Ok - I am not sure what to do - Please give me some direction !!

[sosad99]

If you read some of my prior posts - Got the speech in September. I love you as a friend, not as a husband ! Know W was with at least 2 OB's, and possibly more as one typed text in face book on an app said "you better give me some tonight"  Unfortunately, I do ot know who that went to. Interrupted an affair attempt while she was shit faced in March. Several fantasy and attempts at married dudes and dirty texting. She has had contact with one looser and spent an hour at his car lot in June after hours. At Min an emotional affair on FB with him and attempt to go further. We are officially seperated for last 4 weeks. She got a neighbor to search her car and found tracker just before I took kids to beach. A big warning bell to me, she doesn't want me to know where she has been or is going. Also she found by accident my PC spying, so that is done.

She has said nothing about either, but I know this, positive.

While in the house she would flirt with me when I tried to detach, I know, hoovering. We have spent evenings together looking for cars for kids, since seperating, and last night worked together with power washer washing drive and stuff at her place. I went no contact for a few days and she called and wanted me to come to supper. I was not avalble but came by later.


With her projection she has destroyed most of my friends, so I am going this alone. She says their is no OM, but I know I can't believe a word she says as she flat lied to me the other night about texting OB. I have the contents of those as well as many others. She doesn't know.


I have no proof that there is OM now , if so, she is hiding it very well. Because of the FB attempts to hook up with several, I don't think their is just one OM. But she was sure trolling.

If there is no OM and I go no contact, will this push her to OM. I told my couselor about the reaction I get with I try to touch her and her saying she wants to be friends and she said that I should flat out ask her that if she doesn't love me as a husband then who does she love. You just can't turn off love like that unless she is too full of shame and guilt and can't touch me because of it or she has given herself to OM and doesn't want me to touch her because she is not mine to touch, she is someone elses.

She has the kids living with her, so she has not had the freedom to go totally crazy. She is working a PT job with flex hours, so now, I can't say if she is doing something of an evening, but she is usually home fairly early. Went to lake this weekend with Sister and family.

It will be 1 year in 19 days since first affair and trouble began.

I have tried to busy myself with work and getting a Motorcycle ready ready. She will still do my laundry as I have no W/D.

This is not a life to live. She has not mentioned the divorce thing in several weeks.

I don't like the pain of the 1 year of rejection, this is going nowhere. I have enough to show my friends how she has lied to them in hopes of getting them back. But I am sure that would get back to her. I am not sure how they would treat her once they found out. They may not be able to accept what she did to them and distance from both of us. I also have enought to take legal action against her employer, that might get me a settlement for me, but cost her her job. So the kids would be pissed at me. I have not set in the house, I have been out keeping busy and she has noticed. But hasn't made a difference. She wants to check my phone, ask me why the passenger seat in my truck was back, etc. Wether she is jealous or wanting to make her self feel better thinking I have been out messing around, don't know which.

No contact, see what happens ?

My feelings on this is that she had affair with OB and more, she is searching for a feeling, she did not get that feeling with me. But I also saw a change in her to the shark eyes about 90 days after affair. So the she went into full storm mode. I know she was searching for a feeling because she said after the oversex weekend right after affair that she thought she would give me another chance in Iowa. We held hands, went MC riding, but I am guessing she was looking for the lust/passion, and didn't get it. That to me seems like a big part of the issue, and some of her texts back that up alot.

I thought about having a talk with her and point blank ask her who she loves as a husband, and tell her that I can't make someone love me. And then go no contact and stick to it. I also wonder if I could get the friends to turn on her or tell her she is not doing right, if that would matter, but I don't think it would. It would justify the anger she is trying to place on me for her issues.

She is being very secretive is some ways, she knows I have good technology knowledge, she hasn't even set up her voice mail box on her phone, you can't even leave her a message. She also is guarding her purse. If I could find out for sure she is still messing around, that would give me enough anger to actually go no contact, file on her and reveal things.

My other thought after reading some posts from woman who had been through this is that some came back cause their husband waslike a rock for them while they went through this.







I h

[Faithful Father]

You've yet to detach, brother.  She's still doing your laundry?

Get a few sessions with Christine.  She'll set you straight.  You need to detach--and for real this time.  NC is an option, but detached limited contact might be better.  IF you can pull off the detachment...  Complete autonomy and independence from her.

And if she's guarding her purse, she's got a secret affair cell phone.  That's just my hunch...

[pexio]

Sosad,
Brother, I feel the pain dripping from every word of your post.  It sucks.  Make no mistake, you are suffering from PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Marriage therapists say, "The reactions of the betrayed spouse resemble the post-traumatic stress symptoms of the victims of catastrophic events."  So, you're not thinking too clearly.  Which is why most of the advice given here to new guys falls on deaf ears.  We're going to keep plugging away at it, though.

First of all, QUIT SPYING!  You found out your W is cheating.  That's ALL you need to know.  Ditch the keylogger, GPS tracking, monitoring her texts.  STOP NOW!  Your W is "all out".  That's all you need to know.  Quit poking yourself in the eyes with the evidence of her infidelity.

Now, on to your "friends".  And I put "friends" in quotes because if they've heard your side of the story (they have, haven't they?) and they are on HER side, then they are not YOUR friends.  Push them out of your mind.  They're irrelevant.

There's little you've done that can be called DETACHMENT and even less NO CONTACT.  Looking for cars with her, power-washing her driveway, and having her do your laundry gives you what you think you want -ATTENTION.  LBS crave attention from their W's - even NEGATIVE attention.  But it sets you up for more pain because inevitably she will stick you in the back.  Get off the pain roller coaster.  Detachment/NC isn't to "make" her do something, it's for YOU.

Look, people don't change without a reason.  Humans HATE change!  Your W isn't going to change her behavior.  Why would she?  She's got the best of both worlds.  She has you hanging around the fringes of her life should she want a little of the same old (or needs her driveway cleaned) and the means, motive, and opportunity to be a teenage ho.  Stop APPEASING her.

You can think that you're being a "rock" for her.  But what you're doing is ENABLING her addiction.  Addicts aren't "loved" into recovery.  They have to hit rock bottom and arrive at that decision THEMSELVES.  Don't believe me?  Ask any EX-MLC'er.  Ask Christine, ask Amy, ask Newman.  Has being a "good husband", a "rock" done anything good for you this past year.  NO!  Start living your life as if your W isn't coming back.  Because she might not.  But I can sure guarantee that if you keep doing what you're doing, she WON'T come back and YOU will throw in the towel on your marriage.

Talk to Christine.  Get into some counseling.  Get some meds.  Do it now brother.

[walterny]

Listen to the above. Your worry should focus on you know. What is done is done. Rock or scissors, she is in a different place now and regardless of your actions, detachment is needed at this juncture.

[angel]

She also is guarding her purse.

Just like FH said, she HAS a sneaky cell phone.  And a sneaky cell phone only means one thing:  There's sneaky hanky panky going on.  Part of the MLCers "high" is to be operating in the shadows, outside of the light, and let their supressed inner dirty slutty ho come out. 

SS, this woman cannot be trusted farther than you can throw her. 

Follow the advice given...again for your own mental and physical health.  No more powerwashing, take your clothes to the laundromat, no more playing detective.  Let her go on her ill-fated journey of sin and waste.

The longer you do what you are doing, the longer you will live in the hellish limboland you are in.  Limbo isn't living...

Try to take one step at a time, and soon enough you will be walking on a separate path--your path.

[Faithful Father]

It is both amazing and sad to me how we have become experts in this...  My alien had a sneaky cell phone.  I started calling it to leave messages re: the kids.  Figured she'd get the messages quicker...  And what do I care?

So rather than dumping the sneaky cell phone, she got another.  Because that will change everything and make her feel better...right?

[Gary]

sosad,

You're getting really good advice here. Try to listen to it!

Make no mistake, you are suffering from PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Marriage therapists say, "The reactions of the betrayed spouse resemble the post-traumatic stress symptoms of the victims of catastrophic events."  So, you're not thinking too clearly.  Which is why most of the advice given here to new guys falls on deaf ears.

As Pexio has said, this is so true. I, like so many others here, know this experience so well.
Many of us will give you the correct advice, it's just so difficult for you to take in, so difficult to understand what is happening, when this bomb just went off beside you. You just can't think straight for a while!
Just try and hear what is being said and act on it as best you can. Don't beat yourself up when you screw up, we all have! Just try and be better the next time!
Get some help. Meds, couselling! It helps a lot.

As they say, now it's time to get busy living, or get busy dying!
Let her go! NO CONTACT! No helping her when she comes calling. She asked for this separation......give it to her!

You DO NOT NEED HER!!!!!!!

[Bystander]

All right, I'm getting out my 2x4 for you, Sosad.

You've been reading on here for a while now, and you come back with "I am not sure what to do -- Please give me some direction !!"

REALLY??

Good golly man!

You KNOW what you need to do, you're just AFRAID to do it!

She's ALREADY been cheating ... you just don't have "PROOF" that she's doing it right now? My brother's X-MIL was the same way. If her daughter and the OM weren't having sex on her front porch, the affair must be over, right?

Nope, she's just gotten better at hiding it.

And as for YOU, sosad ... YOU'RE NOT ALL IN THIS EITHER?
- I'll TRY detaching for a day, but if she wants us to go shopping for cars for the kids together, maybe we'll be a family again. 
- She MUST still love me, because she's doing my LAUNDRY, right? 
- She CAN'T have time for an affair, because she WORKS part-time ... 

SERIOUSLY, DUDE. WAKE UP!!!!!

Look, I'll say it again, for the hundredth time.
APPEASEMENT DOES NOT WORK.

You are a frog in an ever-warming pot of water on the stove.
If you KEEP on doing what you've ALWAYS DONE, you're going to KEEP on GETTING what you've ALWAYS GOT.
In this case, it's a wife who is keeping YOU on the hook, and you're going to slowly BOIL TO DEATH.

So how about this. Why don't YOU give her YOUR OWN ILYBINILWY speech?
"I know you've cheated on me in the past. You're probably cheating on me now. I just am finding it hard to love you anymore. I just can't be with someone I don't trust. Let's go ahead and get that divorce."

THEN, detach for REAL. STOP appeasing her. STOP being there for her.
And most importantly, dude, take your clothes to the laundromat. 

[angel]

My alien had a sneaky cell phone. 

Mine too.

Everybody, raise your hand here:  Did your demon have a sneaky cell phone?

I would venture to guess that this is a standard issue equipment for an MLCer.


For any newbies, hiding the purse means SNEAKY CELL PHONE, which means there's adultery going on.  If there is a second cell phone (for example, for business purposes), I can guarantee you that that one is dirty too.

The presence of a second cell phone = OM.   OM = NM.   

[trying222]

sosadd - you are caught between the areas of "I know what I need to do" and "I'm scared I will lose everything, including my wife."

I was there.  Most guys were.  It was easier for me - mine waved goodbye and never looked back.  So, yes, it was easier for me.

But that doesn't make your decision any different.  It might be time to cut and run - lay down the law, all in or all out.

Or does everyone on the board need to say OM=No marriage.....?

I can tell you that ig gets much, much easier to live as a separated, single, divorced guy.  It isn't the end of the world.  If your marriage ends, you will survive your wife's mid life crisis.

The first steps are the hardest - the next ones come pretty easy.

T22

[swfoxtrot]

Man i feel for u. I too was scared. And confused. Detatch asap it helps u think clearly and makes u stronger. My ex had asked me a few months ago to take her to the movies after her om went fishing with his buds instead of spend time with her. But at that time I had gone NC for a month and when I was looking at her as she said this I thought "why should I be 2nd choice meats or her doormat" I told her no but if she had asked me that 1 month earlier I would have jumped all over that offer and spared no expense. It wouldn't just be a movie but dinner dancing bowling bar hoping. Detach man ignore her texts. Trust me u will think more clearly once ur fog is lifted

[sosad99]

As far as the friends go, they have been the victim of run down the street crying he is going sycho and going to break things, and basically 8 months of brainwashing while we was in the neighborhood. Problem is, I have the live versions of the events as they happened. She went as far and told them I left a bruise on her arm grabbing her couldn't leave her alone, you know, abuse, but she failed to add she was sticking a fire place poker and later acoat hanger up my shorts while I was working out and was poking my cock, so we wrestled and I was holding her arm back, she grabbed my cock and I stopped her from grabbing my cock again. They have no idea and would probably freak when they hear that. Only a month ago and thats after she has them thinking I was always trying to mess with her and couldn't leave her alone type thing.

Also she said in one of those concious lies may be unspoken truth moments that she had an affair with one of them. That would really shake things up.

She has taking my MC riding buddies away from me, our kids, our pets, all with this shit. I am not sure she even knows at times what she did. She believes herself at times. I don't like the friend destruction at all.

[feelingmn]

OM= NO MARRIAGE.

When all the dust settles it comes down to how you want to be treated.

I made a decision I deserved to be treated with dignity and respect.

Neither of these are present in your current situation.

Time to pull the ripcord.

[pexio]

Sosad,
You've mentioned how your buddies have been turned against you through this mess on several occasions.  Clearly, what your friends think of you is important.  And yet...

They have no idea and would probably freak when they hear that.

So what's the hold up?  Why don't they know the whole TRUTH?  Who are you protecting - your wife?  How's that been working out for you?

[sosad99]

Your right about protecting her, but I think my kids will have a very bad reaction to this if I do it. They are her best friend... Hell 2 out of 3 didn't think it was any big deal for her to be in a car at 2am with a dude reclined fully in her seat. So maybe I am protecting the kids more than her.