankly, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. 

His compensation package for his sins is in full gear.  The compensation has begun over the last six months.


Thank you for sharing your story. 

 

[Shell Shocked]

Like Angel, I have been contacted by my STBX's OM. And like Angel, I have refused to sit down and talk with him. As I responded to him in an email, "I have to deal with [STBX], I don't have to deal with you."

It is his stance that I blame him for my marriage failing, because I don't want to talk to him. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is/was a variable in the equation; he could have been any one in a thousand to fill that space for my wife. What I do blame him for is making himself available to my wife in such a dishonorable way; sneaking around and whispering to her of other possibilities for her while she should have been focused on repairing the damage in our marriage. Again, no good man pursues a married woman.

I choose not to engage him because I feel that might somehow legitimize their affair in their minds. Wherever their relationship takes them, it will be wholly separate from me. I choose not to acknowledge him at this time because there is still far too much pain associated with what they've done.

There may be a time when I will deal with this man face-to-face, but that time is not now.

Bear in mind that I write this not just for you men, but also for him, as I know he and my STBX do indeed read my posts here.

[trying222]

I choose not to engage him because I feel that might somehow legitimize their affair in their minds. Wherever their relationship takes them, it will be wholly separate from me. I choose not to acknowledge him at this time because there is still far too much pain associated with what they've done.

right on SS old friend.  This is also one reason why I have chosen to be simply quietly cordial to both my ex and her new husband.  I have no interest in making them feel better about themselves or giving them any information on my life, which is my own.  I suppose that is in some way childish, but hey, be careful what you wish for honey, you just might get it all.  And now she does - a new husband and ZERO relationship with her ex husband and his (my) family.  She and her family are truly dead to my family.  They do not speak of her - ever anymore.

I don't dwell on things like this, but I am sure his family asks my ex "how is your relationship with the children's father..."

I wonder how she answers that?

T22

[angel]

There may be a time when I will deal with this man face-to-face, but that time is not now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZS8WoNfg7c

[praying]

Angel,
I LOVED the video.  My X wanted me to be able to be around the POS.  I told her under NO circumstances is this POS welcomed in my presence.  Sorry, but I ain't helping with your guilt bitch.  Also told her that he he ever even touches a blade of grass on my property two thing WILL happen...1. he gets his ass kicked 2. he goes to jail for trespassing.  Nobody says we have to "play nice" with shitbags.

[Shell Shocked]

I don't want anything bad to happen, too much has been done. Besides, this guy is getting a REALLY distorted idea of who I am from my STBX too.

I just don't want to invest my energies into legitimizing their relationship for them. I've got bigger fish to fry. You want to feel right about what's been done? Look elsewhere for it. My only concerns right now are for my children and I, and trying to get a handle on the "new normal."

Pow-wowing with the OM doesn't even come close on the hierarchy of needs right now.

[jacksondad]

I had contact with my ex's om too, both fist's and both feet!  I didn't take the advice of the elder's on here and gave that piece of shit what he deserved. He was never heard from again, not dead just gone.  After that day things began changing for my ex, perhaps this was the reality check she needed.

[JoeP88]

I don't want anything bad to happen, too much has been done. Besides, this guy is getting a REALLY distorted idea of who I am from my STBX too.

so very true.

these woman will tell their OM's/OP/Toxic friends ANYTHING. In my sitch, these were people that didnt know me. didnt know US. they knew her and her story, her spin..her side!
Of course they can't say we're good men, and they are leaving their husbands and kids 1/2 the time behind. and they lie and cheat and stuff like that. Nope.

Good for these OM and all their friends. Look at the mess they got on their hands now!
 

[Gary]

T22,

I don't dwell on things like this, but I am sure his family asks my ex "how is your relationship with the children's father..."

I wonder how she answers that?

Probably with a lie like "Oh,   we're still good friends!"
They sure as hell don't ever paint themselves in a bad light..............do they

[angel]

I had contact with my ex's om too, both fist's and both feet!  I didn't take the advice of the elder's on here and gave that piece of shit what he deserved. He was never heard from again, not dead just gone.  After that day things began changing for my ex, perhaps this was the reality check she needed.

Yessir.


Most of the OMs are in the game because there's an easy poa to be had.

Some are in it for "love" because they are just as messed up as the MLCer...two emotionally retarded defective losers twisted up in the game, and of course the poa is here too.


Last Sept, I got this text from the OM:

"1st, plz kno I am so sorry for everything.  Wanted 2 let you kno I care deeply for XXXXXX, but it is u n girls she loves.  If u have any feelings 4 her, u should call her asap n tell her.  Again, plz kno I truly felt it was real-the only real thing was how she felt about her family.  Its not easy 4 me 2 text this but I kno that we coud never be when she has these feelings 4 u and girls.  I thought it coul b different, but realize the truth-she needs u guys 2 b happy!!  She has wanted 2 talk/ask you about coming home for weeks but was so afraid of hearing no.  Believe me when I tell u this, I only want her happy"

This was all an effing lie.  He could care less about me or my kids.

It was self-serving because in his mind, as he figured he could get to her by knowing I would show her this message and thereby pass on that "cares about her deeply", and "he only wants her happy."


Again, any conversations with the OM:


--Completely non-rational, with extreme exhuberance, as if YOU are possessed by a demon.
--Hold no quarter, give him nothing except the fact that you hate his fucking guts, your kids hate his fucking guts, and if he doesn't go away, there are people that can provide that service for him involuntarily.

Or in JD's case and BB's, start dancing.

The OM's are intruders and yellow-bellied cowards.  They are absolutely no match for an enraged father--mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or any other way.   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekJaJGehPT4

[fitzge]

Talking2awall  --- you are made of far better stuff than me.  I could not and would not sit and listen to a POS attempting to clean his conscience.  Let the SOBs go to confession for that.

I am not interested in what POS believes, thinks, wishes, wants, hopes for etc.  I am not interest in what EX believes, thinks, wishes, wants, hopes for etc.  In fact, as to EX and her POS, I am only interested in reading their obituaries. 

To those who could sit with OM, well, GOD Bless.  To those who couldn't, your thought pass my logic test.