My road to Recovery...and Reconstruction

[BBhelp 2.0]

OK...

I keep getting PM'd about "What's my Story"...so I thought I would start putting it down in pieces. It is in NO WAY intended to be authoritative...or a road map to Reconstruction.  What it is...is how I got from betrayed and destroyed...to Strong & Independent...that is all.

My story is ending with the reconstruction of my marriage, to the love of my life, and I thank God for that everyday.  Is it perfect...Nope...it wasn't before either...but we are working on it.  But I think getting on an aggressive action based road...can expedite your own recovery...whether you are with your wife or not.  So...for this narrative...it ends well...but THIS MLC journey should end well for all of us...regardless of marriage resolution.

I hope this can help some of the many new guys here...struggling to find the footing to start down the right road.

BB 

[BBhelp 2.0]

Her Bomb...My Bomb...

My story begins like pretty much everybody else, ILYBINILWY speech.  She wanted to go out and talk...public place (what a surprise).  Tells me at this meeting that she is feeling trapped, unfulfilled, restless for accomplishment...and oh by the way...she drops the hint of...I have a "Crush" on someone.  Ok...I'm kind of spinning from all this when I get home...as a couple of days pass...I start comprehending what the hell she is saying...and BB Super Sleuth is born.  Takes me a couple of days to find out about Mr. Crush...so now I Want to go and TALK...she calls the police (S.O.P.).  They come over and she tells them she feels "Threatened" by me...that i am too angry...that she is scared.  What she failed to remember is that I know A LOT of policemen...and just took the opportunity to get her infidelity on the record.  The took reports and left...so did I. The kids are scared and call their grandfather and he comes over to check on us...I'm gone...but she starts the Verbal Vomit to him.  Tells him everything...including her exit plan...your gonna love this...I am going to build her a new house for her and the kids while I move in with my parents.  She will keep all the money and assets and she will continue to see her "Crush"...introduce him to the kids...and we will all just live together getting along supporting each other...for the good of the kids.  WOW...delusional...meet my wife!  My dad's response...does BB know about this...she says "No...but I'm sure he will play along"...he tells her Good luck with that, and calls me to come home.

I come home and she tells me all about Crush OM...admits to affair...give me some details...and her exit plan.  It took me about -1 second to tell her that not one damn thing in that plan would ever happen...but that I wanted her to stay.  I was lame and weak and lost.  The pain was worse than anything...you all know too well.  That was when I started doing about everything wrong...pleading, chasing, hoping...did it all.  No Sleep...just fixated.  That was when I found PP.

I met a guy named Pexio...who taught me how to go all OO7 on her ass...and I did.  I started snooping and searching the house and her car...found more than I wished i would.  Print outs of emails...pictures of the goofy looking fucker...and his NAME.  I was LIVID to see the depth of betrayal...and he depth of her sickness.  That night was the ME or HIM speech...she chose me and said she would stay and work on things.  The next day I called OM...and nicely asked him to stay away...no calls, no meetings...no e-mails...no nothing.  The scared little bitch just hung up.  So I thought I had hit the bottom. 

2 Days Later...then her real bomb hit!  I discovered e-mails to Crush OM...explaining how I had found out...how sorry she was...how worried she was for his safety...and apologizing or cheating...ON HIM!  WTF!  He was not "The OM"...he was OM #2...of 3!  She...in detail...explained each and every sick tryst to him...and why she had been with each guy...and how sorry she was she had hurt him...her one true love.  To say I lost it...could ever cover it.  I PM'd Wekin and asked him to call me and talk me through this...I could not stop shaking...I talked to him for about 30 minutes...he talked me into an aggressive course of action.  Step 1:  I Set up an appointment with the best Divorce attorney in town for the next day.  Step 2:  Had my 2 younger kids picked up by grandparents to get them out of the house.  My oldest son, who had already found out about her infidelity stayed in the house for a witness in case she called the police again.  Step 3...Printed off all the illicit bullshit...grabbed a suitcase...and went into battle.  Time to drop my NUKE.

I stormed the bedroom...handed her the suitcase...told her to get the hell out of my life...and not to look back.  She was stunned and scared...I started asking questions...she of course started lying...until I pulled out the papers...and went into her closet and tore out her Trophy Collection.  I proceeded to verbally take her apart...piece by piece...mocking her stupidity and choices.  When I was done...finally out of insults...I opened her suitcase and started filling it with her Trash...and her belongings.  She was then introduced to reality and consequences.
1.  We would not be friends...we would be ENEMIES...and that I would go to my grave making sure that she suffered like I had.
2.  That the kids would be with me...PERIOD!  That they were all old enough to tell a judge where they wanted to live...and once I was finished showing them her handiwork and history...they would obviously choose me.  that if she chose to fight me in anyway...my oldest would be happy to testify as to her mental capacity and current motherly abilities.
3.  That she was currently penniless...and could stay that way.  That if she planted her ass in her car I would report it stolen and notify the insurance carrier and lender that I was canceling policies and that I would NEVER make one further payment...so they could just pick it up.  That all bank accounts would be closed...and that I would bankrupt myself before I would pay her 1 dime in alimony.
4.  That I now knew all 3 of her OM's.  that each would be hauled into court for depositions and hearings.  That I was about to create the largest dog and pony show in history...and she would be the star.
5.  That the schools, the church, our friends and family would be notified by tomorrow evening of our impending divorce....and provide accurate details as to why.
There were probably more...I just don't remember anymore.  She was a puddle...literally holding onto my leg while I was walking out...begging for another chance.  3 Seconds to answer...Us or Them.  No maybe...no thinking about it...I had already told myself...slightest hesitation...DONE.  1 Second answer...US.

First...she had to call her "Love" and tell him to NEVER call again...ever.  Then I made her collect every trophy, paper, picture, anything...and fill a garbage bag.  I wanted it all gone.  We took it to the sewage treatment ponds...and put it where it belonged...with the other SHIT.  On the way home she was introduced to BOUNDARIES...
1. ANY Contact with OM's would be game over.  Any attempts by them had to be revealed to me immediately or it was game over.
2. She was to begin "Working" on the marriage...to repair what she had broken.
3. That this was an All In or All Out proposition...No Middle Ground...if she could not commit to that...game over.

Once we got home...The Detox began...

[pexio]

Awesome post brother.  I was thinking we old-timers should start a "lending library" of 007 stuff.  New guy shows up, we ship him off "the kit", he gets proof of the OM(s), then ships it back - then off to the next guy...   

PS.  Make a small addition to this thread title:   "My road to Recovery..and Reconstruction or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb" 

PPS.  You left out the best part for obvious reasons.   

[Gary]

Great post BB!

Shock and awe! Wow!

That's the way to do it...................... Fantasy land blown to bits!

[Faithful Father]

I think it's also important to cite that while this aggressive approach worked for BB, an equal variable in all of this is that his alien had a soft-enough heart to change. 

Other aliens already have the hardened heart and the toxic support system to sustain the fantasy.  No amount of shock and awe will make a dent in that...  Ultimately, the choice for positive change lies in the hands of the alien and the alien alone.

***Please refer to my reply post below***

[pexio]

I think it's also important to cite that while this aggressive approach worked for BB, an equal variable in all of this is that his alien had a soft-enough heart to change.

It "worked" for BB because he was determined to SURVIVE his wife's Mid-Life-Crisis REGARDLESS of the outcome.  There seems to be the continuous debate as to whether tough love will "get your wife back".  That's never been the focus of tough love and never will be.  It's about SURVIVAL, not saving your marriage. 

Yes, this process has the side benefit of providing the best path to reconciliation but that benefit is SECONDARY.  Too many guys FIXATE on the outcome and not their own SURVIVAL.  Another of the many paradoxes of MLC:  the more you think about how to save your marriage, the less successful you will be.

In a recent post, feelingmn said:

...If you look around there are only a few of us here who made it through this storm with our marriages intact.  I would state that one of the defining principals behind this is that we all moved to a point relatively rapidly (after going through everything you currently are) where we told the alien, "Hey you know what, I'm through with your bullshit.  I am jettisoning you from my life and I will be OK.  We won't be friends, we will barely be acquaintances because I have no room in my life for someone who has treated me the way you have.....buh bye."

You can adopt this process, this mindset now and be further along in surviving this crap or you can wait and do nothing.  But you WILL adopt this mindset and take these actions SOONER OR LATER.  Why not spare yourself a lot a pain (and increase the chances of reconciliation) by taking BOLD action now?  When you've got nothing (in your marriage), you've got nothing to lose.

[BBhelp 2.0]

Step 2: Detox & Burning Bridges:

My Shock & Awe anger had set tough consequences and stiff boundaries.  To say that this “She chose me” Moment was ready for Hallmark…not quite.  It was an ugly, painful thing.  She looked better after 20 hours of childbirth than after that night.  She looked wretched.  So she retreated to her sanctuary…her bedroom…and started the process of detoxing this mlc/om shit from her system.

While she checked into her room…I checked out the OM’s.  Time to take out the trash!  She had 3 assholes for me to deal with…and 1 professor who had destroyed her self confidence and hurt her career...and of course her toxic friend.  So I called in some favors with the right people…and quickly learned all that I needed to know about all of my assholes!  Time for us to meet!

Ahole #1…Too Easy!  Trapped his worthless ass into meeting some prospective new FWB.  POS sent me pics, phone numbers, his address…what an IDIOT!  Well he met his NEW FRIEND…ME.  After this walking pustule stopped shitting himself…he worked up a little courage…and decided to choose the “Or Else” portion of my program.  Unfortunately for him …this POS lost his Job, his Wife, and his child in the “Or Else” phase.  You picked the wrong Friend asshole.

Ahole #2…Mr. wonderful…her Love of a lifetime!  What a piece of work this guy was.  6’5” of the goofiest looking idiot you have ever seen.  Holy shit woman…were you BLIND?  Well…leading this pecker to his New Friend was not difficult…and it found us in the mall.  And as Pex alluded to…One of my funnest days.  This fool just kept walking back and forth in the mall hallways…with me next to him spewing the most horrific insults I could think of…Mr. Goofy took 30 minutes of solid abuse…offering “I’m not doing this”  as his only defense while he sniveled and sniffed.  On 2 occasions he tasted floor & wall when the words “Slut” & “Whore” left his lips.  In the end he was crying to the Service Desk clerk to call the police and save him.  She refused…you see, her MLC husband had just got done leaving her for another woman.  Thank you Karma!  He had a female mall cop escort him to his car…so that big bad BB wouldn’t beat his ass some more.

He sent my wife a lame e-mail telling her I was crazy…and that if I came near him again…he’d have me thrown in jail.  Wow…was I scared.  Since my friends in the Police & Sheriff’s departments were already made aware of my needs when it came to him…as long as I didn’t kill him…I was good.  He disappeared for a while…but like a good cockroach…he came back.  More about that later.

Ahole #3:  Met this fat disgusting pig at my new favorite haunt…the MALL…when my new best friend was working!  This one was too easy.  After he came to understand that I would ruin not just him…but that his family and children would meet me with photos of dads work…that I would simply END the life he once knew.  He ran away like a scalded dog.  Never heard from again.

Ahole #4:  The Hack Professor!  Nothing sexual or MLC here…just a little prick who used his power to bully my wife, mock her work, and ruin her self esteem when it came to her talents.  Other professionals in her field have praised her work and skill…countless numbers of them…but this little man, was jealous, scared, and mean.  Meet Mr. BB!  I found him in his office…demanded all her past work…gave him written warning about publishing or discussing her work...and overall we dealt with his issues.  He issued her an apology…and the last time I saw his sorry ass…it was crying at his computer.

OK…List complete.  I had become some sort of Avenging Angel Bully from Hell.  I dealt with her toxic friend during this period as well…told her that her lifestyle…and my connections would meet if I saw her again…and that I was sure the ladies in prison would love to “Hang” with her too.  She believed me and disappeared.  Part of what made this like shooting fish in a barrel…was that all the time she was running around…she had always told these fools that…”BB will END YOU if he finds out”.  Oh sweetie, you know me so well.  But IMO…its also what drives these sick perverts…the thrill of the chase…the danger…the forbidden love…How f’ing lame can you be?  Anyways…She was RIGHT!

But UNDERSTAND…this was not about just her…this was about MY FAMILY.  These losers were affecting the lives of my family…putting them at risk…and there is no limit to what I would do to protect them.  And if she wanted to join that crew…that world…she could line up in my cross hairs as well.  I guess I passed that on…that there would very simply be no place on this planet where I could not reach them…no amount of time or money I wouldn’t spend to ensure that they lived a life from hell…and that I would destroy them without a thought…if they chose to interrupt this family’s healing process.

All but One idiot believed me!  This tested my sense of boundaries…and my ability to fulfill promised consequences….and it freed me to ruin his life, like he had mine.

She detoxed for at least 3 weeks…never left her room.  She barely moved…didn’t eat, take care of herself…nothing.  Just sat there…and raged like a tiger in the zoo.  Spit venomous shit at me and the kids…trying to bait me into fights or discussions of my expectations.  It was so creepy…she reminded me of the exorcist movie…I was just waiting for the pea soup puke.  She was honestly scary to look in the eye at this point…I have seen crazy.  When it got too bad…she simply got “Goodnight Hun”.  Sometimes it was Goodnight at 9am…but I tried very hard to stay disengaged.  I simply began working on me…I started exercising…not for weight loss…35 lbs in 3 weeks was Falling Off me…the MLC Diet Plan!  But running helped me a lot.  I plugged in some pissed off music and ran until I felt calm again.  It was quiet…it was solitary…it was healing.  I used the anger and hate to fuel my own recovery…to make detachment easier and easier…to break free of the fog I was muddled in.  It really helped me.
I have learned that detaching from this sickness is paramount for your own survival…trying to hang on to her when she was falling apart…was killing me.  When I started being able to just check out…and say…Goodnight Hun…it meant so much more to me than goodnight…it meant I’m DONE!  I got better and better at being DONE…and that freed me to get better. 

I also learned that cutting off the problem at the source is the key…eliminating escape routes, sympathetic losers, and shining LIGHT on all this Dark Secret World…sends all the rats running.  Her family, and mine were informed of what was happening…as they knew something horrible was happening.  My eldest prayed for the day he could unload on his mother…but I would not let him.  My youngest 2 kids were told mom was sick…and it was true.  My youngest D was confused and scared to be near her.  My middle son just understood “Sick” to mean temporary insanity…and stayed away from the vortex from hell.  There were no more secrets…no more hidden agendas…no more BB covering for her troubles and insecurities…just the LIGHT of TRUTH.  The kids and I just dug in…and survived the storm. 

IMO affairs must ALWAYS be exposed to the light of reality…it is the real world that kills the fantasy one.  To allow someone to continue to hide, cheat, and lie is to invite your own misery.  Your old life has blown up in your face, and there is NOTHING you can do bout that…stop worrying about what this might “Look Like” to the neighbors, friends, family  and teachers…or what “They Might Think”…believe me…THEY ALREADY KNOW something is UP.  Take the offensive…there is no hiding this illness once it is exposed to the world.  Either she will run wild until she inevitably crashes…or she will start the detox period immediately…like mine did.  Blowing up fantasy island left mine with no escape from reality…all the fantasy OM’s were run off…toxic friend…see ya…Friends & Family will only accept 100% effort at saving her marriage…they would NEVER accept her OM or MLC Lifestyle...if not for her or I…but for her kids.  She had no where left to run…so she bunkered in and purged the shit from her veins.

[feelingmn]

I think it's also important to cite that while this aggressive approach worked for BB, an equal variable in all of this is that his alien had a soft-enough heart to change. 

Other aliens already have the hardened heart and the toxic support system to sustain the fantasy.  No amount of shock and awe will make a dent in that...  Ultimately, the choice for positive change lies in the hands of the alien and the alien alone.

This couldn't be a more backwards statement.  I almost feel like you posted this to make a point, counter to what you are really posting.

At least, I hope so.

The point is not to change the alien.  The point it to take control of the situation, establish VERY firm boundaries and enforce them.

This is not done to punish or attempt to control the alien but rather to assert control over your own life and get on with living.

It's for you, not her and this is why you hold all the cards.

[Faithful Father]

I think it's also important to cite that while this aggressive approach worked for BB, an equal variable in all of this is that his alien had a soft-enough heart to change. 

Other aliens already have the hardened heart and the toxic support system to sustain the fantasy.  No amount of shock and awe will make a dent in that...  Ultimately, the choice for positive change lies in the hands of the alien and the alien alone.

This couldn't be a more backwards statement.  I almost feel like you posted this to make a point, counter to what you are really posting.

At least, I hope so.

The point is not to change the alien.  The point it to take control of the situation, establish VERY firm boundaries and enforce them.

This is not done to punish or attempt to control the alien but rather to assert control over your own life and get on with living.

It's for you, not her and this is why you hold all the cards.

Ok--hold the phone.  I guess I mis-represented...

My concern is that some might try to see BB's posts as a 'how to' manual to foster recon...

My only point was to suggest that *both* parties have to actively *want*, *sacrifice* and (essentially submit) for and to recon.  And since we cannot control the hearts and minds of other people, there's no amount of shock-and-awe that will.

Of course I agree with drawing enforceable boundaries and the tenets of personal change.  At this point, I believe that (on some very real level), the MLC *wants* to destroy the LBS.  So of course I whole heatedly support any legal and ethical measure to empower the LBS into a better place.  The 'shock-and-awe' bravado is definitely one way of doing that, as it's drawing a line in the sand for the LBS (as well as the MLC, as byproduct). 

But for those who are still in a relative state of denial, and are subconsciously looking for a formula to get their aliens into recon, my point was to post that there is no strategy that can control the alien's heart and mind.  I was unclear and ineloquent.  So if I may try again--the alien is dead weight to us.  Because we are dead to them, they ought be dead to us.  So whatever is done, is ultimately done for our benefit, and not theirs.  And dreams of recon best be thrown out, as that's entirely beyond our control.

Better?

[Bystander]

This brings up a very salient point.

Christine's book is not called, "How to Get Your Midlife Wife Back" -- it's called:
'HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR WIFE'S MIDLIFE CRISIS'

There's a reason for that.

While it only takes one person to destroy a marriage, it takes TWO to keep it together/put it back together.

Every newbie comes looking on here for advice on how to SAVE their marriage.
If there is an OM (even if it's just an EA), the answer is that you must first DESTROY the existing marriage.

But to Faithful's point, the SHOCK & AWE tactics work better EARLY ON in the process than later on.

Let me go back to my cancer analogy (now famously preserved in Pexio's "Bystander's Words of Wisdom" thread  )

Cancer is most curable when it's caught in its earliest stages.
By the time you get to stage 3 or 4 with many cancers, the survival rates are very, very low.
That's why EARLY DETECTION is the key.
But more important than early detection is EARLY INTERVENTION.
It's not enough for an oncologist to see an abnormal polyp in the colon and say, "Hmm. That looks suspicious."
No ... they dive in deeper. They do a colonoscopy. Then they usually go in and remove it. And then they biopsy it.

Guys: If you're getting a warning signal from your Wives (ILYBINILWY, missing rings, secrecy with the cell phone, "you deserve someone better"), THE CANCER IS ALREADY PRESENT! Early intervention (see BB's CHEMOTHERAPY & RADIATION ATTACK METHOD, above) may help stop the spread of the cancer. It MAY bring about remission (after a LONG period of "treatment" and time).

But if you see the mole on your face and just watch it grow & fester ... it WILL eventually leach into the system & spread.
That's what happens with MLC women.

They are TESTING YOU!!!
You know what? My SIL was EXPECTING to get her a$$ chewed and get thrown out of the house when she admitted to "inappropriate" e-mails with the OM. She was shocked when she wasn't, and it made her think (THESE ARE HER ACTUAL WORDS): That my brother was "OKAY WITH IT" ... because he didn't scream, shout, get ANGRY, and throw things!!
(Like most of you guys, he was shocked, but reacted in disbelief ... and reassured her (not in so many words, but by NOT throwing her out immediately) that he "TRUSTED HER."

Big mistake.

When you find out you have CANCER, you MUST act aggressively. Or it will spread.
It's the same with the infidelity that comes with MLC. If you don't act decisively RIGHT AWAY (setting boundaries, finding out if she's IN/OUT), then the illness will continue to grow.

An EA, if found but not destroyed, eventually WILL become a PA (if not with that guy, with another).
And these affairs (EA or PA) will cause her to question her connection with YOU, if she develops feelings for another.
And we all know where THAT leads.

Shock and awe are NOT meant to bring about reconciliation (although that CAN be a result) -- they are meant to BEGIN TREATING THE CANCER... and, ultimately, that will help YOU survive your wife's midlife crisis.

[Roger Wilco]

 At this point, I believe that (on some very real level), the MLC *wants* to destroy the LBS.  So of course I whole heatedly support any legal and ethical measure to empower the LBS into a better place.  The 'shock-and-awe' bravado is definitely one way of doing that, as it's drawing a line in the sand for the LBS (as well as the MLC, as byproduct). 

On many levels, they do want the LBS to unhappy.  In the craziest of all crazy conversations I had with STBX, she attempted justify some shocking behavior by saying "For the first time in a year, I want you to be happy.  Shouldn't that just be enough for me to get XXXXX?"  Uh, thanks for finally admitted you hate me being happy but that doesn't get you XXXX.

In my situation, my STBX is/was not strong enough to split us up properly.  Instead, she put up a series of walls to prevent a happy marriage in hopes I'd quit trying to climbing them all.  She got what she wanted but it made my life hell and she knew she was doing it.

Oddly enough, as soon as she got her separation she quickly turned into a person who wanted to have fun with me.  By then, though, she had 2+ affairs so I wasn't so interetest.

[feelingmn]

But for those who are still in a relative state of denial, and are subconsciously looking for a formula to get their aliens into recon, my point was to post that there is no strategy that can control the alien's heart and mind.  I was unclear and ineloquent.  So if I may try again--the alien is dead weight to us.  Because we are dead to them, they ought be dead to us.  So whatever is done, is ultimately done for our benefit, and not theirs.  And dreams of recon best be thrown out, as that's entirely beyond our control.

Better?

Yes.  I think it was a point that needed clarification.

One thing I can state with certainty is neither BB or I behaved like we did to prompt recon.  We did it for self-preservation.

I went so far as to quit making her car payments and letting her vehicle get repoed.  I told the bank where to find it.  The phone converstion from her after she walked out to the parking lot and found it gone asking where it was is a hall of famer.  I literally giggled like a child when I hung up from that one.  I hadn't had that much fun in months.

Sorry lady, I guess even in teenage ho fantasy camp cars aren't free.  Maybe you can get one of your 'friends' to drive you around.

[BBhelp 2.0]

Let me clarify...I am IN NO WAY saying this is how you get to recon...this is how I FOUND PEACE...and in the end...My Wife.  But if I had ended up without her...if she relapsed today...I would be JUST FINE!  I am content...I have survived and thrived...that is all.  This is no magic formula...nor anything original...Just one Pissed Off...Head Strong...Asshole who was "Mad as Hell and was not going to take it anymore". 

I always Hoped we would make it...especially in the beginning. Like everyone here when they start down this road...Marriage Preservation is Job 1.  As you progress down the road...SELF Preservation becomes Job 1.  Look at the guys on this board that have truly Moved On...there is no more anger...no more Why Me...no more alien dissections...or sleepless nights.  There is just LIFE...and we are living it!

This 10 mile narrative is simply to try and show new guys what worked for me...what it looked like...felt like.  So they stop reading too much into what they hope is their "One Chance".  For guys like Mav who are struggling through Recon...for guys like Angel, that soon will have tough decisions to make.  For JD and Allrighty for the road they are coming to...It is simply meant to be a reference from this hellish journey...in the hopes that it can save ONE GUY...just one moment more of Limbo Hell! 

I'm sorry it is so long...

[BBhelp 2.0]

Step 3:  Detox Complete…Guilt & Reality…and my Own Damn MLC!


She actually appreciated my avenging angel tactics…I think she felt like I was helping her shut the doors to the past.  I truly believe…with all my heart…that all of these women…want to escape from the HELL they are in…they simply do not know the way.  By me clearing the road of debris and obstacles…she had but one way to go…Home.  During one of her “Bursts of Conscience” that followed detox…she confided that she always knew that somehow I would stop all of this…that she knew I could never live in that world.

I call her awakening “Bursts”…because she would be normal, lucid, happy…for short periods of time.  During these bursts…her eyes would soften…her face would untangle…and I would see glimpses of my wife.  These moments started 5 Minutes at a time…maybe once a day.  Rare occurrences.  The rest of the time I left her alone…did my own thing.  We would do very few things as a family…then return home for her to hide in her room. 

Her attitude improved very slowly…but to be honest…I tried not to care.  I just kept busy…took care of the kids and the house…and RAN…A LOT.  She complained about my “I hate Wife Music”…to which the answer was…Oh…goodnight hun!  Detachment got a whole lot easier with more practice.  It was during this time I started releasing the worry of her leaving…and embracing my own independence.  It was then I wrote on PP about my heart shaped rock…and how it symbolized my feelings…my heart.  How I found this amazing rock while we were walking on the beach…and my initial reaction was to give it to her…as a way of showing her that I still loved her, and wanted to give her my heart.  Then how during one of her more lucid, heartfelt sadness and remorse filled moments…when she was telling me how much she wanted to fix what she had done…that I couldn’t give it to her.  I just carried the damn thing around for weeks…it was MINE…think Golum…and the Precious!  I had finally broken her hold on me…I was finally…JUST ME!

One of the questions I always get…is how do you KNOW…she is getting better…How do you know…She is ALL IN.  During this time…she started doing small actions…meant consciously or unconsciously to help me.  She stayed home…always…so I would never have to wonder where she was.  Next she gave up her phone…so I wouldn’t wonder what she was doing or texting.  She would bitch and complain everytime she would give something up…called herself my prisoner when she was in a bad place…but I always told her that she was free to go anywhere she wanted…anytime…but that I was 1 & Done at this point.  IMO…she didn’t TRUST HERSELF…so she locked herself away…cut herself off…then raged against me for having to!  But her ACTIONS spoke louder then her words.  During this period...you really do deal with Conscience Wife and Unconscious Wife...you will see her say one thing and do the opposite...only this time...In the Right Direction!  Deep inside her...she wanted to find her way out...but the MLC fights tooth and nail to stay.

There would be times I would find things…right or wrong…that I felt were what I called trophies.  Little remembrances of her fantasy world.  I would always try nicely to guide her into disposal…she always complied…but never happily…and always with the Prisoner talk. 

Reality slowly crept in…and the crushing guilt came with it.  So she would range from pissed to pitiful on any given day.  Living with it was exhausting…simply trying to keep the kids out of the lines of fire, and maintain my sanity became full time jobs.

It was in this phase that I truly believe she hit bottom.  During one bout of extreme depression and pissed off prisoner talk…she said that she should just leave…and take the kids and go start over somewhere else.  Que Michael Corleone…”Did you think that I would EVER allow you to take my children from me…that I would not use all my skills, all my resources against you…to make sure that would NEVER happen”.  SHE FREAKED…I mean HYSTERICAL Freaked…started screaming to my daughter that “Daddy wants to take you away from me” at the top of her lungs…my oldest heard the ruckus and ran to collect my daughter and get her away from this sudden lunatic.  I left her pulling her hair beating her chest screaming like a wounded animal and ran to my daughter…I took her from the house…my son insisted on staying…in my panic…I let him.

This was his chance…he was going to confront the beast head on.  He stormed into her room and found that Exorcist creature again.  She asked if he could believe that “Dad would steal my children from me”.   To which he replied “He is not stealing us…you gave us away when you chose to run around with losers and act like a 16 year old slut instead of being a wife and my mother”.  They stood in stunned silence for a moment until she composed herself with “that is between your father and I…it has nothing to do with you and is none of your business”.  He walked out of the room saying “It became my business when you CHOSE to hurt my father, when you CHOSE to stop being OUR MOTHER.  It IS my business…and I will never allow you to have Son2 and Daughter…I will fight you in court if I have to…Dad has always been there for us…and you destroyed him.  Get over yourself…or get out”.  All this from her 20 year old, soft spoken, shy, sweet son…she melted.

When I got home…I found the puddle that was my wife back in her bed…almost catatonic.  She had vomited in her bed, on her clothes…everywhere.  I let her sit in it!  The ACTUAL…YOU MADE THIS BED…NOW SLEEP IN IT!  The next morning she left the house for the first time on her own…with a briefcase over her shoulder.  She came back an hour later…raging again…”THERE…its ALL GONE…I destroyed my computer, everything…I threw it all in the lake so it is gone forever…so now you are stuck with me…no more past for me…no more fun ever”.  Stomped up to her room and regressed to catatonic again for at least a week.  I cannot even fathom what seeing hatred in the eyes of your child must feel like...what damage that must do to any parent...let alone one who was so close to her son before.  It was BOTTOM...no mistake.


Living with this was taking a toll on all of us…my weight continued to drop…thanks to no sleep…heightened senses…and running like a mad man.  The kids were starting to break…This was the worst stage to live through…as a Father.  Seeing her tear apart the kids…and not understand what she was doing…killed me.  My dainty beautiful wife swore like a sailor…dressed like a hobo…and raged like some sort of Psych patient.  As BB…it strengthened me…it is amazing what looking into the eye of the devil does for detachment!  The lower she sunk…the better I got.  To the point where I started to seriously wonder…”What if I am stuck with Her”? Started thinking about wouldn’t it be easier to just start over with someone new…that I had never been REALLY Happy with her had I…That after all this…I deserved to go out and have some NSA fun…to get even…I started questioning my life, my goals, my place…and…SON OF A BITCH…I was having my own Damn MLC!

IMO once the worry of “If" she will stay is satisfied…we begin to shift into the “WHY” phase…which leads to the “FAIR” thing that just plain kicks your ass!  You begin to start keeping score…all her faults…all her sins…all I have done…all I have put up with…until you reach the point of…”THIS IS SO DAMN ONE SIDED & UNFAIR…That she either gets better RIGHT NOW…or I am Out Of Here!  I was so busy counting what I didn’t have…what I wanted instead of being thankful for what already was.  I fixated on expecting progress by leaps and bounds instead of appreciating the slow & steady progress that she was making.  Honest to God…without FeelingMN, Bystander and Sim…I would have completely lost it…thrown it away.  I think MN & Bystander thought I lost my mind…because I think I did.  Thanks Guys & Gal…you saved me from myself.

Once you go through that MLC Moment...when you actually feel the pulling forces of good and evil...you see and understand just how slippery of a slope we are all on.  You begin to appreciate how easy it is in that fog...to lose your way.  If I would have had Toxic friends instead of good ones...if I would not known the warning signs and triggers of MLC...if I would have let myself go...just once...I would have fallen down the exact same hole!  So am I a better person than my wife...or did I just get lucky by having the right friends at the right time.  It was my moment to see the other side of this mess.

I got myself back together…so did she…so we thought since we had scarred the children enough…we would take a road trip with them…get out of the house…take a break…just relax.  It seemed like a good idea for a fresh start…

[Bystander]

The self-MLC part is the one that most guys in recon don't expect.
It was Dr. Pittman's book, "Private Lies" that prepared me to expect that for guys in recon...
The "It's Not Fair" part of it is VERY real.