My road to Recovery...and Reconstruction

[Doc Martin]

I think the presence of offspring who are old enough to have an opinion and express this is very helpful.

In my wifes MLC delusional mind she thought that I was just going to happily let her go with half my worldly goods and the kids were 'going to be fine with it because they want me to be happy'.

The first crunch came when she realised that although I loved her and wanted her to stay I wasnt about to be walked all over and her days of happy unfettered access to our joint resources was immediately and permanently over.

The second and most critical was when we all went out as a family so she could 'have a last meal together and explain it all to them' when the grown up children in turn expressed their outrage and utter contempt for what she was planning and made it very clear that they were definitely on my side- she was left in a blubbering hysterical heap in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

[BBhelp 2.0]

Step 4:   Status Quo…a Dangerous Time:

Another sign of her returning to normal…was the spending of her “Run Away” fund (And believe me…if there is air where you live…there IS a Run Away Fund).   We decided that getting from home with the kids would be a good thing.  My oldest was home for his last summer at home…so we thought it was a good opportunity.  Money was an issue…and the planned trip would have to be shortened…when low and behold…she came out with a wad of cash…the trip was on.

We went east through 12 states, saw Washington DC, and the east coast.  We spent a month on the road travelling.  The kids had the time of their lives.  Mom & Dad were not fighting for once…we always travelled a lot before…so this was “Normal” for the kids.

During this period…we settled into a very static relationship.  She was getting more and more “Normal Mom” everyday…by the end of the trip the kids even commented that it was nice to have Mom back.  She was starting to “Re-Attach” to the family unit…being Mom again.  I enjoyed seeing this side of her again…but also found it VERY Frustrating as well.  Because to see her begin to re-attach to the kids so easily made her seem More Distant TO ME.

During a trip to Mt. Rushmore in SD later that summer with her family…she really began to re-attach to her father and brothers as well.  She laughed easily…smiled often…was steadily becoming the wonderful mother she had always been.  To the point that NOW…the kids were bucking under the fact that Mom threw down RULES again.  Again…the more she emerged…the more frustrated I got.

At home…things got back to normal…she began cooking…and cleaning…taking care of everyone.  She continued to work on herself…identifying triggers and avoiding them.  For example…she found that listening to certain music triggered “Feelings” and memories…so she stopped listening to music…Period.  She refused to drive her MLC Mobile Porsche…and eventually just let it go.  The sex kitten dress was replaced with overly demure choices.  She let the few grey hairs slip into her hair.  We had an uneasy peace…I was growing more and more frustrated in my ever growing selfishness.  Hell she even re-attached to the damn CATS…but for me it was still just arms length.  Bursts of my wife would peak in…an occasional I love you BB…hugs were more regular…but there was just no “Connection”…and it was really getting to me. 

Looking back…I was pretty miserable to be around…WAY to intense…Drastically Unrealistic Expectations!  If I would have looked at the Big Picture…of compare her Now versus 3 months ago…Night and Day Difference.  But I always compared Now…With Pre MLC…Impossible comparison.  And it drove me away…and her too.  She obviously FELT my unease and stress…it was tough to miss.  I know she knew she was disappointing me…but she did not yet have that in her…so she felt more like a failure…and started to pull away from me…that made me more angry…so I pulled away from her…which made her feel worse….you see how this goes.

At the end of the summer we went to Vegas & California with everyone.  I was honestly a walking ticking time bomb.  She was making great strides with our kids…honestly…she was back to normal….maybe better than before…she was trying to slowly get involved with the kids schools…was even able to be around my parents again.  (Her shame was so strong…she couldn’t even look at them without bursting into tears)  We were headed in different directions.  My mind could not understand how she could re-attach to everyone…BUT ME!  I took that on an amazingly personal level.  Even though I had read the re-attachment stuff…about how the spouse is always last…I couldn’t stop feeling slighted.

We were back to barely speaking at times…honestly…mostly my fault.  I was very intense with my own worldly stresses of losing millions of dollars to an embezzling partner…losing my 3 Homes…cars…everything.  My self esteem was SHOT!  I was so low…I was bottoming out…she could see it…my old wife would have been there to pick me up…tell me everything was going to be ok…but this version just looked at me with sad eyes…like she knew the train wreck that I had become…was her fault…but was still clueless as to how to fix. 

The worst was yet to come.

[BBhelp 2.0]

Hey Mav…are you listening…this is such a truly dangerous time in Reconstruction.  You tell yourself not to set your expectation too high…and do it anyway.  It starts such a negative cycle…it pulls you apart. 

The one thing that I have learned through all of this…is that they re-attach to the kids and parents so quickly is because they welcome them with love…not distrust.  They may have scared the kids…insulted the parents…neglected both…but she never BETRAYED them…she never hurt them LIKE THAT.  So when they see Mom or Daughter return…they welcome them with open arms…and feel the love given in return.

With us…they feel pain, resentment, distrust, and true anguish.  And they know THEY CAUSED IT!  So our sadness cues more guilt & shame in them.  You are connected in this dangerous dance…and cannot stop hurting each other long enough to help each other. 

I have learned that LOVE IS AN ACTION…Not a Feeling!  When we are “In Love”…we give love and receive it back.  It can be big things…little things…physical things…emotional things.  You GAVE Love…that is why YOU FELT LOVE.  When she disappeared into MLC land…she stopped Giving Love…So in return…I stopped Giving Love back…thus…she didn’t “Feel In Love” anymore.  When she started messing around with other men…flirting like a school girl and acting like a tramp…guess what she was GIVING Love…so in return she felt IN LOVE!  This IMO…leads to the ILYBINILWY!

So when we were in this stage…NEITHER of us…were Giving Love.  In my “Fair” mindset…”She Broke it…She can Fix it”…so I EXPECTED her to make the first move.  To HER…I was still “Mad at her…hated her…was only staying with her for the sake of the kids”.  Think of it like magnets…Love pulls you together…or pushes you apart.

My inability to let it go at that point…was killing the process.  I wanted to 0-60 in 1 second.  I was tired, lonely, and pissed.  And unwilling to let myself GIVE Anything…I was still convinced that was her job.

Don’t let those unrealistic expectations…and negative cycles drag you down.  Because NOW…once I finally let all the shit go…I can Give & Receive!

Good Luck.

BB

[simracer88]

BB,
 Awesome posting, great insight to what recon really is and how it really works.
I could not of explained it any better as a matter of fact, YOU offered many explainations to many feelings i am going through or went through. Keep up the good fight brother we are rooting for you.
 And remember i'm following your steps.

                                                                   Sim,

[Screaming01]

As far as expectations. You'll get what you need in time. We are at the point of being able to talk about what happened without any blame or malice. We were looking at photos from July 08. One of our best vacations. Well. One particular picture stood out. It was the picture I gave the PI. My friend. She looked at me and said that was before she went crazy. For some reason hearing that from her really made me feel good.

[BBhelp 2.0]

Step 5:  Regression…and FREEDOM!

Things were getting worse…stress was getting high…it was an uncomfortable situation for everyone…the kids were being affected…they told grandparents that we fought all the time…when in all actuality we rarely did.  But you could cut the tension with a knife…they obviously felt it as well.

Then came the next bomb in the road.  My wife had herself a STALKER!  Guess who…yep Loverboy from the mall had come back to play.  She finally confessed to all that she knew about…she had kept it from me for 2 months.  Even admitted that she sent him a birthday gift of “coasters from Vegas” 2 months back.  MUSHROOM CLOUD!

She admitted everything…no contact from directly…none from her to him.  She was getting strange e-mails from fake people…and worse…he had bugged her phone and more.  She was frantic to get rid of this mess…and wanted me to help.  Ummmm…how about NO!  You want to play in the gutter…than live with the cockroaches!  This is ANOTHER MESS…That YOU MADE! 

The actions by this pervert….gave me all I needed to take care of his worthless ass.  I cannot…go into details of how this was accomplished…I admit to doing absolutely nothing…I have no effect on local, state and federal law enforcement officials…and the prosecution of sex offenders.  Wasn’t ME!

As for her...I was finished.  It was that very simple act of betrayal…The birthday gift…that sealed the deal.  There was no communication…there was no connection…there was nothing past that one simple gift of COASTERS (Believe me I checked).  It wasn’t the f’ing coasters…it was that she had lied…about HIM…concealed her actions…and betrayed me again. 

That was IT.  She received the very real token of my anger…details of the separation and divorce agreement.  Won’t go into all the details, but the basics…Kids Mine, she gets visitation every other weekend…She keeps her jewelry and stuff…I get the rest.  Spousal Support…$0.00…but I was kind enough to waive child support from her…before she could have an overnight with the kids, she had to undergo psychological evaluation…and maintain treatment to continue overnights…and that NEVER…repeat NEVER could my kids be within 1000 yards of Prince Pervert!  If she signed it…that was it…if she didn’t, well than EVERYONE was about to meet my MLC Wife…her actions…her “Friends”…her Greatest Hits collection!

She tried to bargain…tried to reason with me…tried to change my mind.  NOPE.  Through all of this we BOTH came to life changing realizations. 
HER:  That this “Love of a Lifetime” was a sick twisted pervert…and that the very the very thought of that time with him…NOW repulsed her…she finally SAW…her eyes WERE FINALLY OPEN!  No more Fantasy Land...just the reality of some ugly pervert and his invasion of our lives.
ME:  That I was ending what I thought was the most important thing in my life…and I WAS FINE WITH IT!  I finally understood…I didn’t NEED HER anymore.  The months of anger/rage/resentment & detachment had finally taken hold.  I was FREE!  I would be Just Fine…ALONE.

As a week passed with her reality hitting like a hammer…and mine feeling better and better…My FIL staged an intervention.  He made us talk…asked that we go try MC…at least once…and begged for forgiveness for starting all of this mess all those years ago.  (His own MLC/A’s…followed by her Mom’s MLC/A)

I agreed to go once.  Nothing earth shattering…but we did talk about her actions…and the consequences associated with ALL of them.  Her saddest moment was when I asked her “Did you ever think of your kids through all this?  You obviously never thought of me…but did you ever consider THEM in your FUN time…did you think about what this what this would teach our daughter about women, marriage, commitment…how that would ruin her for the rest of her life.  How you are teaching her sons to let their significant others belittle them.  That her foolish action of a gift had brought on new consequences that threatened the safety of my family.  That SHE ALONE had not only ruined the life I had hoped for…but ruined 3 generations past us.  For the 1st time…these words were not only HEARD…but UNDERSTOOD.  She just sobbed and kept saying "I don't know how I could do those things...I'm so sorry".  It was a heavy weight…and she crumbled.  To say what she exhibited was remorse…is the understatement of the year. Reality was here to stay.

I stayed pretty much NC for a while…but I found myself FINALLY feeling Better.  Not because of Recon or Divorce…Just LIGHTER.  Like a great weight had been lifted…and suddenly, my pissed off Metallica music didn’t hit home anymore.  My fog lifted…so did the anger…I felt like I needed to get back with God.  I had abandoned my faith through this…I guess I was mad at him too.  But finally…I was ready to open up again.

My life changing chat…came with a priest that I always liked…it lasted less than 5 minutes.  I told ALL that had gone wrong in my life…My Marriage…My Son…My Financial Mess…and told him where I was at…that I was ready to be Done…I had done all I would do to save my wife…that my son was fixing himself…and that now that the idiot the ruin me financially was in jail…I was finished with everyone.  He looked at me and said…will you pray with me?  I said yes…and we prayed the Lord’s prayer together…after that he continued…”Lord, let BB understand the words that he just prayed…let him forgive others trespasses as you forgive his trespasses…do not judge him so harshly as to never forgive a mistake by a loved one…no matter the size.  Open his heart, cleanse his mind, and let him see the blessings that he has…not what he THINKS he has lost. Amen”.  He shook my hand, and said “remember BB…to be loved by anyone…you must allow yourself to be loved.  Have you let yourself be open to love…or are you Done with that too?”  Told me God Bless and sent me on my way. 

Holy Head Spinners Batman!  And THAT…was the beginning of forgiveness in ME.  Just as she had finally Heard & Understood her role in this nightmare…I finally understood mine as well.  I was so CONSUMED with anger and retribution…that I had made Reconstruction Impossible.  I was so busy throwing stones…leading with a OR ELSE attitude…that I was probably about as loved as an IRS Audit.  In keeping my defenses on High Alert…and doling out justice to the wicked…I had become UNLOVEABLE.  I had pushed EVERYTHING away…it was SAFER…NO ONE COULD HURT ME…OR ELSE!  So I finally Opened up…and threw off the weight of anger.

I went home…told her that if she wanted to save this marriage…then from this point forward…it was up to her.  I had done the actions I felt were necessary to protect my family…and myself.  But that going forward…I would be just fine by myself…but if she wanted to tag along…than it was on her.  Only ACTIONS would work going forward...that I was TIRED of talking about the past…Boundaries...Consequences...and how we needed to change.  We either make it work…or we make it end.  No more malice…no more threats…no more reminders of how horrible her and her actions were.  I HONESTLY Did Not Care which way she went…I was fine either way.  But I was FREE of MLC.  It held NO MORE BOND ON ME.

Finally FREEDOM!

 

[BBhelp 2.0]

Step 6:  Finally on the same wave length!

Since we had both had our “AHA” moments…the tension dropped drastically.  She admitted to holding back…out of fear, out of guilt, and out of confusion.  But most of all she told me that I was not a real lovable guy right now, and that she missed that.  She spoke of how wonderful, sweet and funny I was with the kids…then would turn to her and my smile would vanish, and the room would get cold.  She understood WHY…she just didn’t know how to navigate my defenses.

This helped me realize just how high those defenses had been.  It helped me understand the same survivor mentality that got me here…was not going to work going forward.  I had used tough love…high expectations…and threat of consequences to navigate through our discovery, detox, and recovery periods.  But now realized that it no longer worked…for her or for me.

You see…once they are really out of the MLC storm…they are in NO HURRY to return.  The TRUE realization of their actions, and the painful fallout from them…are ALL the deterrent they will ever need in the future.  Yet…I still acted, and treated her like I could still PUSH her to the finish line.  You can push them a long way…but not ALL the way.  When I would get frustrated, in my head I would go back to “Do {Blank} or else…”  At some point…the point when that woman you knew for all those years is looking you in the eye…you have to ACCEPT the apology…and let it all go!

This goes for EVERYONE.  I don’t care if you are in Recon or dating Jennifer Anniston…until you REALLY let the MLC Pain/Anger/Bitterness/Distrust go…you are doomed to a relationship of distance.  Because whoever you are with…won’t know how to navigate your defenses either.

We stopped going to MC after a few times…and just started talking.  That is when she began to open up about MLC…and the effects it had…then & now.  We talked about where we should go from here, how we should try and heal what was broken.  We talked about the kids…she could not believe how she had hurt them…and how she could work to fix it.  We TALKED for the first time in years.

My life got immeasurably better.  My outlook improved…my energy came back… I actually felt relaxed.  Not because we were finally getting back on course…but because I had finally found PEACE.  I had survived the perfect storm of shit…My wife’s MLC/A’s…the loss of millions, my businesses, my worldly possessions…watched my son be locked up as a drug dealer…loss of my faith & direction…all at once…and ALL ALONE!  I DID IT.  How on earth could I not handle what was to come.  I no longer had any fear or worry of betrayal or divorce…because simply put, that ship has sailed.  We would either make it or we wouldn’t.  But I was going to be just fine either way.  I helped my son conquer his demons and return to being the most wonderful young man in the world.  I accepted my financial losses…and vowed to get it all back again. 

I FINALLY LET IT ALL GO!  I stopped judging everything she did and said by the MLC Patrol Guidebook.  I stopped feeling like I had to justify my financial state by “Explaining how I got there”.  I stopped worrying about my son and let him learn to fly on his own.  I ACCEPTED my place in the world at that time.  And it felt GREAT!

My wife made leaps and bounds strides on her own.  One of the most bizarre parts of MLC to me is how the memory is affected.  It must really just be our minds defense mechanism.  Because she, like everyone elses W’s, could never remember easy details of our past, our families past, or just simple things.  But now…they started to come back.  That was fun…especially for the kids.  I don’t think they ever understood that one.  She smiled, laughed, and engaged the family.  She finished her own list of “trigger control”…she stayed out of her room…worked to stay busy…and became a true wife and mother again.

We talked often then…and did our best to regain “Normalcy”.  The kids were giddy that it seemed the war was finally over. ..and we were still a family.   

[BBhelp 2.0]

Final Step:  Today!

Today I can honestly say that I am happily married.  Last weekend my wife looked deep in my eyes and told me "I don't know how I ever thought I could be without you".  Our relationship continues to grow as time and work heals wounds.  We talk often and date regularly.  There is almost never any talk of "MLC Times" or the fallout it caused.  For myself, my bouts of flashbacks and triggers are almost never.  I sleep well, I eat well, I am as happy and content as I can remember.  Forgiveness and Acceptance have calmed my soul and eased my pain.

My wife is back to being the best mom there is...she is busy and happy.  She has gotten so beautiful again...she was Miss{Our State} in her past...but is even more beautiful now.  Her smile and laugh light up a room again.  She talks regularly and lovingly of our past, our families past, and all of our hopes for the future.  Honestly...she remembers more than I do now!  She embraces aging and the new joys it can bring...she has come so far. 

She continues to work on her own path, and her own goals...something I help and support when she asks...but this is one difference from before...as she identifies HERSELF within the marriage and family.  Just as I have continued to enjoy my own "Me" time...something that I had forgotten about over the years.  I think we as long term married couples tend to become Mr. & Mrs. or Mom & Dad...and forget who we were before.  This experience has taught me the true strength and value of ME! 

Is our new life perfect...NOPE!  It wasn't before...and it probably never will be.  Do we still fight...yep...though now it seems to be more about toilet seats and snoring!  Our journey continues...one step at a time.  But I know that I love her...and I know she loves me...and I'm not sure what else there needs to be right now.  TODAY...we have thrown away our letters (LBS/MLC) and we are simply living as husband and wife.


BB

[Brian2010]

Wow, BB, thank you for putting your story out there.  How long ago was the speech?

[Mavox]

BB,

Thank you so much for posting your amazing and inspiring story! My appreciation for your candor, wisdom and insight goes beyond words.

My W and I have been tumbling through the recon vortex for months now. And yes, I have made every mistake in the book x 3.

The are good days and bad days. However the bad days were slowly, but surely, beginning to drown all the progress we had made in the early stages of recon. I sort of flat lined (with a vengeance). I felt angry and resentful and yet strangely apathetic. The year began well. I felt strong, I had confidence, I had fun, I was engaged in my work, but when I returned from an extend business trip I just bottomed out, worse than ever. I couldn't work. I flirted with my own MLC and was sure the grass was greener. I was sure that love had nothing to do with our marriage that it was all co-dependency. Some days I still feel this way. Other days I am convinced I love her and she loves me. She tries so hard to prove herself to me. She wants to be forgiven and trusted. Her A has worn her down and I think she is in denial of how much it has effected our kids and her relationships with friends and family. I think if she allowed herself to understand the depth of it it would ruin her. We enjoyed a period of hysterical bonding filled with intimacy and great sex but the extend period of turmoil and suspicion put a profound strain on us. We became self conscious and nervous around one another. Our sex life became sparse. But things have taken a turn for the better over the last week. We have been having fun. Intimacy is creeping back.

You wrote:

"...you have to ACCEPT the apology…and let it all go!

This goes for EVERYONE…until you REALLY let the MLC Pain/Anger/Bitterness/Distrust go…you are doomed to a relationship of distance.  Because whoever you are with…won’t know how to navigate your defenses either."

QED brother!

This is where I am and what I gotta do.

Without the support from you and our comrades here I would have been divorced by now, my wife would be gone, shacked up with her bimbo Ken doll, our kids would be miserable our life in shambles.

Now, we have a fighting chance. We both want it and are willing to fight. I realize I must accept this lot and make the best of it. Of course, there are no guarantees and assurances and, sure, this sucks and I dread discovering more ugly surprises down the road but WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?
Sure, I could D. And maybe we will, but for now we want to work it out. To rebuild our marriage and keep our family together.
Time is helping. Trust is the light at then end of a long tunnel. Hope is the fire.

Good luck to you all!

Mav

[Feel So Grateful]

I stormed the bedroom...handed her the suitcase...told her to get the hell out of my life...and not to look back.  She was stunned and scared...

In My western Culture we call that action "A real Man" and that means a very brave action,
I congratulate you for this action and if we all do like that we would avoid a lot of tears.

I did something like that once and called her OM 2:00 AM in front of her and scream of him not to call her again or send her emails.

Feel So Grateful