MLC Behavior

[OnHoldAZ]

I'm going to pin this one - since the subjects seem to come up sooo many post.  On 4060 we have our own blogs - mine is a jumbled mess of things that strike me as Brilliant posts by other Members (including some from PP) - that I think will have value to others, but I fear in time they will get buried in the archives............................so I rescue them and put them in my blog over there:

http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?automodule=blog&blogid=49&


From Firefly on 4060 – and yes most of what applies to Men in MLC applies top Women in MLC also………………….
[quote name='Firefly' post='80185' date='Jun 7 2007, 08:10 AM']

Your H wasn't being cruel. He wasn't doing this to you. He wasn't denying you intimacy. This had nothing to do with you. He was reacting what was in HIS mind. You can't read his mind and the MLCer sure as hell won't share so you're filling in the blanks with how YOU feel. His mind is whirling around grasping for purchase. He's confused and unfocused. He feels empty and numb. From everything I've read here and elsewhere and everything I've gotten from my H I have to say it's pretty much a guarantee that he's not standing there thinking about how his actions will effect you. That's, sadly, the last thing on his mind. He's thinking about what’s happening to HIM. If he even noticed you were trying to comfort him it would be through the lens of how HE feels about it.

For those of us able to feel empathy and compassion it is baffling to interact with someone who feels neither. It really comes down to this...your H says it's too stressful being around you, yet instinctually he wants you to go with him to see his mother because your presence will bring him comfort. Again, it's not about you. He doesn't care how this will effect you. Not out of malice, but rather because it won't occur to him. He's entirely wrapped up in himself. He's wearing blinders AND has tunnel vision. The fact that the flight will stress you, or that you will be in pain or hurt from being with him, will not be a factor. This is sad, but not intentionally cruel. It's ridiculous and disgusting in many ways, but again not intentionally cruel.

I have a theory...The MLCer is two individual people right now. One is conscious and the other unconscious but still able to effect action. The conscious person thinks about you and expresses a multitude of statements...you stress me out...I can't be around you....I just want to run....I'm not happy....I can't take this. The unconscious person isn't thinking about you. They react to instinctual needs. They need you around when they feel stressed because you make them feel better...they run to you with problems because you help fix them...they confide in you because they trust you...they make up reasons to linger in your presence because they want to be with you. The unconscious person knows what the conscious person really needs to feel better. The conscious person wants to avoid those very things because they have deemed them the reason for their problems. Until the conscious person can admit the unconscious one exists and work to become one again the rift will tear them apart.

In the mean time we can't let their looney tunes, bat shit crazy behavior become personal. It hurts, hands down, no lie there, but it hurts one hell of a lot less when you let go of the thought that ole fruit loop is running on a full tank. He's not. I choose to laugh instead and view it like twenty clowns trying to fit into one car. It's a little scary (they ARE clowns after all), but it's just funny enough to be entertaining.
[/quote]

[markr154]

Pure GOLD! 

[James]

The concious/unconcious comments are very interesting.  After moving out, my stbx would find reasons to call (the house, daughter, cats, funny story, etc...).  The lingering comment was interesting.  I last saw my W two months ago at a birthday party for our daughter's long-time boyfriend.  She totally stood near me, referred to me as "honey" several times.  When she arrived (1.5 hours late) I had planned to give her a one-armed hug around the shoulder.  Instead she stuck out her hand and tried to give me a kiss (I think she was half-tipsy).  I turned my head a little so she got my cheek.  My daughter told me later that was the weirdest exchange she had ever seen between anyone, no less her parents.  My W wanted me to sit next to her at dinner where there was an open space, but no chair.  I guess I could have pulled up a chair, but instead I opted for an open seat at the next table.  Upon leaving my W walked me to the door and did the kiss thing again.  It was very weird, but perhaps that was her subconscious acting out.  This is all so bizarre.  Thanks for posting.

[pghobbsx]

James,
My X did the same thing at several family gatherings . I took it as a show for everyone else there.
She wants everyone to think that we are still friends. A guilt release is all it is.
Anytime we are alone it is back to the blame game for me. I am not sure how it is on your end, but I imagine it was all for show.
Just my opinion.....

pghobbsx
Everything is going according to plan

[James]

Thanks pghobbsx - I have thought about the guilt thing and have read that elsewhere.  Since we sold our house last June, we have only been alone on a few occassions, and they have been civil.  In fact, since she dropped the bomb (Nov 06) we have gotten along great, including regular intimacy until we sold the house last summer.  The D should be final any day. 

[OnHoldAZ]

From one of the Women on 4060:

 

I don't know what anyone else has said here lost but I can tell you for awhile I too could hold it together around everyone else. But that only lasted for so long. I could be the "old" me laughing and giggling and seemingly having the time of my life. But those you see were my escapes. It was my release until it wasn't. And when it wasn't is when it began to unravel and EVERYONE around me could see how sad and miserable I truly was. How very close to the edge I had come. It scared the hell out of all of them. It scared me even more. My anger and rage was not about my H or my kids. But they were closest to me, and they were "safe" for me to vent my rage and anger................in my still moments it was this wrath and anger that I despised most about myself. And for as much as anyone would tell me I was forgiven , I could not forgive myself. And so it went.......each rage, and then apology and the self hate.......a vicious vicious cycle. In the deepest darkest places I blamed no one but myself for where I was, but on the surface and with my mouth I blamed everyone. It was easier to lash out in my warped mind than it was for me to admit my weakness. I had always been the strong one, I was the glue that held it all together, and for the first time in my life I was out of control..................I was inconsolable and I despised myself for how I treated everyone and hated myself more because in my sickness I felt I was weak.

For me this was a very humbling journey. I had to admit I could not always be strong. I had to admit I needed help. Not just therapy or pills, but help getting through the rough spots, support, and for once I had to learn how to accept it instead of just give it..........and for me that was very very difficult and at times it is still hard.........but I have gotten better.............

None of what your wife is going through is necessarily about you. It is about her..............and it can be daunting knowing you have children and spouses to try and take care of and yet you cannot even take care of yourself.

I too wish her family could see what you see. I know this must be difficult. I know how hard it was for my H.........but if you stay away from convo's about the R, and try and detach and move to the next room when you see shit getting ready to hit the fan, honestly you will be in a better place. Once your healthy and able to get up and get out, it will be better for you......................but understand, this is her journey and not yours and she hasnt offered you a place in that journey right now...............focus on you, who you are, what you want, what you need, what things have you given up because of marriage, family etc that you could get back into doing? Is there a hobby you enjoy you could grab hold of? This is hard stuff...........hard for you and hard for her.....................time, the old wrotten cliche'................it does take time.........she has to reach her low.................her bottom....................and when she does, hopefully she will get herself into some therapy, and ways to cope with her sadness...................

Slurpins and Hope,

FF

 

[c3c11]

They need you around when they feel stressed because you make them feel better...they run to you with problems because you help fix them...they confide in you because they trust you...they make up reasons to linger in your presence because they want to be with you. The unconscious person knows what the conscious person really needs to feel better. The conscious person wants to avoid those very things because they have deemed them the reason for their problems. Until the conscious person can admit the unconscious one exists and work to become one again the rift will tear them apart.
[/quote]

This is just the opposite for my W.  She confides nothing in me.  Will tell me nothing about herself or her family.  She goes to her sister for everything.  She says she will never tell me anything about herself, her family and especially her new friends. 

[OnHoldAZ]

This is just the opposite for my W.  She confides nothing in me.  Will tell me nothing about herself or her family.  She goes to her sister for everything.  She says she will never tell me anything about herself, her family and especially her new friends. 

That's why I posted the last post - different people have different reactions to the crisis.

I think your W is trying to hide who she is and what she's become, because deep down - she hates herself.........................and you know who she was - she can't hold up the "new" her around you, others are more easily fooled and she probably doesn't want her family and new friends to know how she is acting differently OR hear your side of things...........................

The best litmus test – how DIFFERENT a person is in MLC……………….people who did not know the person prior to MLC, will have no base line to see a difference from – so they can recreate a NEW person…………….but the illusion falls apart when some one who actually knew them is around too much…………………kids, especially the younger ones – see and know, but don’t speak of it as much as a spouse would…………….

[OnHoldAZ]

Interesting to pop back in - as a guest and find out that my posts have been edited and my account has been logging on to the forum.

Be very careful of who you follow..................especially if they are walking off the cliff themselves..................

[pexio]

Dude,
Please edit your post to remove the email addresses.

[jacksondad]

sorry

[Bystander]

No problem.

The message itself was interesting -- he just didn't want you sharing your STBX's or her boyfriend's e-mail addresses with all of us ...