The Power of Detachment

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Pimping Newman's great post on detachment here.  Remember Newman is an EX-MLCer, so he knows of what he speaks.


The Power of Detachment

and six key things you can do NOW to make it work


Ask ten people what DETACHMENT is and 3 may know generally while the other 7 run for cover because they know they should ... but oooops....

How about the other difficult word............. “Boundaries”?

I want to talk a little about “The Outer Limits”, what we typically call “boundaries” because there can be no detachment without boundaries.

Boundaries. What are they?

In simple terms a boundary is a property line. It marks where your property ends and another persons begins. A boundary marks the property you own and where another persons ownership begins.

As the property owner you are responsible for what occurs within your boundaries.

Boundaries work both on the outside and the inside of your life. They give you definition, autonomy, limits, and structure. They define where you end and another person begins.

Lets look at six key areas of autonomy that boundaries give you right now:

   1.      Ownership.
   2.      Control
   3.      Freedom
   4.      Responsibility, Accountability, And Consequences
   5.      Limits
   6.      Protection

Pause and think about the above six as it relates to property that you own.

....

Now pause to consider how these six areas relate to your life.

....

What elements do you, as the property owner of your life, have ownership of? Have control over? Have the freedom to express? Have responsibility, accountability and consequences for? Have limits set for? And that you need to protect?

Some answers might be:

    *      My feelings
    *      My emotions
    *      My self respect
    *      My beliefs
    *      My self-control
    *      My individuality
    *      My thoughts
    *      My behaviours
    *      My talents
    *      My desires and wants
    *      My values
    *      My loves
    *      My choices
    *      My attitudes
    *      And more...

These elements of ownership define you, don't they? Together they constitute who you are.

What is happening to you when crisis arrives is the definition of ownership gets obscured and we often see things as happening to us that affect almost all of the above elements placing our lives into a tailspin of reaction instead of a proactive ownership of these as being our own!

In an bizarre kind of way we relinquish control of these elements to our MLC spouse and allow their behaviour and actions dictate how these elements of our life behaves. We may hold him responsible for our feelings, our emotions, our diminished self-respect, our loss of self-control, our obsessive thoughts, our desires and wants, our attitudes, our love, and more...

In relationships we do affect each other and your MLC spouse does affect you. But if you are unable to communicate these elements from the core of who you are you become a nonentity and a “non-force” and the power of YOU is not experienced (especially by your MLC spouse). You become reactive to “every little thing” that he does or says; you are essentially - “out-of-control”. When he casts blame, acts out-of-line, or touches a nerve, you react. When he does so he no longer comes up against the power of your boundaries.

You need to exercise #6 above and bring in protection NOW to these elements.

You need to know that only you are responsible for them.

You need to reclaim your ownership of them.

You need to set limits on who and how much influence another may have on them.

You need to freely express them as your own.

You need to place them under control.


When you do – detachment becomes easy. You have defined WHO you are, where you end and another begins, and you protect how much right another has to put trash on your property without repercussion from you or the law.

To detach is simply to enforce your boundaries of ownership of your life.

So really, in a very simple statement – Detachment IS a Boundary.

It is a border, a fence-line, a wall of protection, a blockade and barrier that states “this far and no more” “no trespassing” “no dumping” “This is Posted Land” It is exercising ownership, control, freedom, responsibility, accountability, limits, and protection over your life and expressing it toward trespassers, interlopers, violators, and intruders.