Do we really go wrong ?

[Not myself]

Did we go wrong, or is it just God's will? I am finally past the point of crying over her and her behavior, this is a good thing for me. I will be able to manage if I was alone in a box. It would suck but I know I could do it. I am angry that life has thrown me this curveball. I deserve to be angry, unfortunately, it cures and fixes nothing. We made concious decisions and all things went according to plan of our lives. Except this MLC issue. So, I take the first step to see if I don't get pissed off at a doctor tomorrow morning by him insulting my intelligence. We will see. All I know is now that life is the experience that we will experience whether we like it or not. So, now I make 1 thing a day to do, it is all I can handle. If I accomplish that one thing, then more is possible. But only within myself do I plan for. I am unable to plan for her, because, she only wants it the way she wants it with little or no comprimise. I am not as successful as I would like to be at this point with all I have to navigate. I can only hope god grants me my wishes, I only have three, they are simple, but yet seemingly impossible at this juncture in life. Must be the economy, even god doesn't seem to be functioning at full potential these days... Sorry for the blind rant I have been out of focus today a bit, kinda like my new moniker, not myself......Thanks to the guys and the helpful advice out there. By the way she took her ring off a week ago, it remains off, I know what that means. Boy does she wish to hurt me in my head. I will get over it             

[Bystander]

Yes you will.

And don't be too upset if the doctor doesn't understand what you're talking about. Few "get" MLC. What's most important to communicate is: I'm not sleeping. I'm crying all the time. I'm very upset by the situation. And I need help. They "get" that (depression), even if they don't "get" the cause.

Yes, focus on one thing at a time. Small steps forward.

You have clarity, if you didn't before. She took the ring off=there's someone else. (I should add that to the thread on that topic.)

God had nothing to do with this. How do I know this? My SIL claimed "God brought me and (the OM) together." I'm 100% positive that's not the case. God gave people free will. There's a whole thread for that on here. Look for it.

It's okay to be angry. And to bargain. And to be in denial ... and all of the other five stages of grief (Kubler-Ross) that will eventually get you to Acceptance. Yes, this situation sucks. But if you follow the paths forged by the guys on here, you WILL survive your wife's midlife crisis ... and you might even become a better man because of it.

Finally, I seriously doubt you'd "be able to manage if I was alone in a box." Dude, you're not in this alone ... and, most importantly, the stories of the other guys on here demonstrate that WITHOUT A DOUBT that this is an epidemic. It's OBVIOUSLY not YOU, it's HER... because there are HUNDREDS of WOMEN doing the EXACT SAME THING. You could be Brad Pitt and if she has the right combination of history, hormones, and triggers ... you'd still be the LBS.
 

[simracer88]

She takes her ring off to feel free, This could be because you are smothering her for answers.
 Answers she does not have, at least not while she is spinning.
She took her ring off because there is a OP, Somewere!
   Don't pressure her, go about your life planning as if you were alone you maybe in the end.
This is a long hurtful road your on, the more you are there for her, the more YOU GET HURT.
   Set your boundries, she's either going to work on the M, Or work on the OM.
The main thing is for you to focus on you, Right easier said then done.
 What were YOU before her?
What will YOU be after her?
   One thing you do not want to be, IS A DOORMAT.
If she doesn't want in, then let the door hit her in the ass on the way out.

[Roger Wilco]

It's OBVIOUSLY not YOU, it's HER... because there are HUNDREDS of WOMEN doing the EXACT SAME THING. You could be Brad Pitt and if she has the right combination of history, hormones, and triggers ... you'd still be the LBS.
 

But don't let this keep you from bettering yourself.  Go to a counselor, read self help books, and prepare yourself to be better in your next relationship.  Your next relationship could be your wife in Recon or it could be another woman, but you should be working on improvements.  A wife in MLC isn't a free pass on what you did/didn't bring to a relationship. 

What's unfair is that you're never given a chance to make those changes to save your marriage.  Or, that one time in 2006, you cancelled a lunch date to play golf and that's why she's leaving you.  Here's another gem for us LBS...if her best reason she's got is something that mundane then you are a good guy because that's the only ammo you've given her.

[Not myself]

    As usual the staff here, although underpaid, is spot on and can see the forest through the trees. She is spinning guys, and it kills all of us because she does care for me inside, she just can't now for all her childhood things that can never be repaired, and I didn't go through. I will figure out how to live for me again, although I have lost all interest in any and all of my hobbies. I need to find that will to live for me again, I know I put it on hold, and it has to come back naturally, or it won't work. I am ready for anything, and if that includes the box thing, well it will. Maybe that is what this is supposed to teach us, to be ready for anything in life. I could do without the lesson thanks. There are other people, all friends on fab facebook and yoville, so I just don't go there and compete. I am going to let her get tired of these people, eventually all fads fade, maybe not this one, but, hey, there is no magic that keeps this together, it is work. So, off to work I go every day to make it better for my kids no matter if she says hi or bye or good morning or not. I get it, I'm not the compassionate rock star I was when we met. I actually grew up, became a man, made a family, and a home, and now I'm boring. Oh well, that's the way it is. Here is the kicker, she tells me to grow up all the time if I do somethin that annoys her. Oh well again.. Thanks guys I will let you know how anger managment goes tomorrow.     
   

[Faithful Father]

Hey man--fantasy trumps reality in the mind of the mentally ill EVERY time.

Don't short change God in all of this.  It's not His fault; we have free will, and your alien has decided to destroy herself, and therefore the family.  Are we perfect?  No.  Is there ANYTHING that we could have done to instigate a mother to destroy her own family?  Never.

[jimbonolongerinlimbo]

Not myself,

Keep working on yourself. You will become a better person for this if you have the right attitude. Find the positives and blessings in your life. You will get by this a day at a time

[fitzge]

Not Myself

From your posts, I think you know yourself very well.  I see in them someone who knows his strengths, his weakness, and realizes he is nowhere near the performance level, or at the love-of-life level he wants to be.  Your Posts very accurately describe where everyone single one of us was when we figured out infidelity was at play.  So, intellectually you have got it (you understand).  Emotionally, you are on the receiving end of a beat down.  Allow for the passage of time --- your intellect will triumph and the emotional component will take it's rightful place in the background.  Do not allow this ungrateful woman to rob your of the joy of living.

You are still early in the mess, but it appears you know where you are in the downward spiral, and you have a sense of where you want to go.  Take every opportunity to build (rebuild) on your strengths.  Doing one thing per day (at this stage) is pretty darn good.  I could barely navigate from the curled up position in the bed to the curled up position on the couch   Frankly, I think you are going to do just fine --- and turn yourself around much quicker than most of us did.  Finally, there is nothing wrong with growing up and accomplishing the tasks men are supposed to accomplish --- that's what men do.

[BBhelp 2.0]

Fitzge...I could not agree more.  Well said Man!

Not Myself:
Bud...your on a road you had no desire to be on...but you are there!  Just start walking...though the end may seem far away...there is an END.  The only way to get there...START WALKING!

You will do fine!  Day by Day...

Good Luck.

BB

[trying222]

Not Myself -

Some things that have not been talked about here for a long time, things that I often forget myself.

Going through an event like this, where you are literally forced to re-invent yourself, and the life you THOUGHT you were going to be living - out your days - will very likely cause a transformation in you.  It is easy for me to see now in the guys posting here who are divorced (Jim, crushed, Hurtman, etc.) That the past couple years have given them a

1. perspective on life
2. appreciation for life and relationships
3. new windows on faith and God
4. shed much of a prior focus on the material and having "things" - because all of the things in our life can pass away - quickly - as most of us have found out.
5. diminished our egos and the need to live a certain way, drive a certain car, or have a certain place in community to have happiness in our lives...

etc.

This will happen to you I believe Not Myself.  Little things won't get to you anymore.  Anger, resentment, blame, these words will disappear from your vocabulary.  My daughter asks if my GF and I are fighting because we often go long periods without seeing each other.  I tell her "daddy doesn't fight honey" - and I don't (never fought with my ex either - but I did used to play "games" and get resentful).  And she and her sister are figuring it out - I have changed.

So, enlightement doesn't happen very often without great suffering.  This is your opportunity to read (get The Shack), join some groups, explore your faith, shed the material, and become the real you - the you that is the joy under your pain right now.

Most of the guys here who are post divorce would tell you that WE ARE BETTER MEN now - and to an extent, it is because of THE EVENT.  We made lemonade from our lemons.  I'm still working on some issues - little things like being on time, spending more time with my girls, keeping a cleaner more tidy home for them, working on my career, etc., not overscheduling myself because I was "alone."

I saw half a movie the other day at the gym - "An Unfinished Life" with Robert Redford, Jennifer Lopez, and Morgan Freeman.  Freeman's character quietly tells Redford's character near the end of the movie "I'm not going to sit here and watch you pine for a life you think you SHOULD have had....."

That was an aha -

Then at the end, Freeman's character says "I had a dream I was flying - and miles above the earth, I could see that everything had a reason....."

T22

[Not myself]

TO All you great men,
   I had a good first session at anger management today, and the W well appreciated I was doing Something. I have a problem with failure, and because I was always successful, well, you know why I am on the road I'm on. I DEFINITELY did not want to be on this road, I had another one already built into my mind, but I am not so, I need to be thankful for what I do have, not what I feel I am supposed to have. I don't wish to be D but it could still happen like anything else could, I am becoming accepting of what I cannot change. I have to thank the opinions voiced here from good people who are re-inventing themselves. My Doc knew what I knew, I am severely Depressed, as my hobbies cause me no joy, nor time off or away. So, until I learn to like what I need to, I am nowhere near I need to be for myself, kids and W. I can see now somewhat clearly with help of course, my new path. I am not happy about this path, but it is my path that is chosen for me not by me. This is also discord within myself I have to accept. I know what I need to do, and that is get back to work, and prove to all the people screaming to me for the evil dollar, that all will be well but in my due time not theirs. I do have some financial issues, but nothing I can't fix. I am in some form of control, and this seems to have a calming effect on my W today. But as you all know sometimes life is minute by minute. I know this now. Thank you all and I will keep reading, writing, and posting to help others, as man, this was harder than burying my parents at a young age.